Thursday, November 27, 2014

face it

This past week has been extremely rough, as all I have done really is cry, and mourn not only the loss of my son, but the loss of our family and WHO we used to be.  I cried that our plans were to NEVER bury our children, that our plans didn't include losing our sweet little precious boy.  I cried because of my children's nightmares, and lack of sleep.  I cried because every single morning I was waking up the harsh reality that my son is no longer here.  I cried because as much as I wanted to feel better, I wasn't getting any better, and the more I cried, the harder I cried, and all the while all I could hear from HIM was 

"face it Heather, you are called to suffer, let me teach you how to suffer with me. I know you are hurting, and don't understand why, but I am here, I am holding you, and I will help you.  Lean on me, I am here."

"But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God.  To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps." 1 Peter 2 :20-21

HIS Daily Teachings today is taking me back through the last week and a half, and showing me how HE wasn't able to teach me until now, as it is just now that I am willing to face it that I am in deep mourning, and that to be in mourning, means that I must be willing to be present in my feelings.  

This past week HE introduced several songs to me, that described how I was feeling perfectly.  However, in allowing myself to feel, I started to feel HOPELESS, thankfully HE loves me far too much for me to EVER go on thinking that way for very long, and little did I know it, HE was setting things up to when I finally did face it that I would once again be RESCUED all because HE loves me.

One of the songs I soaked in was "Let it Hurt" by Rascall Flatts.  Through this song I learned that the only way through my pain, sorrow, sadness, and anguish was to let HIS love lead me through.  When I was finally ready to face it that unlike the other tests, trials, and storms of my life, its not as if though I can follow a few steps of HIS teachings, and I will receive HIS gift of healing and true freedom, rather this season of mourning is teaching me, by having me face it, that NO matter how tough I "think" I am, how fierce I am, I, Heather, can't do anything without HIM.  HE is having me face it, so that I will place ALL of my HOPE, FAITH, LOVE, TRUST, and BELIEF in HIM, that through HIM, and with HIM, through HIS HOLY SPIRIT, I will OVERCOME the immense loss of my son, and it will NOT be just me merely surviving, but rather CONQUERING!!!!  

Another song was "Hope in Front of Me" by Danny Gokey, this song was written by grieving Danny during his time of suffering in mourning the loss of his beloved first wife Sophia.  This morning I have listened to this song over and over, as it is truly inspiring to know that with HIM, there is truly HOPE.  

"I've been running through rain. That I thought would never end.  Trying to make it on faith, In a struggle against the wind. I've seen the dark and the broken places.  But I know in my soul , no matter how bad it gets.  I'll be alright ~ There's hope in front of me,  There's a light, I still see it.  There's a hand still holding me, even when I don't believe it.  I might be down but I'm not dead,  There's better days still up ahead.  Even after all I've seen,  There's hope in front of me" Danny Gokey "HOPE in Front of Me"

"As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more." 
Psalm 71:14

Even hearing this song, I was still struggling with how to suffer, as I was quickly learning that suffering means pain, and that was NOT something I was willing to face day in and day out, beyond the pain has permanently taken up in my weary heart, and aching soul.  However, as I know HIS plans are always different from mine, and HE introduced yet another song, one of which would bring out deep emotions, ones that would break me in half, even more than I was already broken, and brought me straight to my knees, and into the deepest weeping I have done since the first week of losing my precious little boy.  

"Sometimes the road just ends. Changes everything you've been.  And all that's left to be. Is empty, broken, lonely, hopin'.  I'm supposed to be strong  I'm supposed to find a way to carry on. I don't want to feel better. I don't want to not remember. I will always see your face in the shadows of this haunted place. I will laugh, I will cry, shake my fist at the sky, but I will not say goodbye. 

They keep saying time will heal.  But the pain just gets more real . The sun comes up each day.
Finds me waiting, fading, hating, praying.  If I can keep on holding on.  Maybe I can keep my heart from knowing that you're gone. " "I will not Say Goodbye" by Danny Gokey

The more I listen to this song, the harder I cry, the harder I cry, the more I feel, and the more I feel, the pain just gets more real. My tears these days fall without me even thinking about anything, they just fall.  My heart is so shattered, and even thinking about moving on without my son, just brings me to my knees, as how do you go on living without someone, when they didn't tell your heart how to live without them?

This past week I have gone through a gamut of emotions, ranging from angry, bitter, JOY, happiness, bittersweet, all confusing me, as I am learning there isn't really a right way to grieve, but there is a right way to suffer, and that is through HIM, and with HIM, and that is exactly what HE has been trying to teach me for the past week and half. 

This morning HE is reminding me of last Thursday at MOPS where my pastor spoke about how we as Mom's are called to suffer.  As soon as he said that I broke into tears, and they didn't stop until much later that day.  My heart was so broken, so weary, and couldn't bear to hear anymore about how I am called to suffer.  As all I could think of is, "after everything I have been through in my life, all that I have suffered, I have to suffer the loss of my precious almost two year old son as well?  You can't be serious GOD, WHY?  WHY? do you think I can do this?  Why are you making me do this?  Please, please, please JESUS, come please unbreak my heart, please let me be his Mama again.... oh please......"  

After crying out to HIM over and over again, HE placed yet another song in my path, and this one spoke VOLUMES to my pain, grief, and sorrow, and gave me the words that I so desperately wanted to say, but couldn't find the words to say.  HIS gift to me was a song, that I will FOREVER sing in my heart whenever I think of my precious blue eyed sweet little boy.

"I miss you so much, Your light, your smile, your way, And everything about us
  • Though you're gone ,Your still here, In my heart, In my tears, Yeah you sure left your mark. We were just getting started.
  • It wasn't long enough, It wasn't long enough together, But it was long enough
    Yeah it was long enough to last forever.
  • Sometimes I get so mad. I scream I swear at this.  'Cause this isn't how we planned it.  I sit here in a cold room, Praying, waitin' on you. To run back through that door, To the way it was before you left. 
  • It wasn't long enough, It wasn't long enough., Together.  But it was long enough, Yeah it was long enough, To last forever.
  • Been cheated, defeated,  Can't believe that you're are gone, You're gone, You're gone, Oh it was wrong, so wrong" "Forever" by Rascall Flats

Forever I will say that my time, our families time with our sweet little boy wasn't long enough, however because HE has taken so much time to prepare my heart in accepting, knowing, and BELIEVING that HIS plans, HIS timing, HIS provision, are perfect for my life, I trust and know that my son, is taken care of until I can be with HIM again.  Not only that he is taken care of, but I know that myself, and my family will be as well.  In learning, and choosing to face it, HE led me to yet another song, one of which was my heart's cry as my son's Mama.  

One of the things that I grieve the hardest about is that I don't get to be my son's Mama anymore, and that means I don't get to teach HIM about HIS LORD and SAVIOR, rather HE is going to teach him.  I don't get to hold, hug, kiss, cuddle, dance, rock, sing to, or do any of the precious, special things I was blessed enough to be able to do for my son for the nine months he was in my womb, and the 728 days he lived, and breathed here on this Earth.  My whole world shattered on the day he left us to begin truly living in eternity with our HEAVENLY FATHER.  In knowing just how badly my Mama heart was breaking, HE led me to yet another song, one that was written by another grieving Mama for her precious 5 1/2 month old son.   A song that is truly written from a broken, weary, and aching Mama's heart, a song that only a mother who loses her child will fully be able to know and understand what it means.  

"I asked you LORD you answered.  A little one you gave.  The hardest part I never knew, was the little one you'd take.  But LORD I trust you now, I know that you are good.  And JESUS I was wondering if you would.  

Hug him once for me, hold him up real close.  Let him sit upon your knee, and tell him all the things we'd teach him about you.  Whisper in his ear, one more simple truth.  Tell him that you love him, and that we love him too.

Waiting here right now LORD, it seems so hard to do.  Longing just to hold him, like other mothers do.  I know that you are faithful, Your hand of Grace I've known.  But I ask you in the mean time, until you call me home.

Hug him once for me, hold him up real close.  Let him sit upon your knee, and tell him all the things we'd teach him about you.  Whisper in his ear, one more simple truth, tell him that you love him, and that we love him too.

And when the trumpet sounds LORD, your face I long to see.  And now I've more reason to wait expectantly.  And when I get to HEAVEN, and see all you have done.  I know that I will understand, and to him I will run.

I'll hug him once for me, I'll hold him up real close.  He'll  sit upon my knee, and tell me all the things you taught him about you.  He'll whisper in my ear, one more simple truth.  He tell me that he loves you, and that he loves me too.  He'll tell me that he loves you, and LORD I love you too."  "Hug him Once for me"  Erica McClure

Each morning I would sit in my office listening to these songs, and would lay my head on my journal, and bible, and weep..... The pain, all of it, not wanting to face it..... However, yesterday I was under a major attack of my spirit, and felt incredibly heavy.  I was struggling to even remember any of HIS promises to me, let alone be able to be positive about my future, or any amazing plans HE has in store for me.  It didn't help that in sharing how weary my heart was, and is, the question of medication came up again.  Stating that I couldn't possibly be grieving so hard, and still function.  However, what I have learned about HIM, when HE says HE loves you, HE most certainly does, and that means even in your darkest hours, deepest sorrow, anguish, and seemingly endless pain, HE is there, and HE is strong so I don't have to be.  

If I have learned anything this past almost two weeks is that being present in my emotions is so that in learning to face it, means that even though I don't know why, or understand why, or feel as if though I may die of my shattered heart.  I trust and know that HE's got me, HE's got this, and HE's already worked it out for my good.  HE is letting me know that in feeling the pain, that is when I was finally in the right mindset to face it.  I am learning that in this season of learning to face it, has been so that NOT only do I know that HE is FAITHFUL, but I will live my life fearless, as I know that with HIM, NOTHING can harm me, that HE can, will, and does turn EVERYTHING out for HIS good.  This means that my son's earthly death, is all a part of a much bigger plan that I can even imagine.  

As I sat on my couch last night, I prayed, "LORD even though I may not understand, I trust YOU, always.  Even though I wouldn't have chosen this timing for my son, I trust YOU, I love YOU, and YOU have proven to me time and again that YOU truly love and do what is best for everyone."  

When I began to seek HIS word today, HE led me straight to Psalms and there was HIS promise of this time of trouble for me, and HIS promise for full restoration of my life, and for that I am so incredibly thankful.  Today is Thanksgiving, and I can't even being to say Thank You to HIM, for ALL that HE has done, is doing, and will continue to do.  Through my sorrow, sadness, and pain, I SEE HIS light, HIS promises, and will continue to seek HIS JOY.  

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once more. I will praise you with the harp for your faithfulness, my God; I will sing praise to you with the lyre, Holy One of Israel. My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you— I whom you have delivered. My tongue will tell of your righteous acts all day long, for those who wanted to harm me have been put to shame and confusion." Psalm 71:20-24

Today my Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS I am praying today's Power Thought by Joyce Meyer "Something good is going to happen to me today," for each and every single one of you.  I pray today that if you too are hurting, you will know that HE is there, HE is FAITHFUL.  I pray today on this day of Thanksgiving, that you will be able to SEE past your pain, hurt, sorrow, and anguish, and SEE all of HIS goodness that HE has, is, and will continue to pour into your life.  I pray today that if you are alone, you will SEEK HIM, and allow HIM to place people in your life to help you and encourage you in this journey called life.  I pray today that you will have the courage to face it, when it comes to your bitterness, anger, sorrow, anguish, and pain, and know that when you do, HE will meet you right where you are, and HE will pour HIS living water, HIS word into your aching and weary heart and soul.

Much love, prayers, compassion, understanding, and grace,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

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