Monday, November 24, 2014

Living HOPE

It's almost 6 a.m. and I've been in my office for almost two hours this morning.  One words keeps coming to mind, HOPE, and yet though I now I will always have HOPE, my heart is still shattered.  As each day passes without my precious little boy, my heart breaks even more than it already is.  The more time passes, the more real the pain is getting.  The more real the pain becomes, the harder it is for me to even think about moving forward.  

Simple tasks such as laundry, and dishes all seem so insurmountable.  The very thought of trying to create a new normal, a new routine without my son, tears fall, and devastation takes over, and in the end leaves me in its dust.  My heart is completely wiped out from this devastation, and I'm not even sure how I am still walking around, and going through the motions of this life that I have been given.  I walk around each day in such a fog, where I look at my life, and can't believe that it is mine.  That I SEE my sons things, such as his little shoes, socks, diapers, coat and hat with tags still on them hanging in our foyer closet.  His chair in our kitchen, his toothbrush, and paste, his bath seat, his cups, plates, bowls, silverware, his toys, his blankies, oh how he loved his blankies.  I go into his room, with total disbelief that he is really gone.  

Over and over I cry out to HIM, LORD JESUS, come please come, heal my broken shattered heart. Just when I think I may die from a broken heart, HE floods me with HIS peace, by reminding me to breathe, and with each breath, that I know is HIS breath in my lungs, I am calmed down from my sorrow for a while, and peaceful sweet rest comes.  Sometimes I cry so hard just at the thought of this is my life, and this suffering, this longing, this aching is my life, this is my forever on this side of the veil.  The more I think the harder it gets to think about putting one foot in front of the other for more than one step at a time.  Planning, scheduling, calendars, watches, clocks, all of it I avoid as much as possible......however, since I have four other children, and a husband, and well I'm a human being WHO has been called to live an extraordinary life, I know that's not possible, and have to face each and every day praying and waiting...... for HIS HOPE, and HIS PEACE to flood me.

For the past week now HE has been letting me know that in order for me to receive HIS true healing from this horrific tragedy I have to first be willing to be present in my suffering.  The very thought of that makes me want to run and hide, because suffering means, feeling, and that leads to pain, and then its all too real.  Feeling the pain, is overwhelming, telling my heart that my son is gone, forever in this lifetime, makes me so angry, mad, upset, feeling cheated, and defeated. My tears fall like rain, pooling as oceans at my feet, and the only thing that keeps me from going under is my FAITH in HIM, that because HE has taken so much time in teaching, leading, and guiding me to know and understand HIM, that I am able to hold fast, stand firm, in my FAITH, and TRUST in HIM that HE has amazing plans for my life, plans to prosper me, and NOT to harm me, to give me HOPE and a FUTURE.  These days, HIS promises are my life preserver.  

HIS Daily Teachings today is HIM meeting me right here in the middle of my suffering, tears, heartache, and brokenness.  HE is leading me straight into HIS word, and showing me that no matter how hopeless( as I am still human), or helpless I may feel, all I have to do is lean in and press in to HIM, and trust and know that HE is my Living HOPE.  Today HE has placed HIS words found in what HIS apostle Peter wrote that HE placed on his heart to share.

" Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead" 1 Peter 1:3

HE is always wanting me to remember and hold fast, hold tight to my FAITH that HE has taught me over the years of walking with HIM.  HE is reminding me of the choice that I made to receive HIM as my SAVIOR.  HE is telling me that through my choice I have been learning that the reason HE was born unto this earth was to save it.  HE is wanting me to remember HE came to save, but to also reconcile us back to HIS HEAVENLY, MY HEAVENLY FATHER, so that when my time here on earth is through, I would join HIM and HIS FATHER in HEAVEN.  HE is reminding me that when I am feeling hopeless and helpless, I must remember to take heart, that HE has indeed OVERCOME the world!  In knowing this, HE is telling me that is how I can TRUST and BELIEVE that HE is my Living HOPE, as HE is ALIVE, and HE is ALIVE in me!  Through HIS HOLY SPIRIT, I know this to be true, as my life, the way it has turned out, is NOT something that I could have ever done on my own.  

" For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." John 3:16-17

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

"Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in your midst?" 1 Corinthians 3:16

" and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time."
 1 Peter 1:4-5

HE is once again reminding me of the eternal life that has been promised to me when I received HIM as my LORD and SAVIOR.  HE is wanting me to be filled with HIS blessed assurance that the same promise, was kept for my son, and that HE was there to welcome my son home, and that I need not to fear about never seeing my son again, that forever on this side of the veil, is only for a short while, but forever, living in HIS eternal glory, an eternal life with HIM is my future, and it is through HIS Living HOPE that HE has blessed me with, that I am fortunate enough to have been blessed with, is all because HE loved me first.  

"We love because he first loved us." 1 John 4:19

HE is wanting me to know that HE is watching over me, and will NEVER let anything hurt me, that even in the death of my son, HE worked in and through my heart, to prepare me for then anger, bitterness, and resentment of feeling, cheated, hopeless, and helpless, so that the evil that is testing my FAITH will NOT win, rather HIS love, HIS Living HOPE which is being poured into me will win.  All of this, because I know that in the end, as HE has so lovingly taken the time to teach me that JESUS wins.  HIS Living HOPE wins, and it is through HIS Living HOPE, that I know that my journey towards wholeness will be complete when I too am called home.

"Where the streets are made of gold. In Your presence healed and whole.
Let the songs of heaven rise to You alone" Hillsong United "You Hold Me Now"

"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials." 1 Peter 1:6

When I look back on the years of tests, trials, and storms in my life, I am thankful, I am blessed to have such an appreciation for all HE has done for me. It has been through HIS Living HOPE that HE has poured into me over the years that I have survived, and not only survived, but conquered.  This morning, I went back to the beginning of the worst day of my entire life, and I read all the words of PRAISE that I wrote to HIM, and how I was so incredibly thankful that it was truly a new day, and that I was under new management, of HIS hope, HIS love, HIS light, and NO longer would darkness have a hold on my life, EVER again.  I continued my writing with LORD where you call me I will go, and I will do whatever you call me to do!!!! Oh how I love you JESUS, thank you for always being there for me.  Over and over I praised HIM.  I will never forget that morning, as it was HIS true freedom, through HIS true healing, all because of HIS Living HOPE that HE has built in me, to know, to persevere through any and all tests, trials, and storms that may come my way.

In reading my words, my heart broke even more, as I still feel that way, except now I am suffering in the worst possible way.  Thankfully I am learning, as I continue to seek HIM earnestly every single moment that HE knows my pain, as HE experienced the same pain as me, and that because HE loves me HE won't ever let me go for even one second thinking that I have been forsaken, forgotten, and left alone, to deal, to cope, to heal.  HE is filling me with HIS loving reminders today that HIS Living HOPE is there for me to hold onto, cling to, press into, lean on, depend on, grasp with clenched fists that through my FAITH in HIM, through HIS HOLY SPIRIT, I will be able to conquer the deepest sorrow I have ever known.  

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." Romans 8:37

" For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

"These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 1 Peter 1:7-9

Today HE is reminding me of the greatest desire of my heart, and that has been that I would be like HIM, in my thoughts, actions, and words.  That when people would see me they would SEE HIM.  That through my FAITH I would let HIS KINGDOM be known through me.  Today HE is taking me back to my time in therapy with Sheryl, and her tell me that HE refines and renews us like diamonds, and that we have to be put through the fire to be refined.  HE is telling me that HE gave me that reminder, so that though this fire is burning hotter than any of the others I have been put through, HE is there, holding me, helping me, guiding me, HE is my REFUGE and my STRENGTH, and I NEVER have to fear as HIS Living HOPE is always there for me to cling to.  

HE is wanting me to know and understand that HIS Living HOPE, is the only true HOPE that is there for me to cling to.  HE is telling me that this is the reason why I was put through the fire so many times that I couldn't depend on anyone else, that everyone, including D would always fail me.  Just as the day that our son passed, my sweet husband D, tried desperately to save him by doing CPR, to no avail, and in the end, failed to give me HOPE, and this is because HE NEVER intended for me to place ALL of my HOPE, TRUST, and FAITH in anyone else, only HIM.  

Even in my doubt, HE is there, even as I sat here this morning, hoping, praying, waiting... for HIM to speak to me, HE did, HE captured my heart, and met me right where I was.  HE blessed me with songs that spoke straight to my heart about how I was feeling, and it was through those feelings that HE spoke HIS truth straight to my heart, so that I would know that being present in my feelings gives HIM the opportunity to shower me with HIS Living HOPE.

"I've been cheated (I've been Cheated)Defeated (defeated, to believe)
To believe that you're gone.(You're gone, you're gone)Ooh it was wrong(so wrong, so wrong)" Rascall Flatts "Forever"

My sweet Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, how my heart bleeds for all of you for your pain, sorrow, and anguish that you are dealing with.  I pray that if you don't already know that HE is there, waiting.... for you to open up your heart to RECEIVE HIM as your LORD and SAVIOR.  I pray that when you do, you will SEE that HIS Living HOPE is being poured out for you to cling to, press into , lean on, and depend on, always.  I pray today is the day that you will allow HIM to refine you in a way that will make you stronger than a survivor, that through HIM you too will be a conqueror!  

Much love, prayers, understanding, grace, and compassion for you all,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

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