The hardest part in the struggle is knowing what HE is wanting me to do, but my humanness gets in the way of what I know I should be doing. Its almost as if though I'm constantly, continually questioning HIM saying, "really GOD, really I have to forgive this person? Are you serious? But what about what they did to me, what about what they said to me? " Over and over I struggle with forgiving, accepting, and embracing.
To be honest, the greatest struggle I have ever had is forgiving, accepting, and embracing that this is HIS will for my life. In saying Forgiving is by choosing to let go of my anger towards HIM, in knowing that HIS plans are always perfect, good, and loving. Even though my heart is so incredibly shattered, and broken, I know that one day I will be made whole. Accepting means that I am letting go surrendering my plans, and trusting, and waiting on HIM for HIS plans. Embracing that even though I don't agree with HIS plans, I know that HE loves me, and everything HE does HE does in love for me.
To be blunt, with HIS will I feel so incredibly, defeated, cheated, gypped, robbed, and stripped of my future with my son, my families future with our precious little one.... this struggle..... is so incredibly, horribly, unbearably....... unbelievably real.
I will tell you that this struggle of dealing with, living with this massive loss, has broken me open, and chipped away at every single ounce of FAITH that I have in HIM and for HIM. In losing my son, it has made me question every single thing that I have known to be true, and have TRUSTED to be TRUE to WHO HE is, has done, and will continue to do. Losing my little love...... has brought me to my knees in the deepest anguish I have ever been in, and drown me in the deepest ocean of tears that I have ever known. Never in my life have I ever had to hurt so immensely. Never in my life have I cried so hard that I felt as if though I would break in half. Never in my life have tears fell so readily and easily, to which I have had to consistently purchase tissues for my home, and my purse.
With all that being said, as I am on this journey of forgiving, accepting, and embracing, while I can forgive HIM, and let go of my anger, and accept, and embrace what HE is doing, has done, and will continue to do, I am unable to grasp the same concept when it comes to being hurt in the flesh. When my "feelings" are hurt, I either clam up, or I lash out. Lately I have been lashing out. As if though the whole world needs to know and understand this blinding pain that I am in.
I say things like, "people are so stupid with their stupid advice." This is my go to answer whenever I am being reminded that I shouldn't cry as my son is in HEAVEN with JESUS. This explanation, makes my blood boil. I know that I shouldn't be upset, but it's as if though the person saying that thinks that somehow their brilliance will give me some sort of PEACE that I haven't prayed for myself, or had prayed over me, and for me at least 10 million times. Though I don't say anything to the person, inside I am fuming. I am angry, and I think thoughts like, "oh he's in HEAVEN, oh well thank you captain obvious, thank goodness you are here to clear things up for me, as I was wondering if he was just floating around somewhere." Whenever I receive "advice" I cringe, and pray so hard that I won't respond in an unloving, dishonoring way.
There have been so many times where it has been said to our family that "GOD needed him, that's why he died. He is in HEAVEN with JESUS so you don't need to be sad, or cry." To which I want to nastily respond...... "Do you have children? Oh you do, do you love them? Do you enjoy spending time with them? Can you imagine what it would be like to go to bed the first night without your child, and to have to wake up the 1st time to a lifetime of NOT waking up to seeing your child? Oh no, well then why don't you just SHUT UP!!!!!" Thankfully, HE is working hard on me NOT to respond to the "help" that is given.
HIS Daily Teachings today is HIM helping me through the struggle. HE is letting me know that HE knows just how much I struggle to even get out of bed in the mornings, let alone interact, and speak to other people. HE is wanting me to know that during this current season of my life, that though the struggle is real, HE is there with me, and with HIM I NEVER have to struggle alone. HE is reminding me that the people who feel the need to respond aren't doing it maliciously, rather they are trying to help, and bring comfort, and peace to me in the only way that they know how. Never the less, even knowing that I am still finding myself in a daily struggle to forgive, accept, and embrace.
This blinding pain that I am walking in daily, is real, raw, confusing, exhausting, relentless, draining, and overwhelming. Every night that I fall into my bed I find myself in tears praising HIM and thanking HIM for helping me to survive another day. Afterwards I usually pass out from exhaustion and sleep all night, only to open my eyes in the early morning hours, and with my first thought being "he's gone, my precious little baby love is gone. Forever, on this side of the veil, life without him..... another day to face, to forgive, to accept, and to embrace. Another day to struggle.... oh LORD JESUS come, please come."
This past year HE has really been working hard on my heart to SEE people as HE SEES them. This means that I am to look past offenses, and hurts placed on me by them, in knowing that they are NOT perfect, and are flawed just as I, Heather, am NOT perfect, and have many flaws. HE is working hard on my heart to SEE the ugliness that has been "trying" to take up permanent residency once again in my heart, by showing me that my heart is NOT clean with it comes to dealing with, speaking to, or even acknowledging the difficult people in my life.
Lately whenever the struggle becomes overwhelming I find myself saying, "oh GOD this life, is too hard, its too much, and I'm so weary and so sick and tired of always having to forgive, accept, and embrace. " To which HE responds
"Heather, never have I EVER left you, nor have I EVER forsaken you. I am with you always. I am always holding you, and helping you. Don't you know that I know each of the tears that fall down your cheek? Don't you know how much I love you that I know the blinding pain that you feel? Don't you know that when you struggle to swallow down the lump in your throat, don't you know that I know about even that? I know everything there is to know about you, even things that you don't think to know about you, I know them. I created you, on purpose for my purpose. I love you, and if you trust me, I will show you, and tell you of my perfect plans for your life. Do you trust me?"
It's honestly embarrassing to me that HE is asking me to write about the ugliness within, but because I have agreed to always be transparent as the writer of HIS Daily Teachings I know it is imperative to NEVER paint myself in this perfect light. As I am only going to made perfect in HIM when I go to HEAVEN. While here on Earth, I will always and forever be flawed, and that is so I will always NEED HIM.
HE is reminding me that I must always keep my eyes open to hearing HIS whispers, so that I will heed HIS whispers. HE is reminding me once again that HIS plans are perfect for my life. HE is wanting me to know that HE knows I have been, and am making plans for myself, and that is okay, as that is WHY HE gave me free will. However what HE is wanting me to understand is that in making my plans, HE is asking me to submit them to HIM, and let HIM show me if my plans are good for me, and if they are not, allow HIM to teach, lead, and guide me so that my plans will align with HIS plans.
This means I have to start seeking HIM and ask HIM to create in me a clean heart for difficult people. To allow HIM to fill me with HIS love and grace so that it oozes out of my for every single person that my eyes SEE. HE is telling me that everywhere I go when people SEE me they should be SEEING HIM. HE is wanting me to know that the struggle that I am currently living with will only flee when I seek HIM, trust HIM, and allow HIM to show me, to lead me, to teach me, and to guide me, so that I will be living according to HIS purpose, according to HIS plans, and HIS will for my life, that are NOT about me, rather they are about HIM, and making sure that HE gets all the glory, and I in return for my obedience get to be on the receiving end of HIS amazing blessings.
"You asked, ‘Who this that obscures s without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did understand, things too wonderful for me to know." Job 42:3
HE is taking me straight into HIS word this morning and showing me what I am to do during the struggle.
"in all your ways submit to him,
HE is telling me that in submitting to HIM that is when I will SEE all that HE has in store for me. I know that through my obedience to HIM from previous tests, trials, and storms this is true, I just need to get out of HIS way, and allow HIS way to take the place of my way.
HE is telling me that HE knows and understands WHY I struggle so much to embrace, and accept HIS plans for my life, as it is impossible in my human brain to know and understand WHY HE does what HE does. Once again HE is reminding me that HIS plans are NOT my plans, HIS ways, are NOT my way.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,declares the . Isaiah 55:8
My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, it is my prayer that through reading my transparency of the ugliness that is trying to take up permanent residence in my heart, will be an encouragement to you, to know that you are NOT alone in your own struggle. It is my prayer that you will read this portion of my story, and be able to SEE and know that just as HE is with me, HE is with you also. That HE has searched for you and found you, and is waiting for you to open your heart to SEE HIM. I pray that today is the day that you decided to open your heart to HIM, and let HIM release you of the deep pain and anguish that you are suffering with. I pray today that you will know that with HIM you are NEVER alone, HE will help you as HE loves you and wants ONLY the best for your life. I pray today that through your obedience to HIM, you will receive HIS blessing of relief in your broken, weary, and aching, heart and soul.
Always in love and prayers, with much grace, compassion, and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,