Wednesday, October 29, 2014

for my broken heart

"Last night I prayed the Lord my soul to keep. Then I cried myself to sleep. So sure life wouldn't go on without you.  But oh this sun is blinding me. As it wakes me from the dark
I guess the world didn't stop. For my broken heart" Reba McEntire "My Broken Heart"

This song describes my life in the most sadly profound way these days.  It is through tears that I wake up each morning, seeking HIM so that I am able to draw strength from HIM so that I am able to face another day living in this world without my son.  Strength to be present in my children's lives and making memories with them, all the while wanting to cry out from the depth of my soul that another day without one of us seems impossible.  Then the reality of life hits me as I realize that the world didn't stop for my broken heart.

Last night as I laid my head on my pillow, D and I were talking, and with overwhelming sadness in each of us we realized we would be sleeping our fifteenth night without our precious son sleeping in the next room.  The reality that in the morning the sun would still rise, and time would continue to go on, all the while without even batting an eye that our son, our precious little baby love is no longer living in this world.

As the end of each day draws to a close,  I draw nearer to HIM in my prayers for my family to know how much I love them.  It is so incredibly hard for me to even think about anymore loss in my life, but that the reality is that any one of could be called home at a moment's notice, as that is how our son was called home.

Yesterday was another day of firsts for our family.  Mostly for my four children and I, as we set out a shopping trip, and lunch out without our sweet little one.  During lunch it was laughter and smiles, but as lunch was coming to an end, there was deafening silence as we realized we made it through another dinner without a high chair and a toddler at the table. As we were leaving the thought crossed my mind that people see me with my four children, but they will never know that I am Mama to five children.  That thought brought tears to my eyes, and as a single tear fell, I wiped it softly from my cheek, and held my head high and walked out with my amazing four.  

Our first stop was a Halloween store.   This was difficult for me, as I wanted to skip Halloween all together this year, however since I have little ones who just like my son in HEAVEN loves candy, fun, and laughter, I couldn't say no.  So I said a quick prayer for strength, and walked in with my four children to purchase what they needed.  

Our next stop was a craft store.  Seemingly innocent enough or so I thought, I walked in with my children.  I knew I what I needed to purchase, however I wasn't prepared for what was about to happen next.  Within the first five minutes of being in the store, my five year old son was becoming visually upset.  My oldest daughter tried her best to understand what was upsetting him, and he kept saying, "tell Mama."  I walked over to him, and he held up a little treasure chest.  He begged and pleaded for me to please buy it for him.  Not understanding why I did what any other Mama would do when in her "thinking" would try and persuade him to pick something else.  However, he wasn't let go of it, the idea of it, or begging and pleading with me to PLEASE buy it for him.  

Finally I gave in and said yes.  Only yes didn't end there, as he then drew in the deepest breath I have ever seen him do, and tears poured from his eyes.  I reached out with my arms and drew him near to my chest, as he began to sob in my arms.  Through his waterfall of tears he said to me, "Mama I want to buy him a nice gift so then he could come back, please make him come back Mama."  Seeing my son, holding my son, and watching him come completely undone broke me.  All I could do in that moment was hold my son, and sob with him.

In was in that moment that I drew in a HUGE breath, and prayed, "LORD JESUS, please help me, help us, Oh GOD our hearts are broken, heal us LORD please, OH JESUS heal our broken hearts."  Through HIS grace we were able to finish our shopping, and finished off our day seeing a movie.  I was hoping that in a dark movie theater sorrow wouldn't find me. Sadly that wasn't the case, and right there in the middle of an animated movie I lost it, NOT once but twice.  The ache in my heart was more than I could bear, and once again I cried out to HIM, "Oh LORD JESUS heal us please, heal my broken heart."

HIS Daily Teachings today is HIS loving reminder to me, that just as my son came to me for comfort and love, I am able to do the same with HIM. HE is telling me that just as I am holding my child while HE cries, I need to know that I am HIS child, and HE is holding me just the same.   HE is wanting me to know that in my brokenness HE wants me to draw near to HIM, and allow HIM to hold me as I cry, and ask HIM the hard questions that my son asks me.  HE is telling me that HE NEVER intended for me to walk this hard part of my journey without HIM.  HE is reminding me once again of HIS amazing, relentless, unfailing, unshaken, unconditional LOVE for me.  HE is telling me that just as I prayed for strength, I can pray for HIS love, and HE will be sure to wrap HIS arms to tightly around me, that when the moment comes that I feel as if though I may die of a broken heart, I will know that HE is there, and HE is holding me.  HE is wanting me to know that as each new day is upon me, HE doesn't want me to hide my face, or my tears as the reality hits me once again, that the world didn't stop for my broken heart.

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him,my Savior and my God" Psalm 42:11

HE is telling me that HE is there as each new day is upon me, and is waiting for me to seek HIS face, so that HE can show me once again how much HE loves me.  Today HE is wanting me to declare HIS promises to me, to speak HIS words to HIM, with confidence because I know that HE is my Abba and that HE cares deeply for me.  HE is wanting me to always remember, and to write it on my heart, that HE is my FATHER, HE loves me, HE is always going to be there for me.  HE is reminding me once again of how when I began to seek HIM to show me the matter of my heart, that HE did that so I would be prepared for this moment, in needing to know, and to speak HIS promises that HE has made, is making, and will continue to make and to keep for now, and forever more.

" pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:17-18

It is deeply comforting for me to know that HE is there in each and every moment of my life. I am blessed to know that HE is there always, in good times and in bad.  I am thankful to know that HE is holding our family in HIS hands, and that HE catches each and every single one of our tears.  I am thankful to know that all I have to in order to face another day is to seek HIM, and draw strength from HIM.  I am thankful that HE has a unending supply of GRACE of which HE is drenching me in every single step of my journey with HIM.  I am so incredibly thankful for HIS sweet PEACE that pours into me, and washes over me that allows me the most peaceful sleep even in the midst of this tremendous heartbreak.

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble" Psalm 46:1

"But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds, declares the Lord" Jeremiah 30:17

He is wanting me to know that the reason HE has been teaching me about HIS great love for me all this time is so that in my time of greatest need to lean on, count on, and rely on HIS great love for me, I will be able to say that I, Heather am confident that HE loves me.  So that I am able to speak HIS truth of HIS promises to me, for all to hear that even in the deepest sorrow I have ever been in, I know that HE is there, and that HE loves me.  So that I will be able to say with ALL confidence that I, know as HE has proven to me time and again that HE will NEVER leave me, nor will HE EVER forsake me.  

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

Today HE is reminding me once again that I must go boldly before the THRONE  in HIS name and speak HIS truth and HIS promises HE has made for my life.  HE wants me to not only hear HIS promises from HIM, but HE wants to build me with tremendous confidence so that in my time of greatest need, I will be able to declare WHO HE is, WHAT HE has done, and WHAT HE will continue to do for me, through me, because of HIS great love for me.  

HE is letting me know that while the world may not stop for my broken heart, HE is there, holding me, letting me know that it's okay to cry, to mourn, and to grieve the overwhelming loss of my son.  HE is letting me know that the more I cry out to HIM, that is how I will see HIS glory in ALL of this.

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS ~ I pray that you will know how much HE loves you.  That in your time of need that you will know that HE is there.  I pray that you will be courageous and seek HIM, so that HE can show you, and speak HIS promises to you for your life.  I pray that if you too woke up today feeling heart broken because the world didn't stop for your broken heart, I pray that you will lean into HIM, and allow HIM to heal your broken heart.  

Much love, prayers, compassion, understanding, and grace,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

No comments:

Post a Comment