Tuesday, August 20, 2013

my hearts cry....

When I was a little girl, I was very lonely, and I didn't really have any friends.  In fact in the very rare moments where I did manage to make a friend, I wasn't allow to keep them.  I would go home to my grandparents house, and I would share the wonderful news that I have indeed made a new friend.  I remember being so elated that I was finally being accepted, and that someone actually wanted to be seen with me. As quickly as the joy was brought to my heart, it was quickly taken away from me.  It was because of the lies and manipulation that I suffered through my childhood that I was never allowed to have any real "close" friends.  It was because of that suffering that I learned to distrust anyone and everyone that came into my life. 

That distrust in people stayed with me almost the entire way through my high school years, that is until I met D.  He was different, as for the 1st time in my life I "felt" safe enough to be myself.  I should say "myself" as even I didn't realize how badly I had been hurt.  It would be years later through intense therapy that everything would be revealed as to who "myself" really is.  

When D and I first started dating, he would pick me up at my house, and we would just drive for hours, talking, laughing, just getting to know one another.  He was my first true friend, one of whom I shared some of my fears with, and who I felt I could really trust.  We dated for two short months, and then I left my parents home to live with my birth mother for the summer.  I was crushed as the timing for everything was just so horrible.

Little did I know GOD had much bigger and better plans for me.  I now know that GOD knew my hearts cry at that season in my life was to meet and get to know my birth mother.  When people started finding out that I was leaving to go meet her, there was a sadness in their eyes, of which I wouldn't fully understand until much later that summer.  GOD however knew, and understood and had allowed me to go through that storm in my life, and little did I know how much HE was setting up the biggest stepping stone that would bring me to HIM!

On the morning I was leaving, D showed up at my house early to sit with me, cry with me, and hold me.  Up until that moment we hadn't even had our first kiss, as I didn't want there to be any reason for me to stay and not fulfill the longing I had to meet my birth mother.  I remember him giving me a rose, and hugging him so tightly and him making me promise that I would come back to him.  I was crushed, "why now, why now do I find a really great guy who is the sweetest, most gentle, kind, and loving person I have ever met?"  

Within my first month at my birth mother's home is was very apparent to me that she was NOT ready for children, and her new husband most certainly wasn't either.  Nor was she ready to own her part of my horrible upbringing, and the abuse that I suffered because of her.  She was everything that I was trying so desperately to escape back "home."  Only worse, as neither one of them really loved me, as they couldn't because I didn't trust them, and didn't let them come close to me.

For the next month D and I planned on him driving out to pick me up.  Unfortunately one week before he was to leave to come pick me up he let a friend borrow his car.  That friend ended up wrecking D's car, and it was in the shop when he was to be leaving to come and rescue me.  However, my step father took pity on me, and bought me a plan ticket back.  I was elated as my hearts cry then became, let me live with D, where I will feel safe.

On our first morning at "home" together I shared with D my problems at  home, vaguely sharing what had happened at my grandparents house.  D responded in a way that no one had ever before in my sharing my story with him.  I remember his tears, and him holding me so tightly and vowing in his young 18 year old heart that he would never let anyone hurt me ever again.

During the next six years of our relationship we got married, and had our first two children. We were young, naive, and "thought" we could do anything.  However, as you know in my story where this goes, my "darkest hours" were upon me, and it was quickly tarnishing our marriage.  D and I were hanging on by a thread when GOD saved the both of us.  

For the next ten years, my hearts cry changed from being a mother again, to reconciling with my parents, my family, and forgiving friends who had hurt me.  It was filled with desire to know and walk with the LORD more closely, and to be able to be a blessing to others.

Ninety-five  days ago, my hearts cry was LORD I need you to be at the Center of my world.  I need you to teach, lead, and guide me every step of my journey.  I need you to be my strength in my weakness, and I need you to help me to be the wife, mama, daughter, sister, friend, and most of all CHRIST follower that you have called me to be.  My hearts cry was LORD, reveal to me YOUR purpose for my life.

What I didn't realize is that in praying that prayer, HE was ready, and HE was ready to make sure that I was going to go BIG in my faith.  That is when HE began to renew and refine my heart.  That is when HE called me to give up myself, and pick up my cross and follow HIM.  That was the moment when I realized that it was all for HIM, and had nothing to do with me.

This morning during HIS Daily Teachings HE helped me put into words my hearts cry for this season of my life.  "LORD in Heaven in every faith walk I encounter keep working with me until YOU can victoriously boast, "You believe at last!" John 16:31   

In reading Beth Moore's prayer this morning, I was so thankful to realize what my heart's cry was.  I know that in order for my heart's cry to be fulfilled I must stand firm in my faith and not waiver in my faith during the storms of my life.

"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings." 1 Peter 5:8-9

I am learning that my faith is crucial if I am to overcome the ways of this world and be in it, and NOT of it!

"for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God." 1 John 5:4-5

I know that because of my faith I am to seek HIM earnestly and allow HIM to do HIS good works through me.  I must have a heart for serving, as that is what HE has called me to do.  That is HIS purpose for my life, to serve others.

"You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did." James 2:22

I know that everything that I am given is because of my faith in HIM.  

Listen, my dear brothers and sisters: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him?" James 2:5

Just this past weekend D and I were floored by this very thing.  On Saturday morning we received a text message from a wonderful family who wanted us to know that GOD had asked them to gift there 2003 FORD Excursion to us.  D and I were floored, and as our pride set in, we "tried" to see if we could afford to pay them.  However, GOD had a miracle that HE was performing, and there was NO room for our pride.  So later that evening we met up with the wife, and she said, "tomorrow I will drop it off with the title, and keys, and its yours."  D and I have been blown away by HIS faithfulness to us, and HIS love, and unending grace for us, even in the midst of trying to ruin HIS miracle.  We are so thankful that HE loves us so much, and that HE blesses us for our obedience.  Though I hadn't share my prayer with anyone, I had been praying circles around the desire for a larger family vehicle. 

Which I guess takes me to another one of my hearts cry.  Last fall my daughters started inviting a lot of their friends to church.  However, we only had a 7 passenger van, and even when half of our family stayed home, we still had to turn children away.  Sadly, week after week we were forced to pick and choose who could come to church with  us.  As winter approached and our van broke down two weeks before Christmas I became crushed in spirit that we weren't even going to be able to take our own family to church.  Thankfully in my little faith, GOD had BIG plans.  Not only did HE fix our van, HE place an amazing book into my hands at the first of the year.  At the same time HE asked D and I to step out of our "comfort zone" and lead a small group, HE placed into my hands the book "The Circle Maker" by Mark Batterson.  It was through this book that received the courage to ask BIG of GOD.  So I began to pray, LORD JESUS it is my hearts cry for us to have a bigger vehicle so that we can take as many kids to church that are wanting to go. It is my hearts cry that we never have to turn anyone away ever again.   

In praying for the past eight months circles around my hearts cry, GOD has proven HIMSELF once again, as HUGE and faithful, and loving, and just A-MAZ-ING!!!

Today my hearts cry is for those who don't know JESUS that they will see HIM through me.  That GOD will continue to use me BIG, and ask BIG of me.  That my faith in HIM will know NO bounds, and will continue to flourish through the storms of my life.  It is my hearts cry that I will truly be a contagious Christian, and not one that is pushy, and demanding, but rather loving, and forgiving.  A Christian who extends grace to the less than honoring, but to show radical love, to love them just like JESUS.

I pray today that you will reveal your hearts cry to the one who loves and knows you best.  I pray today that you will stand firm in your faith that HE will answer your hearts cry.  I pray today that you know that you were chosen specifically for the life that you are in.  I pray today for you to be filled with HIS peace and joy through your faith in HIM.


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