Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Keeping it real....
It seems as if though my life these days has become busier, so naturally as I start to feel overwhelmed, well honestly, I shut down completely. Today HE is asking me to keep it real, and share with you what happens when I become overwhelmed, and instead of digging my heels in deep, and asking HIM to be my strength, what happens every time.
I will first start off by introducing myself, "Hi my name is Heather, and I am a procrastinator, and an excuse maker." There I said it, whew, feeling really transparent right now. Where was I? Oh yes, well because I am an expert procrastinator and excuse maker, that is exactly the two mindsets I adapt when I am feeling overwhelmed.
One of the areas where I feel most overwhelmed is caring for our home. GOD has just recently blessed us with a 2200 square foot home, that has 3 bathrooms, 4 bedrooms, a living, and dining room, eat in kitchen, and office. Plus a full basement, and a two car garage. While I love have all of this space, living with 6 other people can really get overwhelming.
Yesterday was one of those days, after writing out my blog about dancing in the rain, well I began to look around at the tasks at hand, and I quickly became overwhelmed. Laundry had been calling my name for four days, and there were baskets of clothes ready to be folded in the living room. The living room had toys and clothes strewn all about, and my dining room table was anything but a place to dine. The floor needed to be vaccummed, and the stairs were cluttered with toys, shoes, books, hair things, coats, and candy wrappers. Yes, candy wrappers, due to the abundance of candy that my children received while trick-or-treating.
My kitchen table was covered in dishes, and food from breakfast. The counters were cluttered with papers and yes, more candy wrappers. The garbage can was overflowing, and the sink was piled with dishes. The floor was sticky, and needed to be swept and mopped. Everywhere I looked it was a mess.
As I walked down the hall and went into the guest bathroom, I found yes, more candy wrappers. "Ugh, seriously, doesn't anyone know how to throw anything away?" My distain for the mess in the bathroom only increased as I stepped into the office, and realized that it too needed some TLC.
Thinking to myself, "o.k. I can do this, I will just tackle one room at a time and I should be able to knock it all out by lunch." Then I went upstairs to get dressed, where I found yes, more candy wrappers, and my bathroom floor had something sticky on it. There was a dirty diaper from my son from the night before, and dirty clothes. The sink was sticky, and had toothpaste smeared all over it and the counter. The mirror was all messed up, and the garbage was overflowing there as well.
As I peeked into my sons room I soon realized that all the clothes that I had just placed in there to put away were strewn all over the floor. Toys and books littered the floor as well. My son had pulled all of his sheets and blankets off of his bed, and pulled out all the extra blankets and sheets from his closet.
My three daughters rooms, were not of anything I even wanted to see. Just by glancing at their door ways, I knew I didn't want to enter. I had been telling them that Saturdays were their day to clean their rooms, however this past Saturday I "forgot" (a.k.a didn't want to hear the backlash) to enforce that rule, and well this was the result.
D and my room was messy from clothes that needed to be ironed, and some dirty clothes were on the floor. Not a big deal, as it would only take me five minutes to tidy up. I began searching for something to wear, and the thoughts started seeping in. "Just look at your house, you are a horrible homemaker. Why do you even bother staying home, it's not like you do anything. Can you imagine what someone would think if they were to stop by?" The more I centered in on those thoughts, the worse I felt, and soon before I knew it I heard, "you are horrible wife and mama, such a disgrace!" With that the tears began to fall, and any good intentions that I had to clean, and honor our home went right out the window.
I walked downstairs to find my son do flips off our couch, and throwing toys at his baby brother. I was thankful as my youngest son was ready for his morning nap, so I put him to bed. After that I sat on the couch, and cried some more. I sent my oldest son to the office to play on the computer for a few minutes, as I told myself, "I only need a few minutes, then I will get up and get moving."
However, that was not to be the case, no instead if you were to stop by my house unexpectedly yesterday you would have found me stuffing my tear stained face with candy, laying on my couch in my pajamas. You would also see that my boys are not dressed, and *gasp* you would see how horrible of a wife and mama I truly am.
As the afternoon worn on, I cried even more. I cried for how hard the transition of this move has been on all of us. I cried, that my son lashed out at me and told me he didn't like me, and that I wasn't a good Mama to him. I cried, because my house looked like a pit, and I was embarassed. I cried because I was overwhelmed and didn't even know where to begin.
Thankfully my loving SAVIOR spoke to me, and told me to get my journal. For the next 1.5 hours as my son watched mindless t.v. and my other son played with his toys, I journaled. I poured my heart out to HIM, and HE began to speak to me in a way that I hadn't heard HIM speak to me before. Sadly, yesterday I wasn't open to hearing HIM completely, so today HIS Daily Teachings reminded me once again of what HE was saying to me yesterday.
HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how much we are all struggling. HE is telling me that we are struggling because we are fighting against HIS blessings. I am learning that I must keep a positive attitude when it comes to change, as I am the thermostat that sets the mood for our family. HE is wanting me to think about moving forward, and ask myself how can I ever expect to move forward, when I keep looking back?
"Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on" Philippians 3:13-14
Last night D came home from work, and began to honor our home. He was angry of the condition of our home, and when I asked him a question, I was met by his wrath. His words stung, and I was speechless. motivation that I had been needing. I quickly retreated upstairs to our room to honor it for us. I made our bed, and picked up, and ironed out his work shirts and pants. I thanked GOD that I had a husband who was blessed with a job to provide for us, and thanked HIM for the ability to be able to care for his clothes.
This morning, I put away 4 loads of laundry, and honored our bathroom. Next I headed into my boys room, and cleaned it. I stripped their beds and put clean sheets and blankets on them. I vaccummed their rug, and put away all of their clothes. When I layed my youngest son down for his nap, I felt at peace, I felt like I had accomplished something great, and that was being a Mama who takes care of her children.
I came downstairs and did the dishes, and picked up the kitchen. I then allowed my son to play outside on the porch while I paid some bills online. After tidying up some more of our home, I ended up in our office with my son, and we sat together as he worked on some preschool work.
As you can see today is a much more productive day, than yesterday. I know it is because I opened my ears to HIM, and said "NO" to the thoughts that the devil was trying so desperately to make me believe. Today I am hopeful, and grateful for our home, our life, and for my ability to write out this blog about keeping it real.
I pray today that you will have the courage to keep it real in your life. I pray today that you will be filled with HIS strength to say "NO" to the overwhelming thoughts, and "YES" to HIS timing and HIS provision for your life. I pray today that you will know that you are not alone in feeling like a complete hott mess. GOD knows, and HE cares, and HE loves you more than you know. I pray today that you will be filled with HIS love and HIS peace that surpasses anything of this world.