Saturday, January 3, 2015

New Beginnings

Going into this New Year, I went into it with uncertainty and dread.  I entered into this New Year with the deepest most painful sadness I have ever had to endure in my entire life.  As friends and family were sharing all of their good news of what was happening in their lives, I'll be honest, it felt as if though a knife were being shoved through my heart, over and over. With each new exciting bit of news, the knife plunged deeper than the last.  The aftermath of those attacks, left me battered, bruised, hurting, and sobbing deep into HIS chest.

For the past week now I have cried in a way that I had yet to cry.  This pain was NOT only mourning the loss of my precious son, but also the loss of our future.  The future that was FULL of my plans, mine and D's plans for our family.  Plans that our children made with each other.  The truth is this New Year was a HUGE slap in the face of "your plans are NOT HIS plans, and you just have to accept that."  Over and over the more I "tried" to speak HIS word, hoping, praying that I would somehow come to believe it, I found myself drowning in the ocean's of tears where I have been living since the worst day of my life that I survived on Monday, October 13, 2014.  

For days now I have journaled, cried, read, and sobbed that this journey, that is full of sorrow, sadness, pain, and anguish, is more than I could possibly bear.  Over and over I cried out to HIM, and begged HIM to please, please, please LORD take this pain from my chest, help me to breathe, help me to embrace, and accept that though YOUR plans are NOT mine, there is good in ALL of this that is hurting me, and that YOU are doing something amazing for my life, and my families life. Please LORD show me YOUR GLORY in ALL of this, give me something to cling to.......

The more I cried, the more I knew I was trying to control how HIS blessings would be poured over us and through us, and the more I realized that, the harder my days became, because as the more time passed that my heart was having to accept that my precious little sweet son was gone, the more real the pain had become.  

Thankfully HE loves me far too much to ever let me wander by myself, and has Faithfully held me, caught ALL of my tears, and helped me breathe through each and every sob, by flooding me with HIS peace, and drenching me with HIS grace.  Over and over HE spoke directly to my heart, 

"New Beginnings"

HIS Daily Teachings is HIM telling me once again that the journey that I am now on with HIM is that of New Beginnings.  HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how much I am hurting and suffering from the harsh and abrupt ending of my life with my son.  HE is telling me that while in my humanness all I can SEE is the massive loss that my family and I have had to suffer, HE is wanting me to know that my son's earthly death is really only just the beginning.  Over and over HE is speaking directly to my heart in letting me know that gone is the old, and this New Year that we have now entered into is HIS journey, HIS plan, HIS purpose for my life, to be lived out as HIS faithful messenger of HIS HOPE of beauty from ashes, that comes with a New Path, New life, FULL of New Beginnings.

Today HE is leading me deep into HIS word, in the book of Revelations that of which is a HUGE source of comfort to me, that HE truly does know, what I am needing, right when I need it.  Today HIS word is HIS message of HOPE that HE is giving to me as HIS precious gift of this New Year that HE promises to be FULL of New Beginnings.

"‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelations 21:4

HE is filling me with HIS Blessed Assurance that my tears are being seen, that my suffering, my mourning, my sorrow is known by HIM.  HE is wanting me to cling to HIS promises that ONE DAY all of my life, even the most excruciating parts will make sense to me.  HE is asking me to TRUST HIM, to know that HE loves me, and to BELIEVE that HIS power resides in me, and that through HIS HOLY SPIRIT, I can and will be able to persevere, as I conquer with HIM and through HIM this massive loss in  my life, that the enemy is preying and waiting....... hoping....... and wishing........will wipe me out, and wipe me off the face of this earth.  HIS message is coming in loud and clear to me today that I, Heather, am HIS, and I have been chosen to live this life for HIS purpose, that I CAN TRUST HIM that HE is indeed making ALL things work out for HIS good, and through me HE will be GLORIFIED, as my life's story, HIS story is that even when it hurts, HE is still good, and what happens when your worst day of your life occurs, you CAN, you WILL, and you DO survive.  ALL because HE loves me, HE has built me strong to withstand the deepest pain I have ever had to endure.  

"He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” Revelations 21:5

HIS good news for me today is this, while when reading HIS word, I "think" I have to wait for HIM to come back to live a life of New Beginnings HE is letting me know that, through HIM, through HIS HOLY SPIRIT, I can, and will live a life of New Beginnings.
HE is telling me that HE knows me so well, and knew that I would need to be able to read HIS word, so I could study HIS word, so that HIS word could soak in, and sink deep into my heart so that I would be able to understand what a life of New Beginnings means for me.

In both of my devotionals today HE spoke to me about New Beginnings.  In today's Power Thoughts, HE introduced to me a new saying, a new attitude of  I am, and with HIM and through HIM  I can.  HE is letting me know that new saying is imperative for me to NOT only know, but to speak so that I will be able to truly live this new journey that I am on of New Beginnings.

" Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" 2 Corinthians 5:17

I can't begin to tell you how much I struggle with this very thought, as though even though I know I am a new creation in CHRIST JESUS, I still struggle with falling back into old patterns, when really HE wants me to know, understand, and boldly declare, that I, Heather am a NEW CREATION in CHRIST JESUS. HE is telling me that it's time that I shout it, and scream it from the rooftops, that the old me, and I am now HIS NEW CREATION, and that means I am now on a journey of New Beginnings.

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you." Isaiah 26:3

HE is telling me that it is crucial to my FAITH that I, Heather, lean in and press deep into HIS word that HE is my refuge that in HIM and through HIM I can, and will find PEACE, perfect PEACE, that even when I can't hold my head up any longer, HE is there, holding me carrying me, and when I have received rest, HE will place me back on my feet, and that is when I will RUN with perseverance, and I won't shrink back.  That is when I will know that I am truly living as the Proverbs 31 woman does when it comes to NOT worrying about the future, that I can, and will laugh without fear of the future.  

""She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future." Proverbs 31:25

I can't begin to tell you how much I pray for that very thought, as right now there is a real sense of fear for mine and my families future.  To be honest I have begun to shrink back in my prayers, in fear of becoming more and more like JOB, as I have learned that in order to be HIS ambassador, I will have to, as I am already suffering for HIS good.  Not to say that HE did this to teach me anything, but HE allowed this to happen, because HE knew that when I began to seek HIM, that is when my journey towards wholeness would begin, and with each step that I took in HIS direction, the more irate, and angry the enemy became, and how a HUGE target was placed upon my back.  Thankfully HE has taken so much time to fill be me with Blessed Assurance that HE has my back, that HE is Sovereign, that HE is the Alpha and the Omega.  HE is the Beginning and the End, therefore I CAN TRUST and KNOW that HE is the GOD of New Beginnings.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry," James 1:19

"He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End." Revelations 21:6

Since losing my precious little love, anger has been trying to plant itself firmly into my heart. Bitterness, resentment, and jealousy have also "tried" to root themselves deep into my heart. It has been a HUGE battle to NOT give into the selfish ways of the flesh, but rather to walk by the SPIRIT.  I have had to choose daily to walk with HIM, and seek HIM so that through HIS HOLY SPIRIT I will be able to endure the battle, without giving into the flesh, and so that in everything I do, say, and think I will bring ALL praise, honor, and glory to HIM and HIS HOLY, MIGHTY, JUST, and RIGHT NAME!!!

This means that when one of my children does something that I have told them repeatedly NOT to do, I must be quick to listen to their reasoning, as just as I don't know everything in regards to my own life, neither do my children their for their own lives.  We are all learning, and the only way to really learn, and want to change to have a right attitude, and good attitude, is by having someone love us through it, and NOT just YELL us through it.  I have had to learn that sometimes it's not about me fixing what is broken, but rather seeking HIM to SEE what broke it in the first place, and it is in those times where I SEE my children, my family, my friends, the people WHOM HE has placed in my life through HIS eyes.

" I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

HIS word has truly become my lifeline these days, as there have been days where I wasn't even able to hold my head up, let alone take care of my family.  However, because HE loves me so much HE has let me know that HIS strength is there for me, to be poured into me, and through me so that with HIM I can, and will be able to do whatever it is that HE has called me to do.  I can tell you that lately I have often prayed for more strength, just to pray for more strength.  I can also tell you that HE answers every single of my prayers, and there has yet to be a time where I have fallen apart, broken apart, and stayed that way.  Over and over HE has lovingly held me in HIS arms, where I have fallen apart, and cried, sobbed, deep into HIS chest of the cruel and harsh reality that is now my life.

I can tell you that in my lifetime, NEVER have I EVER cried so much.  NEVER have I endured such tremendous pain.  NEVER have I EVER truly had a bad day that even begins to compare to the worst day of my life.  The BEST thing I CAN tell you though is this: NEVER have I EVER felt closer to HIM.  NEVER have I EVER  felt HIS deep love for me. NEVER have I EVER felt stronger in my FAITH.  NEVER have I EVER been able to speak HIS word with NOT only knowledge, but TRUE BELIEF, as HE truly is WHO HE says HE is, and HE does in fact DO what HE promises HE will DO!

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." Romans 8:37

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, this is just a small portion of HIS Daily Teachings today, just the Beginning of a journey of New Beginnings that HE is wanting me to share with you.  I pray today that my journey will give you HOPE and encouragement to know that HE is there with you, right in the midst of your sorrow, sadness, and pain.   HE is in the midst of the struggles you are having in your marriage, your job, whether its financially, or is threatening your health, ALL of it, HE is there.  HE is in the details my dear friends.  I pray for you to have courage to seek HIM, and allow HIM to transform and renew your heart, soul, and mind so that you will know that with HIM, through HIM, anything, and EVERYTHING is possible.  I pray that when you do, HE will pour is Favor and Blessings over your life, and you too will be able to live your life as HIS messenger of HOPE.

always, in love prayers,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 


  1. My beautiful sister in Christ, oh the lives you are touching by being so transparent about your grief. I can only glimpse a tiny piece of God's plan in my humanness and know with even what I understand that through HIM you will heal the world with your words. So many people will read your blog and know that they don't have to be strong. They don't have to hide their pain. HE is their refuge and light and the only thing they need in their time of sorrow. HIS plans for you are so big. HIS mercy is yours. I love you and am honored to know that you are my sister. Take all the time you need to grieve the loss of your precious baby. Take months. Take years. I know that through HIM you will find the peace you need. I love you.

  2. Hello this is Makena and Carmen. We have seen the many comments and messages that you continue to send to our mom. You are sadly mistaken. She is not depressed, we have seen her in a time of depression and this is not it. She has never said she is or will be depressed. She refuses to be depressed on top of her sadness. We are sorry you have struggled in your life and we thank you for caring. But we do not appreciate you using her blog for something it was not intended for. She has been there for us through it all despite losing Sethie. We encourage you to go back and read her blog to see how strong our mama is. She is our role model and has been so strong in her faith. We ask you to refrain from ever bringing this up again. Thank you