For the past almost five weeks now the hardest part for me to grasp is that my son's name now has a dash in it. A dash that represents a life lived, and a life lost. Every time I see his name like that, my heart sinks even further, as the harsh reality sets in that he is really gone. These are the times where I cry as if though I'm being torn in half. Which to me sounds about right, as I so desperately want to be a part of my life here on this side of the veil, yet have a deep longing to be with HIM on the other side of the veil.
Part of me left with my son when he was called home. My heart isn't the same, it's exposed, it's raw, and it's deeply wounded. Crying is my new nature, as I cry everywhere. Even, in the grocery store, which is why we now shop for groceries online. For that I am so thankful, and grateful that HE is in the details of EVERYTHING.
Last night, I was in bed by 7:30 p.m. physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted from crying, weeping, and mourning. I felt sick to my stomach, and my head hurt so incredibly bad. As I laid my head down on my pillow, tears still falling from my eyes, I prayed "LORD JESUS come, come heal my heart, heal me please, please give me peaceful sleep, and rest, LORD JESUS I NEED YOU" With that I fell into a deep sleep, and slept until 3:30 am which is my usual time to get up and spend time with HIM.
As I was sitting here in my office journaling, thinking, and listening, HE began to speak to me. HIS words were "Keep calm and trust ME" My first thought was, how, how do I keep calm? HIS Daily Teachings is teaching me and showing me how when I choose to put all of my trust in HIM, I won't need to worry about anything, even through grieving, HE is in the details of my grieving. HE is wanting me to know that HE knew this morning I would be so eager to soak in HIS word, and learn ALL that HE needed for me to know. However HIS plan for me this morning is simply this, "keep calm, be still, stand firm, trust in HIM, rest in HIM."
This for me is so hard to do, as I am a pro-active follower. Meaning, I want to learn, do, achieve, PRAISE and CELEBRATE!!! I know this because through HIM I am truly an OVERCOMER. Its so incredibly hard for me to just be in mourning, with no end in sight. I am overwhelmed at the idea that forever on this side of the veil I will mourn the loss of my precious son. That him being called home isn't just a couple of months, and then he will be back. NO him leaving, this world, our home, our lives, taking a piece of each of our hearts with him is permanent. Just the very thought of that brings me to my knees, in the worst pain, and deepest anguish I have ever felt.
Thankfully HE loves me far too much to let me grieve in such a way of hopelessness. HE is reminding me once again through HIS FAITHFUL promises of WHO HE IS, WHAT HE HAS DONE, and WHAT HE WILL CONTINUE TO DO, and BE for ME. HE is taking me straight into HIS word where HE comforted the Lazarus' sisters in his time of death, by speaking to them WHO HE is. This morning HE is doing just that for me, even though I know, I in the deep state of mourning, need to be reminded of HIS FAITHFUL promises to me. I need HIS truth to penetrate my heart.