Monday, December 1, 2014

don't understand

It has now been seven weeks since I last held, hugged, kissed, my precious little boy.  Seven weeks ago was the last time I heard him say, "kisses JESUS, kisses Mama, look Mama Baby Love."  Seven weeks of saying the same phrase over and over "LORD I just don't understand?  How can this be for good?  How can this be better?"  I find myself saying that at least twice a day, if not more.  Each time, feeling, and filling myself with even more despair, as when I try and grasp the magnitude of what has happened to our family, I become overwhelmed in my emotions, and that is when I fall apart, and completely crumble at the thought of even an hour from now, of it being another hour without my precious son.  That very though brings me straight to my knees, and that is when my deep sorrow finds me once again.

HIS Daily Teachings today is letting me know that it is more than okay for me to question HIM, in saying "Lord I just don't understand."  HE is reminding me once again that I was created by HIM, on purpose, for HIS purpose, therefore, NOTHING I do, say, or think catches HIM by surprise.  HE is wanting me to know that HE already knows that question is swirling around in my mind, and is penetrating my heart, and the only way I will ever be able to receive HIS peace about my son's passing, is when I confess how I am feeling.  HE is telling me once again that whatever is in my heart, good, bad, or ugly, will eventually spill from  my lips, so rather than "trying" to keep my worries and my doubts locked up, and dare I say even being ANGRY with HIM, I must confess ALL of my feelings to HIM, so that through HIS HOLY SPIRIT, HE can, will, and does pour HIS living water into my weary, and shattered heart and soul, and that is when I will experience HIS true healing. 

"So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them." Genesis 1:27

"Don’t you see that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and then out of the body?  But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them." Matthew 15:17-18

"Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.” John 7:38

HE is reminding me that it is okay to confess to how I am feeling, no matter how bad my thoughts are, as HIS only goal, HIS only desire for me is to know HIS truth, so that ALL the lies of the enemy will melt away and that is when I will be able to live with, and experience HIS true peace.  HE is telling me that until I confess HE can't heal me, because I am NOT willing, I am holding back on seeking HIM, and not only seeking, but trusting HIM, by saying that "I am hurting, and my feelings for HIM right now are NOT HOLY." To which HE so lovingly responds:

"HE is HOLY, and when I open my heart up to HIM, HE will wash away all the bad,unholy, and through HIS holiness HE pours HIS living water, HIS word, HIS truth, into my broken, angry, weary heart." 

 HE is reminding me once again that it is more than okay to have a weary heart, as that has been HIS intent ALL along, to capture my attention, my heart, so that I would turn away from what they world is telling me about dealing with my sorrow, and my grief.  HE is wanting me to know that this is the reason WHY I am continuing to lean in, and press into HIM, so that I would feel the pain, and through my pain will come HIS great purpose for my life.  

" Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

"My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word." Psalm 119:28

HE is teaching me that my life, my story, my pain, is for HIS greater purpose, as I am learning that my story was so beautifully written specifically for me, by HIM, but goes beyond me.  HE is telling me that the reason why I don't understand WHY HE called HIS son home, my sweet precious son home, is because if I really knew WHY I would be overwhelmed, and true to my humanness, I would shrink back in my FAITH, and I would be fearful of every little thing I would know would be coming next.  Instead HE is using my I don't understand for HIS good, for HIS glory, so that through my FAITH in HIM, by HIS HOLY SPIRIT teaching, leading, and guiding me I would be modeling FAITH just as HE has always intended for me to live.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

"To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps." 1 Peter 2:21

While talking to one of my angel mom's the other day about my deep sorrow, HE spoke through me, to her by saying, "truly knowing what HIS HOPE means for me, can only be known in experiencing deep sorrow."  When I think about that today, I know that to be true, as even though I always "thought"  I knew and understood what HIS HOPE meant for my life, it was really only on a surface level of understanding.  

" Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.  For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.  According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep.  For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words."

 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

Whenever I think back to the times where I "thought"  was truly living out my FAITH, BELIEF, and TRUST in HIM, and for HIM, I know that I was really only scratching the surface of what HIS HOPE really means for my life.  These days I am truly clinging to HIS HOPE which is my FAITH, which is the anchor to my soul.  HE is telling me that without my FAITH, I would drown in this HUGE ocean that I am now in.  HE is reminding me once again, that in my being in the ocean the only thing I can do, is reach up, and when I do, I will feel HIS touch, HIS loving strong arms drawing me and near to HIM.   Holding me close, as I break down, fall apart, and sob, and weep deeply into HIS chest of ALL the pain, sorrow, sadness, and anguish that overwhelms me in grieving the loss of my sweet precious little boy.

"I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

"We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It’s an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God where Jesus, running on ahead of us, has taken up his permanent post as high priest for us, in the order of Melchizedek." Hebrews 18-20 The Message Bible

I used to think that doubting HIM, questioning HIM was wrong, and was truly afraid of disappointing HIM.  Today HE is washing all of those lies away from my mind, and is filling my heart with HIS truth, that NOTHING I could EVER think, say or do, would EVER change is love for me.  Today HE is reminding me once again that HIS love is unconditional, unfailing, unending, and relentless.  

" For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.  Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son.  This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed.  But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God." John 3:16-21

" We love because he first loved us" John 4:19

Through HIS loving reminders I am so comforted in knowing that HE is there, and HE is truly in the details of my life, especially in the moments of I don't understand."  I am deeply comforted in knowing that I could never, nor have I EVER caught HIM by surprise at either what I have been thinking, or what I have dared to say.  I am deeply comforted in knowing that HE is truly SOVEREIGN, and that though my world is being turned upside down, HE holds me, and my world.  HE is there, loving me, helping me, and pouring HIS goodness, and HIS mercy all over my life.  

" And the Lord said, “I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the Lord, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion." Exodus 33:19

"But you, Sovereign Lord, help me for your name’s sake; out of the goodness of your love, deliver me." Psalm 109:21

In receiving HIS goodness, and mercy, HE is filling up my heart, and because HE does everything in abundance, I know that HIS true healing is pouring out of me, for ALL of this broken, fallen, and lost world to see.  HE is telling me that this is the very reason WHY my greatest heart desire is for me to be known as being HIS FAITHFUL, HUMBLE, SERVANT, who didn't shrink back even when her heart, soul, and mind was being plagued with I don't understand."  

"His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!" Matthew 25:23

" But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved." Hebrews 10:39

Joyce Meyer is known for saying "Your worst day with GOD is better than your best day without HIM."  This saying is so very true for my life.  As I know that without HIM, HIS LOVE,  HIS HOPE, HIS FAITHFULNESS, HIS GOODNESS, HIS GRACE, HIS MERCY, and HIS FORGIVENESS, I wouldn't have been able to survive this massive loss that I am now living with, and has been placed in this journey that I am walking with HIM called life.

"Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

HE is telling me that when I find myself feeling, "I don't understand," all I have to do is go to HIM with it, so that HE will SHINE HIS light and HIS truth on my heart, and transform and renew my mind, so that when I BELIEVE HIS truth in my heart, and mind, I will be able live out HIS truth, through my FAITH.  

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

Today I am thankful that even though I don't understand, I TRUST and KNOW that HE does, and that HE truly does have everything worked out for HIS good.  I am thankful that even though I had such a vague understanding of what HIM being SOVEREIGN means, I am now living my life in such a way that I really don't have anything to fear, as I am already living, surviving, and through HIS teaching, leading, and guiding me I will be able to conquer my deep sorrow.

"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies.  Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?  As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
    we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:31-39

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I pray that if you too are finding yourself saying "I don't understand," that you will have the courage to confess what is in your heart, so that HE can work in you and through  you, so that HIS truth, HIS word, HIS living water can be poured into you, and through you, so that HIS true HEALING will be made known through you.  I pray today that you will know that you are NEVER alone, that HE is always there, waiting, to help you.  I pray that today is the day that you will have the courage to seek HIM, and allow HIM to transform and renew your heart, soul, and mind.  I pray today that no matter what the enemy is telling you about how unworthy you are, let me tell you, oh my friends, YOU are so worthy, so much that HE died for you, for your sins, so that you would NEVER have to live in bondage of what you have done in your past, and so that you would be able to spend ETERNITY with HIM and HIS FATHER in HEAVEN!!!   I pray today that you will know that HE is YOUR LORD and SAVIOR and HE is waiting for you to RECEIVE HIM.

Always in my prayers, with lots of love, compassion, understanding, and always grace,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

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