Saturday, January 24, 2015

all my HOPE

Yesterday was an incredibly hard day.  Whatever things could go wrong, pretty much did.  At every turn I was met with opposition, and by noon my day had already chewed me up and spit me out, and left me sobbing in its dust.  As each hour passed, I begged, and pleaded for relief, and the more I prayed the more bitter I became.  

"In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly." 1 Samuel 1:10

Looking back on my journal yesterday I SEE that it was mostly sad faces, and telling HIM how everything hurts.  Begging and pleading for HIM to please come, crying from the deepest part of my shattered heart and soul of how I long so terribly to be our family of seven in the flesh once again.  Ending my thoughts with, "LORD JESUS my heart is so broken :(" 

"In my distress I called to the Lord;  I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears." Psalm 18:6

This morning however is NOTHING, PRAISE JESUS, like yesterday was.  So much in fact, I woke up knowing that it was going to be another day without my precious little love, but just knowing that HE is with me always, made it all so much more bearable.  In my journal I wrote, "LORD JESUS, though I feel so incredibly helpless, I know I am NEVER without HOPE.  YOU are with me ALWAYS."

"Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassion's never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

"remember that at that time you were separate from Christ, excluded from citizenship in Israel and foreigners to the covenants of the promise, without hope and without God in the world. But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near by the blood of Christ." 
Ephesians 2:12-13

HIS Daily Teachings is taking me back to yesterday where bitterness, anger, and tears flooded every single fiber of my being.  HE is letting me know that HE knew I was struggling, and that HE was there, is there, and is reminding me that HE will always be there, holding me, helping me, and catching every single one of my tears.

"Record my misery;  list my tears on your scroll are they not in your record?" Psalm 56:8

I absolutely love this version found in The King James Bible:

" Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?" Psalm 56:8

I can only imagine the size of my bottle of tears that HE has kept......

HE is wanting me to always know and remember that this journey called life that I am on with HIM is going to be hard, however HE is filling me with HIS promises to me in telling me that I must cling to all my HOPE which is only found in HIM.  I know this to be true as this is the very foundation of my FAITH.  I don't have this FAITH just because, no rather I have FAITH, because HE has taken so much time, preparing me to SEE it, FEEL it, and EXPERIENCE it, by teaching, leading, and guiding me every single step of the way.

"For you have been my hope, Sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth." Psalm 71:5

"Yes, my soul, find rest in God;  my hope comes from him." Psalm 62:5

"But now, Lord, what do I look for?   My hope is in you." Psalm 39:7

"Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." Psalm 25:4-5

"Guard my life and rescue me;  do not let me be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope, Lord, is in you." Psalm 25:20-21

This morning HE is wanting me to know that HE isn't mad at me for my bitterness, as HE understands where it comes from.  HE is telling me that my bitterness isn't because I don't BELIEVE, rather because I KNOW, as I was, I lived and experienced HIS goodness, and HIS faithfulness, and I know what it is to be truly set FREE from the bondage's, lies, and manipulations of my past.  All of which up until the worst day of my life happened, I had thought to be the most excruciatingly painful experiences of my life.  That up until know could I possibly understand or know that they pale in comparison to the depth of the loss, the pain, the bitterness, the anguish, the anger that I live with as I take each step in the hardest part of my journey with HIM that is my life.

"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4

More than once yesterday I came to the resolve that my life would always be hard, however up until the worst day of my life, I would fail to realize that life could be or that devastatingly sad would be so incredibly, unbearably, unbelievably cruel.  As the words spilled from my lips, I gasped from the depth of those words.  Speaking from the deepest parts of my wounded and weary,  shattered, and broken heart and soul.

Through my tears, I struggled to get through the day, and more than once I found myself in my bed, crying deep into HIS chest, of just how incredibly cruel this life is, and how I just prayed that either HE would come back, or sadly in pure moments of despair and desperation, that something would just kill me.  Not wishing or even wanting to die, but wanting and needing so desperately at times overwhelming relief, from this horrendous part of my journey full of sorrow, sadness, anguish, pain, and tears.  Up until I experienced and lived, and survived the worst day of my life, I never knew what having a hard life could really be, or mean.

"About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lemasabachthani?” (which means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”)" Matthew 27:46

I feel as if though I should write that I in no way shape or form am formulating a plan to get to HEAVEN, other than by doing and fulfilling HIS purpose for my life, as even in deep pain and anguish, JESUS HIMSELF cried out to HIS FATHER. My crying out in the same way, just shows how weak I am in the flesh, and my strength for survival comes only through HIM, HIS HOPE, that is HIS power in me, because of HIS love for me. 

"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” Matthew 26:41

"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” Mark 14:38

That doesn't mean that in my weakness, which is my humanness, I don't stumble, I don't shrink back in a way, and want so desperately to be relieved from this pain.  However, since I know HE loves me far too much to EVER let me give up, as HE has so lovingly prepared me for the hardest part of my journey, I know that I am NOT only going to survive, but with HIM, and through HIM I am going to CONQUER!  

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39

I also feel as if though some may not understand my transparency in my writing, and may feel as if though I am NOT in the right mind, but I am being filled with HIS Blessed Assurance that I am exactly where HE wants me to be, and that is right there in the middle of my emotions, my feelings, spilling out to HIM my thoughts, and allowing HIS promises, HIS truth, HIS word fill each and every part of me that is broken.  

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." 
Romans 15:13

HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how weary I feel, and so once again HE is reminding me the POWER of HIS HOPE that lives in me.  On Tuesday I received yet another package in the mail from another one of my Sister's in CHRIST JESUS.  Inside was a beautiful card, and a handmade bracelet with HIS loving reminder that just as HE is with me always, so is my precious little love.  She went onto say that she felt prompted by HIM to remind me that HE is with me always, and my son was with me, and is now with HIM, so therefore my son is with me always.  I love that reminder, I cling to that reminder, as it is what makes it all so bearable.

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure" Hebrews 6:19

"I keep my eyes always on the Lord.  With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalm 16:8

Writing about this part of my journey with HIM is hard, as in my humanness I shudder at the thought of what people will think of me, how they will SEE what little FAITH I do have, and how in all of this, I am human, and I am weak.  How that even though I know HE is with me always, there are times where I have NEVER felt more alone.

"Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish. Look on my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins. See how numerous are my enemies
and how fiercely they hate me!" Psalm 25:16-19

HE is telling me that HE knows about those times, and wants me to cling to HIS promise that HE will always be there, and that HE will NEVER leave, nor forsake me.  Today I am being renewed and restored after taking such a beating of my FAITH yesterday.  Today I am clinging to HIS promise to me, in knowing that all my HOPE is truly in HIM. 

" Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8 

Today I am standing firm in my FAITH, with HIS FIRE, HIS light burning bright within me, to share, to tell, to shout, to scream it to the masses that HE is GOD and HE is GOOD ALL of the time.  Today I am NOT viewing this life in human perspective, but rather HIS perspective, which is ETERNAL Perspective.  Today my face isn't buried deep into HIS chest but rather looking up straight at HIM, and waiting for HIS timing and HIS provision that HE can, and WILL work everything out for HIS good.  Today I am choosing once again to follow HIM with ALL that I am and in EVERYTHING I do, think, and speak.  Today I am choosing to one again place ALL of my HOPE in HIM.  

"Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place" Ephesians 6:14

"You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you." 2 Chronicles 20:17

"Everyone will hate you because of me, but the one who standfirm to the end will be saved" Mark 13:13

"Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."1 Corinthians 15:58

"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong." 1 Corinthians 16:13

"Not that we lord it over your faith, but we work with you for your joy, because it is by faith you stand firm." 2 Corinthians 1:24

" But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ" Philippians 3:20

HE is wanting me to know that if ever I find myself feeling as low as I did yesterday to bury my face deep into HIS chest, spill from my lips EVERYTHING horrible, faithless, desperate, thought I am thinking, so that HE can and WILL pour HIS truth into every single  fiber of my being, to wash out, wash away all of the enemies lies, bondage's and manipulations.

" Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you" 1 Peter 5:7

Once again I am SEEING HIS light shining as bright as the SUN for me, shutting out, washing out the darkness that is lurking.  Today I am choosing to place ALL my HOPE in HIM, trusting and knowing that NO matter what happens in my FUTURE, or present, HE is there, and HE knows what is going to happen, and even if I have to live another worst day of my life, HE is there, will be there, and all I have to do is remember that no matter what all my HOPE is in HIM, and with HIM and through HIM I can and will survive anything and everything that the enemy tries to wipe me out and destroy me with.

"The path of the righteous is like the morning sun, shining ever brighter till the full light of day." Proverbs 4:18

Today I am being renewed with HIS HOPE, that I, Heather, Daughter of the KING, the ONE TRUE LIVING GOD, my CREATOR, my ABBA, my Daddy, am covered, am protected, as I am HIS special possession, CHOSEN on purpose, found, rescued, as HIS broken beautiful mess, so that I would live out HIS purpose for my life, to help HIM as HIS living vessel as HIS ambassador to reach the last, the least, and the lost.  Today what the enemy has tried many times to wipe me out with, has only grown, and strengthened my FAITH, and HOPE in HIM.  Today I am shouting LOUDER than EVER before, ALL MY HOPE IS FOUND IN HIM!!!!

" In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will" Ephesians 1:11

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" Romans 8:28

" being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." 1 Peter 2:9

In knowing just how much I need HIS constant reminders that HE is truly FAITHFUL, through the prompting of HIS HOLY SPIRIT I received a text from my soul sister M.  She said it was her devotional today, and wanted to send encouragement to me for my day today. I have to say I was floored when I read the prayer at the end.

"In sorrow JESUS, YOUR comfort will take all the bitterness and longing away and give me courage to face the heartache.  YOUR grace will console me and YOUR arms will support me.  Thank YOU, dear LORD."

Oh YES!!! AMEN! AMEN! AMEN!  This, is most definitely my prayer today!  I am so incredibly thankful, and grateful to know that each day that I am given to open my eyes up to, I know that as soon as I do, I am in HIS presence, and when I look up I will SEE HIM and all that HE is doing, and has been doing while I was sleeping.  Today I know more now than EVER that HE is FAITHFUL, HE is GOOD, HE is GENEROUS, and HE is most certainly MERCIFUL.

"The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love" Psalm 103:8

Each day as HE takes me deep into HIS word, I am awestruck, at how at every single turn of my emotions, HIS word is there, showing me that I am NOT alone, I have HIS word to cling to HIS loving PROMISE to me, that HE knows, HE understands, and HE cares deeply for me, so much that HE has given me HIS gift of HIS word, to cling to, to read, to soak in, so that when my time of suffering and mourning is lessened I will be able to speak HIS word, HIS truth to the masses.

"All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness" 2 Timothy 3:16

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, it is my fervent prayer that if you have yet to soak in HIS presence, that today is the day you will surrender your heart, seek HIM with ALL you are, and SEE, feel, and experience just how deep and vast HIS love is for you. I pray that in my transparency I reveal to you the weakness that is of the flesh, but when you choose to walk by HIS spirit, HIS HOLY SPIRIT, NOTHING can separate you, and that even though bad things are happening, have happened or will happen, HE will always be there, to hold you, to help you, and to care for you.  I pray today that if you too are walking a journey full of sorrow, sadness, anguish, anger, tears, and pain, that you will know that you are NEVER alone, HE is there, and HE is waiting.  I pray today that you will open the door of your heart to HIM, so that you will SEE that all of your HOPE is found in HIM.

My love and prayers for you all, with much grace, compassion, and understanding, the struggle is real, but so is HIS HOPE, cling to it my dear friends, stand and cling....

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

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