Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Rend my heart
Upon waking up the first thing I do in the morning is make my way down to my office, pull out my journal, and pen what is on my heart. I have been doing this for 442 days now, and I have to tell you that through the process of penning my thoughts, I have realized just how much ugliness, contempt, and anger resides inside of me. Though I may not always show it on the outside of me, deep inside, laying dormant is a HUGE volcano of anger at the injustice that not only have I suffered, but also the people of whom I love.
Well since HE loves me so much, HE didn't let me get very far in my writing this morning, in fact I journal half of what I was feeling, before I could hear HIM speak to my heart about HIS word that HE placed very soon after the loss of my precious son.
"Rend your heartReturn to the your God,low to anger and abounding in love,
The Sovereign has given me a well-instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the . He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being instructed." Isaiah 50:4
Throughout the process of journaling my thoughts, I have learned so much about myself, and about HIS amazing grace, and unconditional, unfailing, unending, relentless love for me. Through the past 442 days of journaling I have learned that no matter how much I portray I am holding it all together, HE knows me, as HE created me, and HE knows the deepest darkest parts of me. NOTHING is a blind eye to HIM.
Today HE is letting me know that it's time to get rid of the ugliness, contempt, and anger that are keeping me from having a clean heart, and the only way I will be able to do that, is by choosing to rend my heart. Today HE is letting me know that HE is there, and is waiting to teach me just how to do that. HE is wanting me to know that this process won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
To be honest, when I first realized HE was going to be teaching me about rend my heart, I cringed, as with everything else HE has already taught me, is teaching me, and will continue to teach me, well it's painful. Upon looking up what rend means, I came across several different meanings. Each of them speaking to me in a way, that HE was wanting me to know that I needed to apply to my life.
Rend: To tear into two or more pieces, split, rupture, sever, to wrench violently, cause great emotional pain.
Uh, this, this is me these days, this is what I have been living with for the past 8 weeks. I have gone through each of these things, as my heart has been shattered in the massive loss of my precious son. My heart has been wrenched in great emotional pain. In the past 8 weeks I have cried more than I have ever in my life before. In losing my son, I can tell you that the pain that I have experienced has been NOTHING like the pain that I endured, suffered through, and survived from my past.
HE is wanting me to know that the pain that I am feeling is for HIS purpose, and for me, so that I would be able to understand what rend my heart truly means for me. HE is wanting me to know that HE never wants me to hurt, that it is the evil of this broken and fallen world that hurts us. HE is letting me know that the anger that I have harbored in my heart towards HIM is because of the injustice that has been placed upon my life, since my birth.
HE is telling me that HE is angry too, and that is WHY HE is building me so incredibly strong with HIS strength, so that I am able to endure, suffer through, and ultimately survive as more than a CONQUEROR with HIM, teaching, leading, and guiding me every single step of the way.
HE is wanting me to know that my anger is warranted, but to be sure that it is directed in the way of which it needs to go, and that is out my heart, and that will only happen when I choose to rend my heart. HE is letting me know that NOT even my anger can keep me from HIM, or will it ever keep me from HIS love for me. HE is reminding me once again that HE is gracious, kind, loving, and so incredibly full of compassion. I know this to be true, as I can't tell you how many times I have fallen flat on my face in sin, and HE has picked me back up and set me on HIS path, HIS plan, HIS purpose, for my life.
"The is gracious and compassionate,
Therefore, there is w for those who are in Christ Jesus" Romans 8:1
"My soul is with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word." Psalm 119:28
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or , and his understanding no one can fathom." Isaiah 40:28
"He gives strength to the and increases the power of the weak." Isaiah 40:29
"but those who hope in the will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow , they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31
Create in me a pure heart, O God,
You ed me, but God ed it for good accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50:20
"The name of the is a fortified tower;
HE is reminding me once again that if ever I am feeling weary, to know that HE is there, and that I NEVER need to worry if I am being left behind, or forsaken, as HE is ALWAYS with me, and that because of HIS great love for me HE sent HIS only begotten SON to live on this earth, to model WHO I am to be, and WHO died for my sins, so that I, Heather, a broken, lost, lonely sinner would be reconciled back to HIM. HE did ALL of this so that I, Heather would receive HIS ultimate gift of eternal life.
I can tell you that now more than ever I am running!!! I am running so that when my time here on Earth is through, I will meet my precious little love on the bridge into forever, and I will meet JESUS face to face, and HE will say the words my heart so desperately longs to hear, "Well done good and FAITHFUL servant."
"His master replied, ‘ , good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!" Matthew 25:21
HE is letting me know that HE knows this is my hearts cry, and that learning, understanding, and knowing how to rend my heart, is another part of my journey towards wholeness with HIM, so that in the end, I will be able to HEAR HIM say that to me, as I will have been HIS FAITHFUL, humble, servant. More than ever my heart cries out in repentance, as I rend my heart of any and ALL things that are keeping me from HIM. More than ever my prayers are "LORD JESUS, let YOUR will be done, NOT mine. LORD YOUR KINGDOM, YOUR WILL BE DONE, HERE ON EARTH, AS IT IS IN HEAVEN."
"This, then, is how you should pray: