Saturday, November 15, 2014

blank slate

Almost twelve years ago D and I bought my first bible.  It was a Mom's Devotional Bible, as I so desperately needed to know and understand what it meant for me to be someone's mom.  Almost immediately HE began to teach me that I didn't become someones mom because I wanted to be, rather I became a mom because I was chosen to be.

Six months into my journey with HIM, deciding whether or not I wanted, much less needed a SAVIOR, the unthinkable, unimaginable happened.  Eleven weeks into my third pregnancy, D and I received the news that we were in fact going to be suffering what would be our first miscarriage.  It was during that time that I realized I was at a cross roads with HIM.  I knew that I was either going to run straight to HIM, or shut the door and NEVER look back.

Well as you know, I chose HIM, and thus began this amazing journey that HE would lead me on to teach me how to be someones Mama.  Five someones to be exact.  Five, living, breathing, thriving, beautiful, gifts sent from HEAVEN.  

"Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him." Psalm 127:3-5

Around year three of our journey with HIM leading us, HE began to teach D and I the importance of understanding that our children whom we call mine, are in fact NOT ours, but rather HIS, as they are gifts from HIM.  For that matter everything that we have, including each other, is HIS gift given unto us, entrusted to us to care for in this life until, we are called home.

" Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

HIS Daily Teachings today is HIM meeting me right here in my office, in the deepest sorrow I have ever known.  A sadness that has taken over my soul, that even though I know is there, the light is dim.  HE is wanting me to know that though it may seem dim, HIS light is always there, is shining BRIGHT for me.  HE is reminding me that HE is there, holding me, catching each of my tears, and knows of the deep pain, anguish, and sorrow that I am living with.  Today HE is taking me straight to the matters of my heart and encouraging me to speak the sadness that I feel, give it a voice, and tell HIM why I hurt so deeply.

"The Lord is my light and my salvation  whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1

Not knowing what to say, in pure desperation to hear from HIM, I pulled my first bible off the shelf.  This bible, HIS word is what has sustained me all these years as a mom.  Thankfully it didn't just sustain me, but led me straight to HIS path, HIS plan, HIS purpose for my life to be Mama.  

As I began to comb through the already marked up pages,  I came across a page titled The Legacy of Samson's Mother.  Feeling frustrated I said, "please LORD, show me, speak YOUR truth to me."  In that moment my eyes fell upon exactly what HE wanted me to know.

"A child isn't a blank slate on which we can write our wishes and life prescriptions for him or her.  Each child comes with unique abilities and temperament."

"The demands of motherhood are heavy, and sometimes the rewards are slim.  Disappointment and disillusionment have been with many mothers until their deaths.  But Samson's mother teaches us that GOD requires loving obedience and the relinquishing of results to him."  The Weekend "A Mother's Legacy"

HE is speaking straight to my heart this morning in reminding me that NOT only was my son NOT mine, but HIS son, HIS gift that HE sent to my husband and I.  HIS son that HE entrusted to us to raise, train up, and to love and to cherish.  HE is wanting me to know and understand, that it is imperative for me to grasp this that NOT only are my children NOT my own, their purpose, WHO they are, WHOSE they are, is NOT up to me.  Woah!!! What?????  

HE is telling me that just as I have been learning that HE has a purpose for my life, HE also has a purpose for each of my children's lives.  HE is telling me that HE has heard, did hear, every single one of my prayers in desire for my children in WHOM I would most desire for them to become.  Today my reality is harsh, hard, and sometimes cruel, well that is when I look at it in my human perspective.  Thankfully HE loves me far too much to let me go on "thinking" in my humanness, and is blessing me with, HIS gift, of HIS perspective, through HIS HOLY SPIRIT, WHO LIVES IN ME, that HE is SOVEREIGN, and that means that HIS plan and HIS purpose is how not only D and I will be living, that is also how our children will be living.

"Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit." Acts 2:38

"As for God, his way is perfect: The Lord’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him." Psalm 18:30

HE is wanting me to know that HE is there, HE is catching every single one of my tears that fill the ocean that I am currently in.  HE is telling me that though I can't fathom why I had to lose my son, say goodbye, hand him back to HIM, suffer..... immensely the greatest tragedy I have ever known in my life, HE knows why, and through my FAITH in HIM, HE will lead me through my deep sorrow, pain, and anguish, by shining HIS light to direct my path.

"It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure." Psalm 18:32

"Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path." Psalm 119:105

The hardest part of my grief, grieving my son, is that he no longer needs me.  This makes my heart ache in a way that is unimaginable.  It is because since I knew I was having him, four months into my pregnancy with him, I was awoken from a deep slumber to my calling as Mama.  I began praying for the precious little life growing inside of me, and fought hard to eat right, sleep, and go to every doctor appointment, which was every week as I was on twice weekly injections to sustain my pregnancy, and had to go for weekly blood draws to make sure that my baby would make it.

"And do this, understanding the present time: The hour has already come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed." Romans 13:11

Every week, twice a week D would administer an injection into my hip, and each time we would pray for the precious little life that was growing inside of me.  Finally four days before my due date, the doctor said it was time for our son to be born.  On October 15, 2012 I went in for a repeat cesarean section, and our precious little baby love was born.  

"Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:16

Within the first six months of my son's life, I became rededicated to building my relationship with HIM, and I began to pray with fervor for each of my children.  All the while praying what I "thought" I should be praying, never once asking HIM what HIS plans were for each of my children.

" For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

HE is wanting me to know that HE was very well aware of my plans, my desires, my hopes, and my dreams for my precious son.  HE is reminding me once again though, that HIS plans are NOT my plans, and if I choose to trust HIM, HE will show me that through HIS timing and HIS provision, everything HE does is for good. 

"In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps. " Proverbs 16:9

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a]have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

HE is once again blowing me away with how much HE loves me.  Yesterday I "tried" in vain to find HIS word, the exact scripture above, and no matter how much I "tried" I couldn't find it.  However HE knew, HE knew what my morning would be like today, and knew that I would pull my first bible out, and tucked neatly inside would be a card that I wrote on years ago that says simply : " * remember Ephesians 2:10, Romans 8:28 ~ Know & love GOD more & more every single day.  Be more intentional in your relationship with GOD"

"For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10

HIS reminder to me today is simply this :  Just as I know that HE has amazing plans for my life, so does HE also for the lives of my husband and my children.  HE is telling me that HIS plans for my sons life didn't go past the time that HE called HIS son home.  HE is reminding me once again that I am here, because HE created me to be here, just as HE created everyone else to be here.  It is NOT by accident or by chance that I am here, but rather for purpose, HIS purpose, so that I would be truly living, and making HIS KINGDOM known here in this broken, fallen, destitute world in dire need of a SAVIOR.

"Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman’s testimony, “He told me everything I ever did.” So when the Samaritans came to him, they urged him to stay with them, and he stayed two days  And because of his words many more became believers. They said to the woman, “We no longer believe just because of what you said; now we have heard for ourselves, and we know that this man really is the Savior of the world.” John 4:39-42

" I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

" For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.  Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son. This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God." John 3:16-21

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, It is my prayer today that you will know that HE is ALIVE, and that HE can help you.  I pray that you will know that HE will deliver you from your problems, and your strongholds, that NO ONE not ONE PERSON can help you with.  I pray that in HIM you will know that you NEVER have to feel hopeless, as HE is there.  I pray that you know in your helplessness you will feel HIM leading you and guiding you with HIS help, through HIS love.  I pray that when you find yourself feeling powerless to save yourselves, you will know that HE is there, ready to save you.  I pray that you will know that HE loves you, so much, and that HE NEVER intended for you to have to live your life alone.  I pray today you will have the courage to admit that you NEED a SAVIOR, and that you will surrender, ALL of you, and seek HIM, and HIS goodness.  I pray that HE will overwhelm you with HIS amazing grace, and relentless love as you let HIM begin to renew and transform your heart, soul, and mind.  I pray that you will know that in HIM, through HIM, every single one of your NEEDS will be met.

Much love, fervent prayers, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

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