December

Tomorrow will be the beginning of the 19th December that D and I have shared together.  I can tell you that in those 19 years, we have had so many December's where we sure if we were going to make it to the first of the year.  So many tests, trials, and storms to weather.  My past, my strongholds, my suffering, all placed HUGE burdens on our relationship and then in our marriage.  It saddens me when I think back on the past 18 Decembers and how I can't think of one of them where we were blissfully happy, as darkness was hovering over us, threatening to snuff out our  HIS light.

This our 19th December is our hardest yet, as we are now dealing with trying to figure out our new normal as a family of now 6 here on earth.  D and I are doing our best to hold it all together for our children, who so desperately need to know that everything is going to be okay.  It's a struggle for us to portray that for them, when we ourselves are unsure of what our future holds.  However, what we do know is that HE is FAITHFUL, and in HIM, with HIM there is always HOPE.

HIS Daily Teachings today is letting me know that I don't ever have to dread December's anymore, as HIS gift to us is our memories.  As I was reading HIS word this morning, I came across a little caption that said, "GOD gives us memories as roses to help us cope with our Decembers.  Our current December is losing our precious almost two year old son.

When I think about what December means, I think about how it is the last month, the end of the year.  Not only the end, but also the prelude to the new beginning.  This coming month we are coming to a close of our hardest year, as our lives with our precious little light have come to and end.  That the chapter of our being a family of 7 here on earth has ended.  December hurts, December bleeds my sorrow........ and yet through it all HIS message to me today is that while December may be the end, I, Heather must cling to that like all endings, that means there is a New Beginning just around the corner.  HE is telling me that our families New Beginning can only be found in HIS HOPE.

" May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." 

Romans 15:13

HE is taking me back and showing me that through the past almost two years now, HE has been preparing me for HIS message of HOPE, as HIS gift to me that I would be able to cling to in the hardest December of my life, so that I would know that even in the midst of sorrow, sadness, and unbearable pain, I would know that HE is there, that HE is FAITHFUL, and most importantly HE is SOVEREIGN.  

"The Lord is righteous in all his ways and faithful in all he does." Psalm 145:17

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

"But my eyes are fixed on you, Sovereign Lord; in you I take refuge—do not give me over to death." Psalm 141:8

He is reminding me that not only is it the hardest December for me, but also for my marriage to D.  For the past few days I have been thinking about my life with D, and our marriage, and just how much we have had to endure, and how, thankfully I can look back on our sixteen years of marriage, and nineteen years of being together, and SEE HIM in every single one of them.

This morning HE is taking me back to D and my wedding song, "From This Moment" by Shania Twain ft. Bryan White.  From the moment we heard that song, we loved it, however it wouldn't be until many years later that we would understand the true meaning and significance of that particular song.  Today HE is showing me once again that HE is truly in the details, even long before we ever even knew HIM.  

"I do swear that I'll always be there. I'd give anything and everything and I will always care. Through weakness and strength, happiness and sorrow, for better for worse, I will love you with every beat of my heart. From this moment life has begun From this moment you are the one right beside you is where I belong From this moment on."

HE is taking me back to the moment where D and I made our vows to each other, and to HIM, that we would always be there for one another, that we would always choose one another.  HE is letting me know that these are HIS roses of memories that are going to help us close out this December, so that through HIS HOPE we will be able to welcome our marriage, and our families New Beginning.  

I was surprised that HE was teaching me about my marriage to D, and all of our hardships, but really when I think about it, HE knows my heart, and knows what I have been thinking about.  My heart is heavy for a distant family member who is so incredibly young in her early young adult life.  At the tender age of 15 she has decided that she has found the one.  While my heart races when I think about how I fell in love with D at just sixteen, I also think about even though we got engaged when I was seventeen, we didn't get married until I was twenty.  Upon learning about her engagement, and upcoming wedding that will take place just after she turns sixteen, I began to think about is she were my daughter what would I say to her?  

HE is reminding me that what I would tell my daughters is that never be in such a rush to hurry up and wait.  HE is reminding me of all the times where I "tried" to force my hand in my life's order of event's, and HE quickly let me know that wasn't how it was going to be.  Even long before I knew that HE was the one WHO had written my life's story, and the order of the events.  HE is telling me that instead of thinking that she is foolish for wanting to marry so young, I should be on my knees praying on her behalf, for her to have an encounter with HIM.  After all it was through an encounter where HE found me, I saw HIM, and HE rescued me.  

HE also reminded me of how when I learned that the SAVIOR, the RESCUER, my KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR was always going to be HIM.  HE is telling me that this is the very reason that so many of our Decembers in our marriage were so incredibly hard, was because I was looking for D to fulfill a role that he was NEVER intended to play.  HE is telling me this is the reason why my heart hurts so badly for her, in thinking that married life will be her answer to Happily Ever After.

In this current December that we are about to embark on, I am thankful.  I am thankful to know that I don't have to have it all figured out.  I am thankful that through the past Eighteen Decembers with D, I have learned that he can't be, and won't be able to be my everything.  I am thankful to know that NEVER do I ever have to worry about being forsaken, forgotten, or left behind, as HE has lovingly prepared me through many years of HIS Daily Teachings that HE is there, and HE has everything worked out for HIS good.

" And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a]have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

This morning as I sit here in the quiet of my office, the song "Where are you Christmas" by Faith Hill is playing.  My heart is heavy, I am missing my precious son terribly.  As I type my eyes are welling up with tears when I think about how we are about to go through another first, all within the first two months of losing our sweet little baby love.  My heart breaks as I think about in shopping, and wrapping gifts, his name won't be under the tree.  As my tears fall onto my journal, I know HE is there, catching every single one of them, and I can't help but to smile, as I know my son, my sweet precious little boy is with HIM, celebrating CHRISTMAS in HEAVEN, the place where my heart longs to be, and was created to long to be.  Even as I cry, I am thankful, to know, trust, and BELIEVE that HEAVEN is my home, and one day when my time on Earth here is through, I will meet my son on the bridge into forever, he will run, and jump into my arms, and I will hug him, and he and our FATHER in HEAVEN will welcome me home.

"Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you? Why have you gone away?
Where is the laughter, You used to bring me? Why can't I hear music play? My world is changing I'm rearranging Does that mean Christmas changes too?" Where are you Christmas" by Faith Hill

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, though my heart is aching, with deep sorrow, I am still remain in fervent prayers for each and everyone of you to have encounters with HIM.  I pray that HE will make HIS presence known in your life, so that if you too are finding yourself in another hard December you will know that HE is there, that HE hasn't forgotten about you, or left you.  I pray that you will know that you are NEVER alone, that HE is always there, and that HE cares deeply for you.  I pray that HIS grace, and HIS peace are poured over you today in a way that surpasses any and all things of this world, that you will know with any doubt that HE is there, HE is enough, and HE will give you roses for your December.

Always with love, prayers, compassion, grace, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather