Yesterday was my first day back at MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) at my church since my precious son's passing. The drive there took me about 45 min, and when I pulled into the parking lot, I parked my truck.... dreading, almost starting it and driving away.... I sat there thinking, "this can't really be my life, surely this is just dream, and I'm going to wake up any moment now, and my son will be here, sitting in his car seat." It was then I glanced in my rear view mirror and saw his empty car seat, as tears began to stream from my eyes, forming yet another ocean of tears in my sorrow.
It took every ounce of strength I had, just to pray for enough strength to get out of my truck. Slowly I made my way to the front door, feeling as if though my legs weighed a thousand pounds. As soon as I walked in I saw my Pastor's Wife, and she hugged me, in her arms I fell apart, shaking, crying, and wanting so desperately to just be able to wake up, and be told it was all just a dream.
Slowly more mom's were showing up, and everyone was noticing that I was there. You know, the Mama who lost her precious almost 2 year old son. The one they call brave, courageous, inspiring, amazing..... words of which I have a hard time hearing about myself, especially on this particular day, as I almost went home... I almost didn't come, as it was all to unbearable to see so many beautiful little children running around.
This year MOPS international is sending giving keys to all of the moms, and we are to pray about who to give them to, and then if we want to share our story of who we gave our keys to and why. The premise of the keys is this: every key tells a story. The keys all say courage. I was blessed with a dear soul-sister's key two weeks before MOPS started, about a month before my son passed. Feeling completely caught off guard, and astonished that she would see me as someone who exemplifies courage.
I began wearing my key right away, not really understanding what it meant for me, but praying that HE would reveal to me WHY I received my key. Well I didn't have to wait long, as two short weeks later my son had a seizure, and during that time I was courageous and didn't freak out, and was clinging to my key as I called 911. In my humanness I "thought" I understood what courage meant, when really I couldn't have possibly imagined what my key would mean to me just three short weeks later.
On the day of Monday October 13, 2014, I woke up feeling excited, I woke up feeling FREE. I even wrote about in my journal, and wrote out the days blog. My son was with me, and something was off about him. D and I tried our best to figure out what he needed, and determined that he was probably teething, and just needed to rest, and take in as much fluids as he could. He cuddled all morning with his daddy, and made his way around to each of us for special cuddle, snuggle, holding time. That afternoon around 1:15 pm, I said "night night" to my precious little love, not even realizing that would be the last time I would see his precious baby blues looking right at me.
At 4 pm, my world, our families world shattered. There is this song by Rascal Flatts called Here Comes Goodbye, that is truly my life right now, the season I am in is, here comes goodbye.
"Here comes goodbye, here comes the last time. Here comes the start of every sleepless night. The first of every tear I'm gonna cry. Here comes the pain, Here comes me wishing things had never changed"
Every morning when I open my eyes, I PRAISE HIM for loving me. Then the sadness takes over, sorrow finds me, as I begin to relive here comes goodbye. I replay in my mind every morning the pain, the first tears that fell, the screaming that came out of me, that I had never known could come out of me. The screaming of my precious daughters, and the tears falling. Running out into the rain, and mud, collapsing in my socks, crying, begging, pleading OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD, OH PLEASE SAVE MY SON! Even typing, makes me cry another ocean of tears. My brave husband so desperately trying to do CPR on our precious son, reminding me to breathe, running down our steep stairs, screaming OH GOD OH GOD.... the sounds, the panic, the tragedy... every day, every day I relive here comes goodbye.
D and I driving our truck racing to be by our son's side, praying DESPERATELY for JESUS to PLEASE SAVE HIM. D screaming at me to PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY! The anguish, the pain, in knowing in my heart, that everything was changed, knowing that goodbye was placed upon us, and somehow someway we were going to have to find the strength to go to our sweet baby loves bedside, and kiss him, hold him, pray over him, sing to him, love him in the flesh for the last time. Over and over here comes goodbye finds me no matter where I am.
Everyday through here comes goodbye, I choose to get up out of bed, shower, and get dressed. I even do my hair, and put on makeup, so I feel somewhat alive inside. The truth is, I feel so broken, so terribly, horribly, broken...... My baby, is gone.... my arms are empty, and I ache to hold him. I cry all of the time, just not sitting, I keep moving, through here comes goodbye crying oceans of tears, I keep moving. Through it all the pain, the sorrow, the sadness, the anguish, and the grief I keep moving.
I have yet to lay in bed past 8 am. I have yet to sit on the couch the entire day and just cry. The hardest part of knowing that here comes goodbye is coming when I lay my head down on my pillow is that time keeps going on. Knowing that our lives are there to be lived, to the fullest, as HE has always intended for us to live.
Yet, we struggle with the question of how do you live your life to its fullest when someone is missing. HIS Daily Teachings today is HIS loving reminder to me just how much HE loves me. HIS promises are there for me to cling to, and each time I cry a new ocean of tears, HE is there, holding me, and crying with me.
"Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted" Matthew 5:4
The other night while driving to meet D for our life group, I cried out in totally anguish that the realization that my son no longer needed his Mama was devastating. That I, Heather, his Mama, so desperately wanted, and needed her sweet baby love back in her arms. HE let me know that HE knows how much I ache for my son, but that my ache for HIM should be even greater. HE let me know that my desire for HIM to be in everything is all I am to be needing. In hearing this, and knowing this I then said to HIM "but YOU made me, and YOU chose me to be his Mama. YOU gave me the desire to be his Mama, and this ache, this awful hole in my shattered heart and soul can only be healed by YOU. Please heal me JESUS."
When we got to life group, they met us with prayer, hugs, and tears. Loving on us every step of the way. HE was truly in the details in orchestrating this enormous support system that we have been so very blessed with.
Even though we have this amazing support system, I am still so far out in the ocean, where the only thing for me to do is reach up. Each morning that relive here comes goodbye, is HIM healing me, and reminding me that though I am in the ocean, HE is with me, and all I have to do is reach up, and HE will pull me into HIS strong, loving arms, and hold me as I cry deep into HIS chest.
"When you pass through the waters,nd when you pass through the rivers,When you walk through the fire,
You, , keep my lamp burning;Psalm 18:28
"My comfort in my suffering is this:
This morning as I relive here comes goodbye HE is wanting me to remember HIS promise to me, that I found so much comfort in HIS word so many years ago.
"The is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:4
Many prayers of love and thankfulness for each and everyone of you,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,