This morning I woke up with an extremely heavy heart, and struggled to even write. Desperately I penned my feelings in my journal, hoping, praying that I would feel a sense of peace wash over me. Sadly, as I was about to find out, peace was being hidden by the deep sorrow, pain, and anguish that I was so desperately trying NOT to feel. From the hours of 4 am to 8 am, I laid my head on my bible and my journal, and sobbed deep into HIS chest. I cried out of the anguish that I felt in losing my son. I cried out all of the anger that I felt because once again I have been called to doing something hard. I cried out my frustration that I had done everything HE has asked me to do, so why did I only get one day of true peace? I gave up, left my office, and sat in my living room, where I would remain until 2 pm.
It was then that I made my way back into my office, where D was working, and I began sobbing once again. My head was pounding, and the ache is my soul was intensifying. D began to share with me how he felt that our lives, my life, was so much like JOB, and that GOD is saying, "I'm so proud of you Heather." He reminded me that the enemy hates when we do good, and HE gets the glory, and in my passing the test of forgiveness to my birth mom, GOD got the glory, and I got the blessing of TRUE PEACE. That is when the challenge was made, as if I were to lose my son, then surely that would be the moment when I would turn my back on GOD.
Thankfully, because HE is in the details of every single moment of my life, HE knew exactly what I would need, and HE knew that I would have this rough day of understanding, and coping, and HE placed all the right people in my path to ensure that HIS words would be spoken to me.
HIS Daily Teachings began today at 11:30 am, as I was crying and pouring my heart out to one of my soul-sisters. Her text to me said: "That's good. HE knew you were mad. HE understands." To which I replied "I did everything HE asked me to do, and I only got one day of true peace, it's so hard."
At this point I was starting to feel so incredibly overwhelmed, and discouraged. HE knew that, and through HIS HOLY SPIRIT, HE led her to speak HIS words to me. Through my beautiful soul-sister HE spoke: " I know, what if you didn't obey and then you lost him while still having an angry heart towards the family who wronged you and hurt you so badly. HE knew you needed that for your benefit. HE was protecting your heart as much as possible. I know it doesn't seem fair that you only experienced one day, but HE will give you many more my sweet friend. HE will. That day was a gift because you obeyed. Sadly him going home to JESUS was inevitable. GOD knew it was coming. So HE gave you that day"
"And the GOD of all grace, who called you to HIS eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will HIMSELF restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." 1 Peter 5:10
HE is wanting me to know and fully understand that everything that HE has ever done in my life has been for me, and NOT to harm me. HE is telling me the reason I can TRUST HIM is because HE has taken so much time to prepare me for this season of mourning that I am in. HE is letting me know that through each and every test, trial, and storm, was to prepare my heart. HE is wanting me to know that the only way HE was ever going to be able to prepare me for the deepest sorrow I have ever known was to take me back to each and every heartbreak I have suffered through in my past.
"To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps." 1 Peter 2:21
HE is telling me that this is the reason that HE took me through so many different tests and trials of forgiveness so that HE could renew, restore, transform, and refine my heart, soul, and mind. HE is reminding me that when all of that starting happening to me, my FAITH in HIM grew, my TRUST grew, and my BELIEF in HIM soared.
HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how much my heart hurts from losing my son. HE knows how angry I am that I only got one day of HIS true peace, but HE is wanting me to know that HE never intended for me to dwell on that fact that it was only one day, but to view that day as HIS precious gift for me, as HIS HOPE, that is there, always, for me to take, hold onto, and press into when the storms began to rage in my life once again.
"We wait in hope for the Lord; HE is our help and our shield." Psalm 33:20
After talking to D, I opened my bible and when I looked at what page I was on, I couldn't help but to smile, as HE knew.... HE knows me so well.... HE knew that I would dig deeper into HIS word than I did this morning, in search of knowing and understanding HIS ways even more. It is no surprise to me that the very page I would open my bible HIS word to was the book of JOB. Immediately my eyes found HIS word, and HE spoke straight to my heart.
"A person’s days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed." JOB 14:5
HE is wanting me to know and understand, that even if it wasn't my choice, my son's life, his days were already planned. HIS words determined. This means that even though I wouldn't have chosen for my son to leave this world, this earth, my arms, HE did, and HE did because of HIS great love for me, for my family. HE is wanting me to meditate on HIS word always that I was chosen to be my son's Mama because of HIS love for me. HE is reminding me that the only reason I was able to love my son in the way that I did, was because HE loved me so much that HE prepared my heart, by teaching, leading, and guiding me through all the tests, storms, and trials that I would have to endure in order to be able to receive HIS gift of forgiveness, healing, freedom, love, grace, mercy, discernment, and wisdom. ALL because HE loves me.
"We love because HE first loved us." 1 John 4:19
HE is reminding me of the countless prayers that I either spoke boldly or that were just silent tears in my heart, of my yearning to be able to love as HE loves. HE is telling me that the only way I was ever going to be able to do that was by letting go, trusting HIM, and seeking HIM, so that through HIS amazing gift of HIS HOLY SPIRIT I would be given HIS precious gift of one day of HIS true peace.
HE is reminding me that the reason why I sing "I BELIEVE in GOD our FATHER, I BELIEVE in CHRIST THE SON, I BELIEVE in the HOLY SPIRIT, Our GOD is THREE in ONE" is because HE has written my story so beautifully and specifically in a way that would ensure that not only would I know and trust HIM, but that I would be able to feel HIS love for me. HE is telling me that it has always been HIS intention for me to know that I, Heather, once a part of the last, the least, and the lost, would know that I am deeply loved. I know this, because I know that my REDEEMER lives, I TRUST HIM, I love HIM. I know my son is in HEAVEN with HIM, and when my time comes, I will be called home, and then HE will look at me with love in HIS eyes and say: "Well done good and FAITHFUL servant."
"His master replied, Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!" Matthew 25:21
It was then that I made my way back into my office, where D was working, and I began sobbing once again. My head was pounding, and the ache is my soul was intensifying. D began to share with me how he felt that our lives, my life, was so much like JOB, and that GOD is saying, "I'm so proud of you Heather." He reminded me that the enemy hates when we do good, and HE gets the glory, and in my passing the test of forgiveness to my birth mom, GOD got the glory, and I got the blessing of TRUE PEACE. That is when the challenge was made, as if I were to lose my son, then surely that would be the moment when I would turn my back on GOD.
Thankfully, because HE is in the details of every single moment of my life, HE knew exactly what I would need, and HE knew that I would have this rough day of understanding, and coping, and HE placed all the right people in my path to ensure that HIS words would be spoken to me.
HIS Daily Teachings began today at 11:30 am, as I was crying and pouring my heart out to one of my soul-sisters. Her text to me said: "That's good. HE knew you were mad. HE understands." To which I replied "I did everything HE asked me to do, and I only got one day of true peace, it's so hard."
At this point I was starting to feel so incredibly overwhelmed, and discouraged. HE knew that, and through HIS HOLY SPIRIT, HE led her to speak HIS words to me. Through my beautiful soul-sister HE spoke: " I know, what if you didn't obey and then you lost him while still having an angry heart towards the family who wronged you and hurt you so badly. HE knew you needed that for your benefit. HE was protecting your heart as much as possible. I know it doesn't seem fair that you only experienced one day, but HE will give you many more my sweet friend. HE will. That day was a gift because you obeyed. Sadly him going home to JESUS was inevitable. GOD knew it was coming. So HE gave you that day"
"And the GOD of all grace, who called you to HIS eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will HIMSELF restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." 1 Peter 5:10
HE is wanting me to know and fully understand that everything that HE has ever done in my life has been for me, and NOT to harm me. HE is telling me the reason I can TRUST HIM is because HE has taken so much time to prepare me for this season of mourning that I am in. HE is letting me know that through each and every test, trial, and storm, was to prepare my heart. HE is wanting me to know that the only way HE was ever going to be able to prepare me for the deepest sorrow I have ever known was to take me back to each and every heartbreak I have suffered through in my past.
"To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps." 1 Peter 2:21
HE is telling me that this is the reason that HE took me through so many different tests and trials of forgiveness so that HE could renew, restore, transform, and refine my heart, soul, and mind. HE is reminding me that when all of that starting happening to me, my FAITH in HIM grew, my TRUST grew, and my BELIEF in HIM soared.
HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how much my heart hurts from losing my son. HE knows how angry I am that I only got one day of HIS true peace, but HE is wanting me to know that HE never intended for me to dwell on that fact that it was only one day, but to view that day as HIS precious gift for me, as HIS HOPE, that is there, always, for me to take, hold onto, and press into when the storms began to rage in my life once again.
"We wait in hope for the Lord; HE is our help and our shield." Psalm 33:20
After talking to D, I opened my bible and when I looked at what page I was on, I couldn't help but to smile, as HE knew.... HE knows me so well.... HE knew that I would dig deeper into HIS word than I did this morning, in search of knowing and understanding HIS ways even more. It is no surprise to me that the very page I would open my bible HIS word to was the book of JOB. Immediately my eyes found HIS word, and HE spoke straight to my heart.
"A person’s days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed." JOB 14:5
HE is wanting me to know and understand, that even if it wasn't my choice, my son's life, his days were already planned. HIS words determined. This means that even though I wouldn't have chosen for my son to leave this world, this earth, my arms, HE did, and HE did because of HIS great love for me, for my family. HE is wanting me to meditate on HIS word always that I was chosen to be my son's Mama because of HIS love for me. HE is reminding me that the only reason I was able to love my son in the way that I did, was because HE loved me so much that HE prepared my heart, by teaching, leading, and guiding me through all the tests, storms, and trials that I would have to endure in order to be able to receive HIS gift of forgiveness, healing, freedom, love, grace, mercy, discernment, and wisdom. ALL because HE loves me.
"We love because HE first loved us." 1 John 4:19
HE is reminding me of the countless prayers that I either spoke boldly or that were just silent tears in my heart, of my yearning to be able to love as HE loves. HE is telling me that the only way I was ever going to be able to do that was by letting go, trusting HIM, and seeking HIM, so that through HIS amazing gift of HIS HOLY SPIRIT I would be given HIS precious gift of one day of HIS true peace.
HE is reminding me that the reason why I sing "I BELIEVE in GOD our FATHER, I BELIEVE in CHRIST THE SON, I BELIEVE in the HOLY SPIRIT, Our GOD is THREE in ONE" is because HE has written my story so beautifully and specifically in a way that would ensure that not only would I know and trust HIM, but that I would be able to feel HIS love for me. HE is telling me that it has always been HIS intention for me to know that I, Heather, once a part of the last, the least, and the lost, would know that I am deeply loved. I know this, because I know that my REDEEMER lives, I TRUST HIM, I love HIM. I know my son is in HEAVEN with HIM, and when my time comes, I will be called home, and then HE will look at me with love in HIS eyes and say: "Well done good and FAITHFUL servant."
"His master replied, Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!" Matthew 25:21
In the final part of HIS Daily Teachings today HE has led me to yet another book in JOB. One that JOB is saying that even though he has lost so much in his life. He still trusts HIM, and though he has lost everything, he will NEVER lose GOD. He goes onto talk about how HE remains, unchanging, as his SAVIOR no matter what his circumstances are.
"I know that my redeemer lives,and that in the end he will stand on the earth.
And after my skin has been destroyed,yet in my flesh I will see God" JOB 19:25-26
And after my skin has been destroyed,yet in my flesh I will see God" JOB 19:25-26
Though my heart is weak right now, and my words fail me in so many ways, what I can say is this: what JOB said, is what I will always say. I am so incredibly thankful that because HE loves me HE ensured that I would hear HIS word today FULL of HIS promises to me, to help me by reminding me that HE has everything worked out for HIS good, and because HE has proven HIMSELF time and again to be trustworthy and FAITHFUL, I know that I can trust HIM with my healing of the deepest sorrow I have ever known. I am confident in knowing that what the enemy "thought" he could use to harm me, HE made sure that our families tragedy would be used for HIS glory, for HIS good, to save lives.
"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50:20
My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I pray that today is the day that you will know that because HE loves you, HE wants what is best for you. I pray that you will know that in this broken and fallen world HE is there, waiting..... for you to receive HIM into your heart as your LORD and SAVIOR. I pray that when you do, you will open your heart up to HIM, and seek HIM so that HE will be able to transform and renew your heart, soul, and mind so that you too will be able to OVERCOME the strongholds, bondage's, tests, storms, and trials of your life. I pray that through your obedience you too be will given HIS precious gift of HIS true peace. I pray that you will know that HE is there, holding you and catching every single one of your tears. I pray that you will know that HE is there waiting to help you, all because HE loves you.
Much love, fervent prayers, compassion, grace, and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,
~ Heather
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