Saturday, December 27, 2014

what happens when.....

Almost twelve weeks ago now, HE began to work deep in my heart forgiveness that needed to be cultivated in my heart, however, in my humanness, I fought HIM, hard..... stubbornly that I wasn't going to forgive anyone else for any wrongs they have done to me.  Especially since HE was asking me to forgive my birth mother.  I won't go into the details of all the reasons why I didn't want to forgive her, there are other posts written about that, but what I will tell you HE began to work over my heart, and brought me to my knees.  By the end of the week, HE had me writing a letter of love and forgiveness.

I can tell you that almost instantly when I sent that letter off, I felt relief.  The kind of relief that lifted decades of burdens off my back and shoulders.  Lifted so much hurt, pain, and anguish off of me, that I was able to really smile for the first time.  I spent that day Sunday October 12, 2014 with my husband D and our precious five children.  We truly had the BEST day.  That night as we tucked our precious little one's into bed, we had no idea just how much our lives were going to change that very next day.  

I woke up on the Morning of October 13, 2014 excited!  Ready to take on the world with HIM leading me.  I finally felt so incredibly free, so free that I stood in my office with my precious just two days shy of his second birthday son at my side.  I threw my hands high into the air and said, "LORD I will do whatever YOU ask of me.  I will do whatever YOU want me to do, whenever YOU ask me to do something, whatever YOU call me to do, I will do.  I love YOU LORD, I trust YOU LORD, I give my life to YOU.  LORD I'm ALL in!"  

Afterwards I went upstairs to get ready for the day, and that is when I stood in front of my mirror and saw myself smile for the very first time in my life.  At the age of 36, I, Heather once captive knew that ALL the hard stuff from my childhood, teen years, and young adult years were behind me.  I knew that I had received the complete breakthrough I had been praying for since May 24, 2013.  

Feeling so happy and carefree, I smiled one last time, looked myself over in the mirror told myself I looked good, snapped a selfie, and posted it to instagram online.  That would be the last time that I would smile that way.  It would be just five short hours later that my whole world would be shattered, shook up, and dumped upside down.  

For the past almost 11 weeks now I have been living a true living nightmare.  It would be at 4pm that afternoon that I would find my precious almost two year old son's lifeless body laying in his bed, and would realize that I was going to be on a new journey of what happens when.....

HIS Daily Teachings began on the dreary, raining, life altering day that I would learn that my children truly are NOT my own, that they are indeed HIS, and only HE knows their lifespan, and that there is NOTHING that I could EVER do to change that.  That is the day that HE began to teach me about what happens when......... your worst nightmare becomes your reality?

For the past almost 11 weeks now I have learned what standing firm in my FAITH truly means.  I can tell you that NEVER have I ever hand to lean in, and press into my FAITH so intensely, intentionally, and readily.  I can tell you that my FAITH in HIM for HIM has truly been my life line.  Since that tragic day, I have had to learn what happens when....... was going to be the next chapter of my journey towards wholeness with HIM, and undoubtedly the hardest chapter of my journey that I have ever had to endure.  NEVER again would I say so lightly, this is the worst day ever....... I can tell you I have lived through the worst day ever. 

HE is asking me to share with you all what I have learned about what happens when your worst day ever happens, what will you do?  How will you act?  Will you run?  Will you stay? Will you curse HIM?  Will you question HIM?  Will you give up?  Will you close the door to your heart forever?  I can tell you ALL of those questions came across my mind, and because HE loves me so deeply, HE began to take me through each question, and spoke HIS truth to me, so that I would be able to answer what happens when......

Within the first few hours of people learning the tragedy that had struck our family of 7, scripture, love, support, calls, texts, messages began to pour in.  One scripture in particular kept being sent, and honestly until now I really didn't believe it, nor did I really feel it.  However, since HE is so incredibly patient with me, and is relentless in HIS pursuit of my heart, HE made sure that I was bombarded with HIS word, everywhere I turned to look.  

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted  and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

HIS word was being poured into me, and the more I heard it, read it, and "tried" to trust it, the more I hurt, as I kept finding myself asking the question, "WHY LORD? WHY did YOU break my heart? WHY when I have always done whatever YOU have asked of me? WHY do I have to give up my son?" Even though I didn't realize it at first, I would later realize through HIS loving guidance, through our many talks, that even though I didn't want to admit it, I was indeed angry with HIM, and because of my anger I wasn't able to fully grasp HIS word, HIS promise, HIS truth for my life that through HIM I will survive this tragedy, and not only will I survive, but I WILL conquer the sorrow, sadness, and pain, and when I do that I will be able to fully understand HIS word, and what it means for my life.

Today HE is asking me to share what HIS word means to me. When I read that above scripture, I can now smile, because I know that HE truly does love me. I know this because when all I could feel was anger at HIM, the harder, and the more HE loved me. The more HE made sure that I would SEE HIM in every single detail of this chapter of my journey towards wholeness with HIM.

Through HIS word I have learned that NO matter how much I am hurting, I know that I can TRUST HIM, that I know that HE is there.  NOT only can I trust HIM, but I can BELIEVE HIM when HE says to me that HE is there to help me, and that HE will NEVER forsake me.  I have learned the hardest way possible that my way is NOT HIS way...... I have had to learn what happens when..... HIS plan is so FAR different from anything I would have chosen to happen in my life.  I have had to learn what happens when...... tragedy strikes, is HE still good?  Does HE still love me?  Does HE still have my best interest at heart?  All of the questions I can answer with a RESOUNDING YES!!!!!

I can tell you that there have been moments in the weeks since my precious son was called HOME where I was afraid I would NEVER be able to stop crying.  However, since HE loves me so much, HE made sure that I would be surrounded by people WHO would courageously speak HIS truth into me, so that in my moments of intensely deep sorrow, I would know that HE was there, comforting me, helping me, holding me, and crying right along with me.  It was then that I learned that HE truly is the GOD of ALL comfort.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.  For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.  If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer.  And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings,so also you share in our comfort." 2 Corinthians 1:3-7

I just love how comforting HIS word is to my weary aching soul, that just when I need it, HIS word is there, to soothe and comfort me.  So that when my time of mourning is over, I will be able to comfort others who mourn in the same way.  I will be able to HIS living vessel by being HIS messenger of HOPE, that they too can survive, and conquer, what happens when..... their worst nightmare becomes their reality.

I can tell you that I still incredibly angry, only I'm NOT angry at HIM, rather I am furious with the enemy for all the HELL that he has "tried" to wipe me out with in my lifetime.  I am angry, and am so incredibly excited, giddy even, for the day when my Abba, my Daddy, my GOD, my Protector, my Creator WILL fight in vengeance for everything that has been inflicted upon me.  HE will FIGHT for me, and that for me is ALL the reason I NEED to NEVER give up, to keep RUNNING so that I WILL persevere with HIM, and in running, I will be taking thousands of people with me, if not millions.  

Forever I will RUN to achieve my ultimate goal of being called HOME, and HIM holding me in HIS arms, and saying to me, "Well done good and FAITHFUL servant."

" Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him." James 1:12

"“His master replied, "Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!" Matthew 25:21

Today I am HIS messenger of HOPE, and I am here to tell you that even if you doubt it, I can promise you that with HIM, you too will be able to survive and conquer, what happens when...... your worst nightmare becomes your reality.  I know this to be TRUE, as I am living it, every single day.

" The Spirit of God, the Master, is on me because God anointed me. He sent me to preach good news to the poor, heal the heartbroken, Announce freedom to all captives,  pardon all prisoners. God sent me to announce the year of his grace—a celebration of God’s destruction of our enemies— and to comfort all who mourn, To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion,  give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes, Messages of joy instead of news of doom, a praising heart instead of a languid spirit. Rename them “Oaks of Righteousness”  planted by God to display his glory. They’ll rebuild the old ruins, raise a new city out of the wreckage. They’ll start over on the ruined cities, take the rubble left behind and make it new.You’ll hire outsiders to herd your flocks and foreigners to work your fields, But you’ll have the title “Priests of God,” honored as ministers of our God. You’ll feast on the bounty of nations, you’ll bask in their glory. Because you got a double dose of trouble and more than your share of contempt,Your inheritance in the land will be doubled and your joy go on forever." Isaiah 61:1-7 The Message Bible

Today I am so incredibly thankful and blessed to be able to share with all of you that all of the faults and mistakes that I have made and had in my past, HE has truly REDEEMED me, and I am able to declare that HE is good, ALL of the time. Today I rest easy in HIS word, knowing that my precious son is safe in HIS loving arms, and that the tenacity that the enemy would use for evil, HE is now using for HIS good.

Today HE is having me look up synonyms for tenacity, and this is what I found: "

persistence, determination, perseverance, strength of purpose, tirelessness, resolution, resoluteness, resolve,firmness, patience, purposefulness,, steadfastness, staying power, endurance"

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50:20

I can tell you that all of the above is apart of my life, NOT because of anything that I have done on my own, but rather through HIS Daily Teachings for the past year and a half, that have prepared me for the hardest, toughest, part of my journey, in this life. I can tell you that NOT only do I TRUST HIM with everything, but I truly do BELIEVE everything HE tells me, as I know that HE truly is doing HIS good work in me, and through me, to reach the masses of the last, the least, and the lost. That through being HIS FAITHFUL, HUMBLE, SERVANT, LIVING VESSEL, I, Heather am able to be HIS true messenger of HOPE in this broken, fallen, and lost world.

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, oh dear friends I pray for each of your hurting hearts. I pray that each of you will come to know that HE truly is the GOD of ALL comfort, that HE is there, and that HE cares for and loves each and every single one of you deeply. I pray that my testimony, my story, will be HIS message of HOPE that if you find yourself living the question "what happens when....... your worst nightmare becomes your reality," that you will be able to press into, lean into HIM, by standing firm in your FAITH in HIM to know that HE is right there with you, holding you, helping you, waiting for you to cry out to HIM, so that HE can show you just how deeply HE cares for and loves you. I pray today that if you too are so incredibly heartbroken, you will know that HE is close to you, HE cares, HE will take away ALL of your pain. I pray today that you will have the courage to open your heart to HIM, seek HIM, talk to HIM, and share your heart with HIM, even if all that you are is angry at HIM. I pray that when you do, HE will fill you with HIS unconditional, unfailing, unending, relentless love.

Much love, prayers, compassion, understanding, and grace,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather

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