To be honest, whenever I hear those words, I cringe... as I am usually hearing them when I am bracing myself for yet another breakdown. Over and over people say, "at least you have your husband, and your four children to keep you going." I can't begin to describe how my heart sinks when the words four children are spoken. Like a knife stabbing deep into my chest, as if though my son isn't here anymore, so I now only have four. I feel like screaming, crying out, I have five, five, beautiful precious children! He is STILL my SON!!! But I don't as that would be weird, mean, and well then of course I would need medication as somebody call 911 she's grieving......
Grieving............ is exhausting..... and draining....... this excessive crying is NOT something I'm used to. Never again will I "try" to relate to someone when I haven't a clue as to what they are going through. It is astonishing to me that I can be soaking in my memories of my son, laughing, smiling, and the next minute drenched into the deepest sorrow I have ever known, clinging desperately to HIS word, to HIS promises that HE is HOLDING ME, and that HIS plans are amazing for my life!
"The is the hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
"Cast your on the and HE will sustain you; will never let the righteous be shaken." Psalm 55:22
"The is good, a refuge in times of trouble. for those who trust in him" Nahum 1:7
"Cast all your anxiety on him because HE for you." 1 Peter 5:7
"For I know the I have for you,” declares the , “ to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Day after day, for the past almost 29 days now, I have had to go to sleep NOT being able to tuck my son in his bed. I have had to walk past his now empty room, as the only thing that remains in his room is stuff.... his stuff.... and wow did he have a lot of stuff. It's all housed neatly, in a way he would have absolutely hated it, as he was my messiest child of my five. He was like a little whirlwind with his toys, his clothes, his diapers, his everything. He was so full of life, and loved singing, dancing, and clapping his sweet little hands. His favorite saying was "Mama look at me!"
Well meaning people say they want to hear about my son, yet when I talk about him, the subject is quickly changed as tears always come to my eyes whenever I soak in my memories of him. Just the mere mention of my son's name on someones breath brings me to my knees. I cry NOT because when you say my son's name it reminds me that I lost him, my heart already knows that..... painfully knows that.....
HIS Daily Teachings today is getting right to the matters of my heart of my grief, and is allowing me to once again breakdown in HIS loving embrace ALL the anger, frustration, pain, sorrow, and sadness I feel and am living with each moment that passes in this world where we are all having to live without him, our precious sweet baby love, the kid, the kid-a-kid, the creep, little dude, little man, punkin pie, and the million of other names we all called him. He was/is the brightest light our family has ever known..........
Whenever I see one of my children crying, or hear their cries of anguish that their little brother is no longer here.... I brace myself as I know I'm heading for a breakdown. One of the biggest breakdowns I experience is when we leave our house..... the sorrow runs deep as my knowledge, and the worlds knowledge of my family are so incredibly different. As I know that we were/are 7, and the world will only know us, see us as 6....this leads me straight into the deepest most painful breakdowns of all.
This morning, my heart was so incredibly heavy and I struggled to write the blog. Feeling frustrated I almost gave up completely, but instead cried out to HIM, seeking HIM, wanting so desperately to feel HIS love being poured into me through HIS words as I knew that I needed HIM like I need air. Thankfully HE knew exactly what I needed and met me right where I was, and told me that instead of being brave, courageous, strong, and inspiring.... let it all go..... listen to sad songs, pour out my heart to HIM, and let HIS words HIS love cover me, drench me, and soak me, as HE is, and will continue to rebuild me even stronger than I was before.
I am so incredibly thankful to know that in my deepest, darkest, most painful hours so full of sorrow I can't even see straight, HE is there, HE is holding me, and HE is waiting for me to pour my heart out to HIM. Each time I breakdown HE lets me know that it is so that I will depend on HIM and only HIM, as HE has been teaching me for so long now that HE really is the only one I can depend on. HE is letting me know that HE is the only WHO truly understands how I am feeling every single moment of my life. HE is reminding me that HE lost HIS son as well, so HE knows the pain I feel in losing my son. HE is telling me that HE loves me so much that HE chose me to be my children's Mama for HIS purpose. HE is telling me that HE hears every single one of my cries, and weeps right along with me, as I struggle so hard to fully understand that my plans are NOT HIS plans, and that I need NOT to try to understand WHY, but TRUST WHO, and that is HIM. I am to trust HIM, because HE has taken so much time in my walk with HIM, and taken me back to my earliest memories to show me that HE is indeed SOVEREIGN.
"God’s voice thunders in marvelous ways; he does great things beyond our understanding. He says to the snow, ‘Fall on the earth,’ and to the rain shower, ‘Be a mighty downpour." Job 37:5-6
HE is telling me that I am to meditate on HIS word today, so that in my times of deep sorrow in asking WHY, or HOW can this be the best way? I can lean NOT on my own understanding, but press into HIM, and stand firm in my FAITH, through HIS words that HE has taught me that HIS word, HIS love, HIS truth, HIS light, HIS mercy, HIS grace, HIS faithfulness, is MY SOLID ROCK FOUNDATION, and is ALL that I need now, or will EVER need no matter what happens in my life.
"Trust in the with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
As I was worshiping at church yesterday I couldn't help to smile as I knew that my even being there was yet another small victory that was leading me to live my life as VICTORIOUS, through HIM teaching, leading, and guiding me every single time I breakdown. Now more than ever I am confident that I am in absolute right standing with HIM, as I am no longer timid about WHO I am, because I have been filled with HIS true confidence of WHOSE I am, and because of that I know that when I am called home HIS angels will surely be singing sweet victory.
I am so incredibly blessed and thankful to know that with each small victory, Satan and his minions are defeated. Through each small victory, the enemy loses even more. I am determined, and I will NOT stand for, nor will I EVER accept defeat, by allowing myself to be depressed on top of being sad.
My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, it is my prayer that for anyone who reads today's blog to know that being in a state of mourning doesn't mean that we are depressed, it means that we are sad. It is my prayer that if you are walking the same journey of grief a I am, that you will press into HIM, and soak in HIS promises that HE cares and loves you deeply, and that most importantly that you will come to know and understand that HE is SOVEREIGN. I pray today that if you find yourself in a breakdown, you will be comforted in knowing that the GOD Of ALL comfort is there, holding you , catching every single one of your tears, knows your heart, and the deep sorrow you are in. I pray that you will choose to seek HIM, and allow HIM to transform and renew your heart, soul, and mind so that you too will be able to be rebuilt even stronger than you were before. Hold fast friends, HIS help is on the way.
Through my prayers and tears, loving each of you, and so incredibly thankful for you all,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,