I remember going in for my first sonogram to confirm that I was indeed expecting, and will never forget the JOY and elation that I felt in knowing that I was going to be a Mama once again. However that JOY that I felt was to be short lived. Within the first week of find out that we were indeed expecting again, we would tragically suffer our 2nd miscarriage in our marriage.
I remember coming home to tell our precious children that the baby didn't make it, and feeling as if though everything was going to be okay. I remember the look of shock on their faces that Mama wasn't crying. I remember thinking, "I'm going to be okay, this isn't so bad, it just wasn't GOD's timing for me to have another baby." With that I pushed passed the warning signs that were lining up as I pushed through, and passed all the pain, and heartache that really in looking back HE wanted me to experience.
However, since I am incredibly stubborn, and HE knows me so well, HE allowed me to pull away from HIM my family, and my life. For the next two years it was as if though I had fallen off the face of the earth. I stayed in bed for days on end, only getting out to shower, and maybe go to church. If I happened to make it to church, I painted on the most fake smile I could muster. My anger, my bitterness, my resentment began to build. Gone was the optimistic, positive Mama that I had always tried to be, and entered this sad, depressed, non-living, but taking up space in our home Mama. You know that Mama that if you wanted to see her, maybe she would pause her show to even take a glance at you? (this breaks my heart to know what I put my precious family through)
Tears fall as I write how horrible I was to my family, especially my sweet husband D. I can't even begin to tell you how quickly my two oldest daughters had to grow up since Mama pulled away from all of her responsibilities, and watched in horror as their Mama slipped further and further away from them, knowing, that ultimately we would all lose. If you were to talk to my girls about that time, they will tell you that they feared that Mama would leave them, leave their Daddy, and give up on living all together.
This was the darkest time of me being Mama. Thankfully because HE loves me far too much to ever let me just completely slip away, HE blessed D and I with another precious little love, our sweet little boy, our precious son, who now is with HIM, and HE sent him just in time to save me, and save our family, With one precious little boy, HE captured my attention in the biggest way, brought me to my knees, which would lead me straight to HIS loving, forgiving, full of unconditional love arms.
HIS Daily Teachings today is something that has been stirring in my heart ever since the day just over two months ago that shattered my heart, and altered our families life for the rest of our lives. HE is taking me back deep into the darkness that was those two years of me losing myself, almost my family, and almost my life. HE is taking me back NOT to make me cry, but rather so that I would know, and SEE that in losing my precious son, the only way through this horrific tragedy is with HIM. This is why I sing daily "In CHRIST and CHRIST ALONE."
HE is telling me that HE allowed that time in my life so that when I would endure this season of tremendous sorrow, I would be able to know the difference between being horrendously sad, and terribly depressed. HE is letting me know that HE allowed that sorrow to be placed on my life, so that when I would suffer the most massive loss ever in my life, I would be able to SEE and know the difference between sorrow and depression, and most importantly what NOT to do, and how to prevent from being sad, leading into depression.
Looking back one of the things that I did in my deep depression was that I NEVER, or I should say hardly EVER got out of bed. It was very rare that I got dressed in something other than pajamas, and I hardly EVER wore any makeup. I wore my hair up almost everyday, not caring anything about the condition of it. For two years I didn't cut my hair. For two years I didn't cut my daughters hair. For two years, I skipped out on my responsibilities of being Mama, and left it all in the hands of my then 6th grader, and 4th grader, and my heartbroken husband. If you were to ask D about this time in our lives, he will tell you that it was incredibly hard to watch his wife slipping further and further away without knowing how to help. More tragically if you were to ask my daughters about this time, they will tell you that was when they almost lost Mama, and to add to that, Daddy began to work 80+ hours at his job, and was hardly ever home. They were left to essentially raise their little brother and sister, while they too were little themselves.
Writing about this time of my life, has been the hardest, so much in fact the moment I realized HE wanted me to share about this dark time of my life, I "tried" my best to avoid doing so. I attempted to play mindless games on facebook, listen to non-christian music, ( as I didn't want to be reminded that I was "trying" to hide) Finally I gave up, and pulled up the blog, and with heaviness in my heart, began to write out today's post, in telling about the most embarrassing, appalling moment of abandonment that I placed in my families life. I began to write about how I almost lost me, they almost lost me, and how in the middle of it all HE FOUND ME.
I wish I could say that when I found out I was expecting my son I was full of elation and JOY, however that couldn't have been further from the truth. The truth is for the first four months of my pregnancy I cried. I cried as I was scared, I was unsure how I could ever be a good Mama. After all I had only begun to embrace being Mama once again just one month before I found out that D and I were indeed expecting again.
Because HE loves me, HE made sure that we would be led to a church that would FOREVER change my life, and ultimately due to my precious soul-sister D's prayer would awaken something deep inside of me, and that was to live, and NOT only live, but to live, to strive to BE the best MAMA I could be. To honor, to serve, to love, to cherish my family in my most precious amazing gifts of being D's wife and my precious soon to be 5's Mama.
When I think about it, HIS Daily Teachings today began on the morning of October 19, 2014 which was the day of my precious son's celebration of life service. I was awoken at around 3 am, having not written anything to say that day. Thankfully HE knew and HE met right where I was, and poured HIS word deep into my heart, and guided my hand as I began to write about the amazing life of my precious son.
"At a time where nothing made sense in my life ~ GOD spoke "I give you HOPE"
My precious son came bursting in on the scene of our family of 6 on October 15, 2012 ~ From that day on our whole world changed. GOD had sent HIS light to our family. What our family was so desperately missing, HE blessed us with our sweet little son. GOD's hand was ALL over our lives with our son. On May 24, 2013, I fell to my knees and surrendered fully to be the Mama, wife, sister, daughter, friend, and follower HE had always intended for me to be. I know now that was because I had received HIS gift of HOPE..... my son!!! My son was truly a JOYFUL little guy... He was always smiling at everyone, and he made sure his presence was "known." HE loved his dayee, and his sissy's, brother, and he loved me...... his Mama. From womb to arms I sang JESUS BE THE CENTER to him, and when he was old enough to talk I was singing to him and he grabbed my cross and said, "JESUS." I am comforted and feel deeply loved by my FATHER in HEAVEN because HE chose me to be his Mama. Because of that ALL the brokenness I had once felt began to change into wholeness. All because of one precious beautiful baby boy. JESUS was his and is his BEST FRIEND, and because of that my FAITH is stronger than it has ever been. Our little boy, my precious son, he saved our families life! Through his passing we have been blessed with so much healing. I praise GOD and thank HIM for loving us so much that we SEE HIM in every single detail. Our precious little love was, and is OUR gift of HIS HOPE"
"Every good and is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17
I am thankful to know the difference in this loss, as I know what NOT to do, and in learning that, and going through that I am determined to NOT be depressed on top of sad. Therefore, I do NOT stay in bed past morning. I get up, shower, get dressed, with makeup, hair done, and look nice, and ready to leave the house at a moment's notice every single day. I have yet to stay in my room for more than 20 minutes in getting ready. I spend my every waking moment, pouring ALL of me into HIS word, and my relationships with my family. Each morning I wake up and go directly to my office where I dive face first into HIS word, and even on the days where I don't feel led to type the blog, I cry deep into HIS chest, while laying my head on my journal and bible.
I am so incredibly thankful that because of HIS wisdom that HE has given me when I fully surrendered and asked HIS HOLY SPIRIT to teach, lead, and guide me that I am able to know the difference of what deep sorrow is, and how to deal with the feelings of sadness, and that is by giving into them, by allowing myself to feel them, and NOT try to cover them up, stuff them down, or shut them up. I am so thankful that I haven't lost myself, and my family hasn't lost me even when it hurts so incredibly much that it's difficult to even breathe. I am thankful to TRUST and know that my SAVIOR is here, with me, always. I am so incredibly grateful to know that HE is always fighting my battles for me. I am so incredibly thankful to understand and know the difference this time around, that because HE is SOVEREIGN, I, Heather NEVER have to walk this journey alone, and that I know my steps have already been planned, that HE has gone ahead of me, and knows of everything single thing that I may or may not stumble on. I am thankful to know the difference that I can be angry,that I can cry, that it doesn't make me weak, and that it doesn't accuse me of having little FAITH. I am thankful to know the difference, that in admitting that I am weary is really my FAITH strengthening that with each tear that falls, HE catches them, and I know that HE is there, and that even when it hurts, I can honestly say that HE is still so incredibly GOOD.
Today I am leaning in and pressing into HIS word, my life verse, which HE began to work deep into my heart right before I knew that HIS HOPE was being sent to save me, to rescue me, that NOT only would I birth my second son, my fifth child, it would also be the birth of HIS ministry, that I am blessed enough to be HIS living vessel for, HIS Daily Teachings.
"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6
My dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I pray that you know that you are NEVER alone. I pray that if you to are in the deepest, darkest place you have ever been, I pray that you will have the courage to look up, and ask HIM for strength, to know that HE loves and that HE is waiting for you to let HIM show you just how much HE loves you. Again my dear friends I pray that in JESUS HOLY, MIGHTY, POWERFUL, and JUST NAME that you will be set free from ALL bondage's manipulations, agreements, and lies of the enemy. That in JESUS NAME to break EVERY CHAIN that is holding you down, holding you back, and keeping you from living the amazing life that HE has planned for each and every single of you. I pray that you will know that HE loves you, and that HE created you on purpose for HIS purpose.
Much love, prayers, compassion, understanding, and grace,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,