Simple tasks such as laundry, and dishes all seem so insurmountable. The very thought of trying to create a new normal, a new routine without my son, breaks.my.heart........ tears fall, and devastation takes over, and in the end leaves me in its dust. My heart is completely wiped out from this devastation, and I'm not even sure how I am still walking around, and going through the motions of this life that I have been given. I walk around each day in such a fog, where I look at my life, and can't believe that it is mine. That I SEE my sons things, such as his little shoes, socks, diapers, coat and hat with tags still on them hanging in our foyer closet. His chair in our kitchen, his toothbrush, and paste, his bath seat, his cups, plates, bowls, silverware, his toys, his blankies, oh how he loved his blankies. I go into his room, with total disbelief that he is really gone.
Over and over I cry out to HIM, LORD JESUS, come please come, heal my broken shattered heart. Just when I think I may die from a broken heart, HE floods me with HIS peace, by reminding me to breathe, and with each breath, that I know is HIS breath in my lungs, I am calmed down from my sorrow for a while, and peaceful sweet rest comes. Sometimes I cry so hard just at the thought of this is my life, and this suffering, this longing, this aching is my life, this is my forever on this side of the veil. The more I think the harder it gets to think about putting one foot in front of the other for more than one step at a time. Planning, scheduling, calendars, watches, clocks, all of it I avoid as much as possible......however, since I have four other children, and a husband, and well I'm a human being WHO has been called to live an extraordinary life, I know that's not possible, and have to face each and every day praying and waiting...... for HIS HOPE, and HIS PEACE to flood me.
For the past week now HE has been letting me know that in order for me to receive HIS true healing from this horrific tragedy I have to first be willing to be present in my suffering. The very thought of that makes me want to run and hide, because suffering means, feeling, and that leads to pain, and then its all too real. Feeling the pain, is overwhelming, telling my heart that my son is gone, forever in this lifetime, makes me so angry, mad, upset, feeling cheated, and defeated. My tears fall like rain, pooling as oceans at my feet, and the only thing that keeps me from going under is my FAITH in HIM, that because HE has taken so much time in teaching, leading, and guiding me to know and understand HIM, that I am able to hold fast, stand firm, in my FAITH, and TRUST in HIM that HE has amazing plans for my life, plans to prosper me, and NOT to harm me, to give me HOPE and a FUTURE. These days, HIS promises are my life preserver.
HIS Daily Teachings today is HIM meeting me right here in the middle of my suffering, tears, heartache, and brokenness. HE is leading me straight into HIS word, and showing me that no matter how hopeless( as I am still human), or helpless I may feel, all I have to do is lean in and press in to HIM, and trust and know that HE is my Living HOPE. Today HE has placed HIS words found in what HIS apostle Peter wrote that HE placed on his heart to share.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead" 1 Peter 1:3
HE is always wanting me to remember and hold fast, hold tight to my FAITH that HE has taught me over the years of walking with HIM. HE is reminding me of the choice that I made to receive HIM as my SAVIOR. HE is telling me that through my choice I have been learning that the reason HE was born unto this earth was to save it. HE is wanting me to remember HE came to save, but to also reconcile us back to HIS HEAVENLY, MY HEAVENLY FATHER, so that when my time here on earth is through, I would join HIM and HIS FATHER in HEAVEN. HE is reminding me that when I am feeling hopeless and helpless, I must remember to take heart, that HE has indeed OVERCOME the world! In knowing this, HE is telling me that is how I can TRUST and BELIEVE that HE is my Living HOPE, as HE is ALIVE, and HE is ALIVE in me! Through HIS HOLY SPIRIT, I know this to be true, as my life, the way it has turned out, is NOT something that I could have ever done on my own.
I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
"Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in your midst?" 1 Corinthians 3:16
HE is once again reminding me of the eternal life that has been promised to me when I received HIM as my LORD and SAVIOR. HE is wanting me to be filled with HIS blessed assurance that the same promise, was kept for my son, and that HE was there to welcome my son home, and that I need not to fear about never seeing my son again, that forever on this side of the veil, is only for a short while, but forever, living in HIS eternal glory, an eternal life with HIM is my future, and it is through HIS Living HOPE that HE has blessed me with, that I am fortunate enough to have been blessed with, is all because HE loved me first.
"We love because he first loved us." 1 John 4:19
HE is wanting me to know that HE is watching over me, and will NEVER let anything hurt me, that even in the death of my son, HE worked in and through my heart, to prepare me for then anger, bitterness, and resentment of feeling, cheated, hopeless, and helpless, so that the evil that is testing my FAITH will NOT win, rather HIS love, HIS Living HOPE which is being poured into me will win. All of this, because I know that in the end, as HE has so lovingly taken the time to teach me that JESUS wins. HIS Living HOPE wins, and it is through HIS Living HOPE, that I know that my journey towards wholeness will be complete when I too am called home.
"Where the streets are made of gold. In Your presence healed and whole.
Let the songs of heaven rise to You alone" Hillsong United "You Hold Me Now"
"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials." 1 Peter 1:6
To believe that you're gone.(You're gone, you're gone)Ooh it was wrong(so wrong, so wrong)" Rascall Flatts "Forever"