Sunday, November 16, 2014

keep calm

Yesterday was an extremely tough day.  D and I had to go open a bank account to deposit the overwhelming amount of checks we've received since the passing of our precious son.  One of the checks was made out to the memorial of our son, and had neither of our names on it. Thus prompting us to have to tell them that it was in memory of our son.  

For the past almost five weeks now the hardest part for me to grasp is that my son's name now has a dash in it.  A dash that represents a life lived, and a life lost.  Every time I see his name like that, my heart sinks even further, as the harsh reality sets in that he is really gone. These are the times where I cry as if though I'm being torn in half.  Which to me sounds about right, as I so desperately want to be a part of my life here on this side of the veil, yet have a deep longing to be with HIM on the other side of the veil.   

Part of me left with my son when he was called home.  My heart isn't the same, it's exposed, it's raw, and it's deeply wounded.  Crying is my new nature, as I cry everywhere.  Even, in the grocery store, which is why we now shop for groceries online.  For that I am so thankful, and grateful that HE is in the details of EVERYTHING.

Last night, I was in bed by 7:30 p.m. physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted from crying, weeping, and mourning.  I felt sick to my stomach, and my head hurt so incredibly bad.  As I laid my head down on my pillow, tears still falling from my eyes, I prayed "LORD JESUS come, come heal my heart, heal me please, please give me peaceful sleep, and rest, LORD JESUS I NEED YOU"  With that I fell into a deep sleep, and slept until 3:30 am which is my usual time to get up and spend time with HIM.  

As I was sitting here in my office journaling, thinking, and listening, HE began to speak to me.  HIS words were "Keep calm and trust ME"  My first thought was, how, how do I keep calm?  HIS Daily Teachings is teaching me and showing me how when I choose to put all of my trust in HIM, I won't need to worry about anything, even through grieving, HE is in the details of my grieving.  HE is wanting me to know that HE knew this morning I would be so eager to soak in HIS word, and learn ALL that HE needed for me to know.  However HIS plan for me this morning is simply this, "keep calm, be still, stand firm, trust in HIM, rest in HIM."

This for me is so hard to do, as I am a pro-active follower.  Meaning, I want to learn, do, achieve, PRAISE and CELEBRATE!!! I know this because through HIM I am truly an OVERCOMER.  Its so incredibly hard for me to just be in mourning, with no end in sight. I am overwhelmed at the idea that forever on this side of the veil I will mourn the loss of my precious son.  That him being called home isn't just a couple of months, and then he will be back.  NO him leaving, this world, our home, our lives, taking a piece of each of our hearts with him is permanent.  Just the very thought of that brings me to my knees, in the worst pain, and deepest anguish I have ever felt. 

Thankfully HE loves me far too much to let me grieve in such a way of hopelessness.  HE is reminding me once again through HIS FAITHFUL promises of WHO HE IS, WHAT HE HAS DONE, and WHAT HE WILL CONTINUE TO DO, and BE for ME.  HE is taking me straight into HIS word where HE comforted the Lazarus' sisters in his time of death, by speaking to them WHO HE is.  This morning HE is doing just that for me, even though I know, I in the deep state of mourning, need to be reminded of HIS FAITHFUL promises to me.  I need HIS truth to penetrate my heart. 

Jesus Comforts the Sisters of Lazarus

On his arrival, Jesus found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb for four days. Now Bethany was less than two miles from Jerusalem,  and many Jews had come to Martha and Mary to comfort them in the loss of their brother. When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him, but Mary stayed at home.
“Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.”
Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.”
Martha answered, “I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day.” John 11: 17-24

I have read HIS word about Martha and Mary many times before, but what i never realized was how deeply grieved the two sisters were over their brothers death.  NOT only did I miss that, but I missed that Martha says that she knows her brother will rise again, meaning at the end.   NOT even realizing that death isn't the end, but the beginning, of ETERNAL LIFE.

"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
“Yes, Lord,” she replied, “I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, who is to come into the world.” John 11:25-27

This morning through HIS word HE is telling me to keep calm HE is the RESURRECTION and the LIFE, because I BELIEVE in HIM, I will live an eternal life on the other side of the veil.  What I am most comforted by this morning is in knowing that, I know that my son knew HIM, knew of HIS love for him.  I know this because HE was in the details to ensure that I would teach my son about HIM, and that even before my son ever said mama, he said JESUS.  I am so thankful that HE created in me a desire to sing HIS praises, and worship with each of my children.  I am so thankful for the opportunities I have been given to teach them HIS word.  Today I am just so incredibly thankful to have been chosen to be their Mama.

After she had said this, she went back and called her sister Mary aside. “The Teacher is here,” she said, “and is asking for you.” When Mary heard this, she got up quickly and went to him. Now Jesus had not yet entered the village, but was still at the place where Martha had met him. When the Jews who had been with Mary in the house, comforting her, noticed how quickly she got up and went out, they followed her, supposing she was going to the tomb to mourn there.
When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”
When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.  “Where have you laid him?” he asked.
“Come and see, Lord,” they replied." John 11:28-34

As I was reading HIS word in these verses the main thing that stood out for me was when Martha called Mary and said, "The Teacher is here."  This is comforting to me to know that HE has made sure that I have understood since May 24, 2013 that HE is indeed my Teacher.  Mary's words resonated deeply in my heart today when she said to JESUS "LORD if YOU would have been here, my brother would not have died."  Within the first few moments of finding my son's lifeless body I cried out to HIM, "OH GOD where were YOU, where are YOU?  Save him, OH GOD OH GOD, my son, my baby, please oh GOD save my son......"

" Jesus wept.
Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”
But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?” John 11:35-37

Upon talking with my daughters about that fateful day, we have remembered things that we didn't at first.  These to me are HIS loving reminders to keep calm so we don't turn to the what if's, if only, how come, why didn't, I should have..... all the things that keep us from remembering to keep calm....... HE is truly in the details.  One of the things my oldest daughter and I remembered is that it had been raining pretty heavy from the hours of 2pm-4pm.  As each of us took turns sleeping during those hours.  This is the time frame that my son passed.  Today I am deeply comforted in knowing that HE wept that day, as HE knew what our family, of HIS FAITHFUL followers was about to endure.  Through it all HE was there, helping each of us, reminding us to keep calm as we were interviewed by the detectives, about what we did that day from the time we got up until then.  Including what we ate, where we went, everything.  HE knew that each of us would need to give specific details of our day, so HE was there giving each of us the strength to keep calm and TRUST HIM.

Today I am deeply comforted in knowing just how much HE loves me, and loves my family. I am so incredibly thankful to know that even though my prayers weren't answered the way I wanted them to be, HE is there, holding me, as I cry in deep anguish into HIS chest.  HE is there, to hold me and breathe HIS peace into me, so that I am able to sleep.  HE holds me when I am falling apart, and through HIS amazing grace, unending, unfailing, relentless love, HE is leading each of us back to our feet.  I am so incredibly thankful to know that even though we may feel helpless, we are NEVER without HOPE, as HE is there to constantly remind us that when the waters rise, the storms rage, all we have to do is keep calm and TRUST HIM.  This I have learned in the last six years of HIM repeatedly saying to me, "Trust in ME and REST in ME."

"We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It’s an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God where Jesus, running on ahead of us, has taken up his permanent post as high priest for us, in the order of Melchizedek." Hebrews 6:19 The Message Bible

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,  I pray today that you will know that HE is there.  HE is holding you as you are "trying" to live this life without HIM, you are living in despair.  I pray that you will have the courage to seek HIM, and receive HIM as your SAVIOR.  I pray that HE will begin to transform and renew your heart, soul, and mind, and release you from captivity in the prison that the enemy has placed you in.  I pray for each of you to know that if life is hard, HE is there, wanting, waiting.... to help you.  I pray today that you will have the courage to let go...... be still..... keep calm.... and TRUST HIM.  I pray that HE will overwhelm you with HIS amazing grace, unending, unfailing, relentless love, as HE shows you just how much HE deeply loves and cares for you, by relentlessly pursuing you. 

Much love, fervent prayers, understanding, compassion, and grace,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS, 

~ Heather 

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