From the moment I woke up yesterday I was met by my deep sorrow. Feeling so incredibly, lost, and broken, needing HIM, I went straight to my office, where HE met me right where I was, and taught me that HE is my FATHER, and HE is always there to comfort me. In knowing that I headed to church with my family.
It was there that I became completely undone once more, and with all the anguish I felt, I fell apart. My unbearable sorrow had found me once again. My heart felt like a million pounds, and tears were streaming from my eyes. I was weary and weak, yet in the midst of it all I was so incredibly thankful to have been out of bed, and at church where I could PRAISE and WORSHIP HIM.
Afterwards we went to lunch, with just two of our kids, as our two teens were home sick, from exhausting in lack of sleep as there is a real fear in this house of sleeping. This breaks my heart, because NOT only are we grieving the enormous loss of our precious little 7th family member, we are now dealing with sickness due to exhaustion from grieving.
During lunch I felt as if though I would break in half from how badly I was hurting, I could feel HIS hands around me, holding me, and guiding me through lunch, and to my feet where HE would lead me back to our home for some much needed rest. HIS strong hands were holding me when my world once again would become so incredibly unbearable.
As soon as I got home, I went straight upstairs, put on my pajamas and crawled into my bed. Holding my son's Tweety close to my chest, I cried myself to sleep. I was awoken by a hissing sound, and could hear the enemy taunting me, "i win, i win, i win" I typed that specifically in lowercase, as there is only one capital "I" in my life, and that is the "GREAT I AM." Over and over the enemies words were creeping in. In realizing what was happening, I cried out to HIM, and HE lead me to my feet where I found myself in my bathroom.
Feeling incredibly disgusted about how badly I have let things go in our home, I began to pray to HIM. "LORD JESUS, I am learning, and have learned that without YOU I, Heather, can't do anything. I am NOT in control, YOU are LORD, as I am learning that YOU truly are SOVEREIGN. Please help me LORD, and show me something I can do." With that HE placed a deep desire in my heart to clean our bathroom. It was small enough to NOT overwhelm me, but just BIG enough for me to feel like I accomplished something. That even though I felt so incredibly helpless this is something that I could do that would soothe the ache of feeling so completely helpless.
At 5 p.m. D, and our two youngest children headed back to our church for WORSHIP night. My heart was aching so badly, and I was feeling so incredibly broken. When we arrived at church, my feet felt like a thousand pounds again, and I struggled to walk in the front door. Once inside, all of my sorrow, pain, anguish, and tears came flooding out of me.
As we made our way to the chapel to sit, I prayed "LORD I call on YOU, I need YOU, oh how I need YOU so desperately, please come LORD, please save me." Thankfully I didn't have to wait long, as HE was there holding me, and leading me to my feet where I would WORSHIP HIM right there in the midst of my deep sorrow, and anguish as my PRAISE to HIM was poured out through my tears.
HIS Daily Teachings today is taking me back to last night and reminding me that in the middle of my PRAISING and WORSHIPING HIM is where HE met me, and lead me back to my feet, when I didn't think I could possibly stand. HE is reminding me that is where through HIS amazing grace and relentless love HE brought me to my feet, so I could feel the vibrations from the band, shaking HIS HOUSE, HIS CHURCH, in a revival DEEP in my aching, broken, and weary heart and soul.
Today I am so incredibly thankful that even though I am in a deep state of mourning, I know that HE is there. It is so incredibly comforting for me to know that HE loves me too much to ever let me do any of this on my own. I am thankful to serve such a loving GOD WHO's love for me is truly relentless. Today I am so incredibly thankful that through each step that I take with HIM, HE is leading me to small victories.
HE is letting me know that each time I seek HIM, and ask HIM to teach, lead, and guide me HE is there, and HE will lead me to small victories, so that in the end, in HIS timing, NOT mine, I will be VICTORIOUS! HE is wanting me to know that I will be able to achieve small victories in every single area of my life, as long as I, Heather, (in the process of becoming reformed control-freak) surrender so that HIS HOLY SPIRIT will be able to continue to work in me, and through me, to bring me back to my feet, so that I, Heather, HIS FAITHFUL and HUMBLE SERVANT will be able to do my part in making HIS KINGDOM known in this broken, and fallen world, that is so incredibly in desperate need of a SAVIOR. A world that has NO idea of WHO HE is, WHAT HE has done, is doing, and will continue to do.
"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." 2 Corinthians 3:17
This morning HE is speaking straight to my heart that is racing at the thought of my son, is NO longer in need of HIS Mama, and this is because he is with the ONE WHO meets all of our needs. Today HE is letting me know that in calling HIS son home it was so that I would know that all that I have ever needed, or will ever need is HIM. HE is reminding me that HE sent HIS messenger of HOPE, so that when HE called HIS messenger home, is was so that in losing HIM, it would be what brought me straight to HIS arms.
Today though my heart is breaking and is aching to hold my precious little boy, I am deeply comforted in knowing that HE is SOVEREIGN, and because of that I am choosing to TRUST HIM with all that I am, and all that I have, as HE has proven HIMSELF to me time and again, that HE truly does know and love me best. Simply put, HE called his son home, so that I, Heather would truly understand what home means for me. So that I would be able to withstand HIS calling of hard as I know that through HIS HOLY SPIRIT, I can and will OVERCOME, even losing my earthly son.
Losing my son has been unbearable, and the journey with out him seems "impossible," however through HIS Daily Teachings I am learning that everything is possible with HIM. Losing my son has brought me back to HIM, and placed me in HIS loving arms in showing me that I had the greatest desire and need in a way that I NEVER knew existed.
HE is letting me know that each day that I choose to get out of bed, take a shower, brush my teeth, eat healthy, and show up to make memories with my amazing husband D, and my precious four children, on this side of HEAVEN, those are the small victories that will lead me on HIS path in transforming and renewing me on this journey towards wholeness, where I, Heather will be VICTORIOUS!!!
HE is telling me that those small victories also include writing this blog, and telling it to the masses of WHO HE is in my life, WHAT HE has done, and WHAT HE promises HE will do in my future. HE is telling me that my purpose in this life, the one life that I have been blessed enough to be living is to simply FAITHFULLY and INTENTIONALLY LIVE OUT MY FAITH. My purpose is to do my part, of which HE is teaching, leading, and guiding me to do in making HIS KINGDOM known here in this broken and fallen world that is in DESPERATE NEED of a SAVIOR.
HE is wanting me to know that this means I must be HOLY SPIRIT led through each of these small victories. HE is reminding me once again, that whenever I feel anxious about HIS calling for my life, all I need to do is call on HIM, and seek HIM, and HE will equip me with everything I need to do for my part in making HIS KINGDOM known in me and through me.
HE is reminding me once again of HIS amazing gifts that HE has equipped me with, as HE so lovingly taught me many years ago. Through HIS mercy, discernment, wisdom, and amazing gift of prayer, is what will lead me to the small victories that will lead me back to my feet, so that I will be able to be HIS hands and feet. WOW!!!! GOSH, I love my LORD and SAVIOR, I am in awe of HIS amazing love for me, and how HE pursues me at EVERY level to ensure that I am able to TRUST HIM with absolutely every single area of my life, my heart, and my soul! PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW!!!!
HE is letting me know that in being HOLY SPIRIT led in HIM, through HIM I will be blessed with small victories and the best part is I will know and find HIS true JOY which HE has taught me is HIS gift to me, and for me, as HE has always planned for my life. HE is wanting me to know that in seeking, and claiming HIS true JOY, that is how HE will lead me back to my feet, and that is when I will know that with HIM, through HIM, through HIS amazing grace, and relentless love, and unfailing, unshakable strength I, Heather, will be VICTORIOUS!
HE is wanting me to know that I must continue to pray HIS promises and remind HIM of them. I must choose to speak HIS words, FAITHFULLY, knowing, and fully expecting HIM to keep HIS promises to me. I know that I am able to remind HIM of HIS promises to me, as HE has made it known for quite some time now that has been HIS will, HIS plan, HIS purpose for my life. In knowing this, in HIM teaching, leading, and guiding me that is where I am finding HIS true JOY. Wow! I just love how much HE loves me, I am in awe of how much HE will STOP at nothing to ensure that I know HIS love for me is UNFAILING, UNENDING, UNCONDITIONAL, and so totally and completely relentless. That HIS plan and HIS purpose for my life has always been for me to NOT just know of HIM, but to known HIM, to trust HIM, and to love HIM, just as HE knows me, and loves me.
HE is teaching me that small victories are given unto me when I surrender with arms held high, and heart abandoned, and say "Here I am LORD, have YOUR way in me." I did this on the morning of October 13, 2014, with my precious son by my side, and that afternoon I learned what that truly meant. I am living proof that you can survive, you can go on breathing, doesn't mean you want to, but you can, and will, and HE is the ONE WHO in HIS timing will lead you back to your feet.
I am still currently operating on an hourly basis, one task at a time, and through it all I know that HE is there. Gone are the days of multi-tasking, and angry venting of pure frustration that I had too much to do. These days I am seeking HIM in all that I do, and I'm NOT feeling guilty that I am NOT accomplishing much. Rather I am clinging to HIM, and allowing HIM to transform my heart, and mind to know that my life needs to be FULL of HIS small victories, as that is how HE has always intended for me to live, and that is how on that day, through HIS timing that I am called home, that is when the angels will be singing sweet victory! That is when I will meet JESUS face to face, and HE will say to me "Well done good and FAITHFUL servant!"
"His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!" Matthew 25:21
"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."
2 Timothy 4:7
My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, oh how I hope and pray for each of you who are blessed enough to be reading HIS word today, through HIS HOLY SPIRIT that has been written by me, that you will know that HE loves you, and desires for you to know just how much HE loves you. I pray today that if you are broken, you will have the courage to seek HIM, and HE will meet you at the foot of the cross, ready and waiting to take your burdens from you. HE is wanting you to know that NO matter what you may have done, how bad you have messed up, HE is there, and HE loves you. I pray that you will know that HE is your REDEEMER, and HE will bind up and heal ALL of your wounds. Today I pray, that you will be able to say, "LORD ALL my HOPE is in YOU, this world has failed me, hurt me, abused me, abandoned me, I'm in need of a SAVIOR, I need you LORD JESUS." I pray that when you do, HE will lead you on the start of your journey towards wholeness with HIM, as HE leads you through small victories, so that one day you too will be VICTORIOUS!
I love you all so very much, and am so humbly honored and blessed to be so transparent with all of you.
love, blessings, and prayers,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,