This past week, I was under attack by someone who had been reaching out to me three times before, in stating their concern that I wasn't dealing with my grief of losing my son very well. This person based their opinion on words that I used to describe how I feel. Though they were coming from a place of where they felt was love, I took it as completely the opposite. I took their reaching out to me as attacking, and meddeling, and to be honest, I was annoyed, frustrated, and finally after the fourth time of dealing with what they were persistently telling me, I......... snapped.
In snapping, my response was less than honoring, and to be honest, I didn't really care, as I was so tired, well sick, and tired of being told this repeatedly by this person of what they felt they saw was wrong with how I was grieving. They were making their assumptions based upon something I wrote, without really knowing WHO I am, and WHAT I have been doing in response to my grief in losing my precious son.
Through my response, I conveyed to this person that whatever they "think" they know, they couldn't even begin to imagine how I feel. Now, with that being said, I didn't mean it to sound like that their problems, their tests, trials, and storms weren't worthy of be shared as some sort of way of relating to the pain that I was enduring, however, that is exactly how my response ending up conveying my message, and that was "shut up, you have no idea, your problems pale in comparison of my losing my son." Though I didn't use the word shut up, I was most certainly thinking it, and my response was completely snarky, and mean spirited.
In knowing this, I became angry when they fired back at me once again, with even more persistence that I needed to seek help from a professional, and be medicated. Their argument was that I had a pride issue, that I didn't want to accept help, or admit that I may need medication. However though they meant to do this in love, in wasn't received in love, rather all it did was make me MAD.
Through my anger, my response let them know what was what, and I couldn't help but to want to put them in their place. If contacting me weren't already enough, this person then tracked down D, and told him that they felt I wasn't well. That I was displaying concerning warning signs of clinical depression. If that wasn't enough, they went on to say that I had a HUGE pride issue, but that they forgave me for that, as I wasn't well, or in the right state of mind.
Upon hearing this, as if though I weren't already angry enough, I completely exploded in emotions ranging from anger, to sadness, with tears of both. I was angry at the LIES that were being said about me, and honestly, I was waiting...... waiting....... for D to FIGHT for me. I was waiting for him to stand up for me, and to put this person in their place. I was waiting for my GREAT PROTECTOR, and forgetting that HE is my GREAT PROTECTOR.
All of my ANGER came to a head last night during our lifegroup, as I was still festering about what this person was saying, doing, and most importantly how angry I was feeling, and how angry I was at myself for my response. Little did I know that HE had me right where HE wanted me, a sitting duck in a room FULL of HIS FAITHFUL HUMBLE SERVANTS, where ALL I could do is listen. It was then that they each began through the leading and promptings of HIS HOLY SPIRIT to speak HIS words, speak HIS truth, and through each of them, began to encourage me that the unforgiveness that I was harboring in my heart wasn't what HE wanted for me. One by one they let me know that it was okay to be angry, and be in a place of anger, just as long I didn't stay in that place of anger. Rather that I would seek HIM, HIS truth, and allow HIM to heal me from my troubles of this one person.
Through my soul sister M came HIS most important message to me, and that is exactly what HIS Daily Teachings today is about. Through M, HIS words to me were
"You Heather, have forgiven someone for the most unforgivable act that a person could ever endure. This is nothing for you to forgive. Recognize this attack for what it is, this is the enemy."
I went to bed thinking about that, meditating on what that meant for me, and with that I decided to forgive this person and began to seek HIS forgiveness for my response. When I began to journal what was on my heart this morning, that was the first thing I spilled out to HIM. It was then and there that I forgave, asked for forgiveness, all as HE began to prepare me for today's teachings.
It is of no surprise to me that HIS word let me straight into the book of Psalms this morning, as I was in desperate need of my GREAT PROTECTOR. HE let me know right away that HE knows my heart, and knew that I was waiting.... to SEE if HE really is my GREAT PROTECTOR, and with that HE began to pour HIS word into me, so that NOT only would I know it, but I would TRUST it, as I let in sink deep into my heart of HIS promises to me, that NEVER will I, or do I have to EVER worry about whether or NOT HE is fighting for me. HE is letting me know that if ever I doubt in whether or not HE loves me, or that HE will protect me, all I have to do is look NO further that HIS word, and read it, soak in it, meditate on it, trust it, and BELIEVE it so that in my times of trouble, I will know that HE is there, HE is fighting for me always, and all I have to do is be sure that my response is honoring to HIM.
"Blessed is the oneor stand in the way that sinners takebut whose delight is in the law of the ,
I couldn't help but to smile this morning as I opened up my first devotional, and it read: "I will hide you from the wicked" Through today's reading, HE began to teach me that I must understand that my battle is NOT with people, but rather with evil, that the enemy will use people, play people, just as HE used me to ensure that my response would be one of anger, and he knows that is the way to get under my skin. HE is letting me know that the enemy is gunning after me, and all I need to ever do in make sure that my response is that of which HE wants me to say, do, and think, and after that I just need to rest and know that HE is there, and HE is fighting my battle for me.
"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Ephesians 6:12
HE is wanting me to know that when I am feeling under attack, ALL I need to do is seek REFUGE in HIM, as HE loves me, and HE will PROTECT me, as HE has proven time and again to me that HE is indeed my GREAT PROTECTOR!!!! HE is telling me that NEVER do I ever have to worry about whether or not HE is aware of the attack I am under, as HE is watching me always, that I am HIS chosen one, and in being chosen I will know through HIS blessed assurance that HE is SOVEREIGN, that HE won't let anything happen to me, or take me out, as long as I allow HIM to fight my battles and NOT try and fight them myself, with my words, my thoughts, and my actions. Rather that I will seek REFUGE in HIM and through HIS HOLY SPIRIT, allow HIM to teach, lead, and guide me in my thoughts, words, and actions.
"For the watches over the way of the righteous,
HE is telling me that this is why HE blessed D with a new job last year, and moved our family to where we are right now. HE led us straight to our loving church home, filled with our amazingly loving church family. D and I have attended and been apart of many churches in our journey with HIM, but never like this church home we are in right now. HE truly does answer prayers, and HE has given us ALL that we have ever prayed for, in abundance, and far beyond what we could even being to pray and ask for. HE is reminding me once again that HE truly does know and love me best, and that HE truly is in every single detail of our lives.
"And I will provide a place for my people Israel and will plant them so that they can have a home of their own and no longer be disturbed. Wicked people will not oppress them anymore, as they did at the beginning" 1 Chronicles 17:9
HE is letting me know that home in this instance is with our church home, where we would learn that we are to be seeking HIM to be living in HIS KINGDOM, so that my focus would NOT be on what I want, but rather what HE wants. Through the messages at church I am learning that I need to be walking into every situation saying, "what are YOU doing, and how can I be apart of what you are doing." HE is letting me know that this current season of where we live, are apart of church,has been so that we would be prepared, so that during this biggest storm of our lives we would know that HE is there, and that HE is our REFUGE.
HE is letting me know that my anger today is NOT of this one person, but rather the enemy. HE is letting me know that my response of anger, is because of the injustice that I feel, and because of that, HE is okay with my anger, as HE created me to be angry at the things that make HIM angry. To know this is freeing, as I have always thought that HE doesn't get angry, about anything, when really why wouldn't HE be angry, I am HIS child, HIS daughter, and I am under attack. HE is reminding me once again of how much HE loves me, and how HE is always fighting for me, and how through HIS love and grace has saved me from the snares of the enemies evil clutch.
"God is a righteous judge,
There are six things the hates,aughty eyes, a heart that devises wicked schemes,a false witness who pours out lies
Acquitting the guilty and condemning the innocent—
" Because the Lord revealed their plot to me, I knew it, for at that time he showed me what they were doing. I had been like a gentle lamb led to the slaughter; I did not realize that they had plotted against me, saying,
“Let us destroy the tree and its fruit;
let us cut him off from the land of the living,
that his name be remembered no more.”
But you, Lord Almighty, who judge righteously
and test the heart and mind,
let me see your vengeance on them,
for to you I have committed my cause." Jeremiah 11:18-20