Monday, January 12, 2015


Yesterday was full of conversations with people of "how are you doing? I don't know how you are doing it...."  Over and over I had almost the same conversation with people, and for the first time since the worst day of my life happened, I didn't dread them asking, and could answer them with true confidence that I am doing well.  It was almost a relief that I could give them happy news yesterday, instead of oceans of tears just at the mere mention of how are you?  Yesterday was different, I was different, I felt different, and it was different.   Yesterday is the day that I chose to live.

To be honest since losing my precious little one, I have thought about how in the world am I ever going to be able to live through this nightmare?  How am I ever going to SEE HIS JOY again?  How am I going to ever be able to smile again?  Over and over the questions flowed through my mind, and through HIS love, HE was there, meeting me to capture me in HIS embrace, to bring me close to HIM, to speak straight to my heart, by telling me 

"My precious daughter you just need to live....."

HIS Daily Teachings today actually began yesterday afternoon while at lunch with D and my oldest daughter.  My daughter and I were talking about the dreaded questions that people ask, and the things that they say, because they "feel" as if though they need to say something insightful, full of wisdom, as if someone it would just help us SEE in someway that what has happened to our family..... our shattered hearts, well it's all going to be okay..... Over and over we have had to endure countless people try and explain, and because HE loves us, gives us grace to NOT be angry with them, but rather thankful that they love us enough to try and help us, because they love and care for us so much.

One of the things that my daughter said yesterday really struck a chord with me about answering people, and how she felt in learning that her little brother went home to be with JESUS on the afternoon of Monday, October 13, 2014 at 4 p.m.  She shared with me her first initial thoughts, after the most excruciating sorrow, sadness, pain, and anguish came pouring out of each and everyone of us.  We talked about what it was like to hear us all sobbing, the sounds, forever imprinted in our minds, in our ears, in our hearts..... the tears that fell that day into oceans that flooded our home, the deep sounds of the heaviest anguish any of us had ever experienced.... it changed us, challenged us, and we all now know and understand that we will NEVER be the same, as we know that we have been called to just...... live with it.

In hearing her share her own experience with grief, my Mama heart sunk, as everything I had felt, she did too, and just thinking about her hurting in that way, just breaks my heart.  As I sat there listening to her talk about the things she realized that very first night of our families massive loss, one thing that really stood out to me was though you may not understand it, or want it, here it is and you have to live with it.

Last night D, myself and our oldest daughter went to worship night at our church, and again the questions were being asked, and this time, because of thinking all afternoon about my conversation with my daughter I was able to say, "well I have two choices I can either live with HIS TRUE JOY, or I can choose to live miserably.  As soon as I said it, I was astonished, as that is NOT something I would have thought of on my own, however since I know that HIS HOLY SPIRIT resides FAITHFULLY in me, I know that the answer came straight through HIM teaching, leading, and guiding me.

As soon as I got out of bed this morning, I headed down to my office to pen my thoughts about how I felt about what came out of my mouth last night.  I poured my heart out to HIM about  thinking about how to live.... I now know that I truly do desire to live with HIS TRUE JOY.  In knowing my heart, and what I was thinking, even before I formed my thoughts, HE met me with HIS amazing grace, and flooded me with overwhelming peace, and spoke straight to my heart about how to live with HIS TRUE JOY.

HE is telling me that HE has always intended for me to SEE past the sorrow, sadness, and pain, so that I would be able to taste and SEE that HE is good ALL of the time!  

"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him." Psalm 34:8

This morning HE began to pour HIS truth once again into me, reminding me of HIS continual, unending, unfailing promises to me, for me, so that I when I would SEEK HIM I would find HIM, and HE would show me how to live with HIS TRUE JOY.  It was through both of my devotionals this morning that HIS word was poured into me,  and through me, so that it would now be able to flow out of me to write today's blog post.

HE is letting me know once again that HIS grace and peace are in me, and that HE will continue to speak HIS truth straight to my heart, to ensure that I will always know that HE is with me.  HE is letting me know that even though the world may NOT agree, HIS truth for me is that HE is ALL I need.  HE is wanting me to know that it doesn't matter what the circumstances may be in my life, that HE will fill me with HIS Blessed Assurance that HE is there, always, waiting for me to seek HIM and ask HIM for HIS help.

" But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

"The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." Psalm 145:18

"Teach me your way, Lord,  that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name." Psalm 86:11

HE is reminding me once again that HE is my refuge, and my strong tower.  HE is wanting me to always remember that this means, that whenever my life's circumstances become unbearable, overwhelming, and ends up shattering my world...... all I have to do is RUN straight to HIS arms, and HE will hold me.  Even if I don't have the courage, or strength to RUN, all I have to do is call out HIS name, JESUS, and HE will be there to rescue me.   HE is wanting me to always know and understand that HE truly does hear every single one of my cries for help.  

"The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;  my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,  my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." Psalm 18:2

"Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:8

" will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,  my God, in whom I trust.” Psalm 91:2

"You are my refuge and my shield;  I have put my hope in your word." Psalm 119:114

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging." Psalm 46:1-3

"The name of the Lord is a fortified tower; the righteous run to it and are safe." Proverbs 18:10

Okay I'm just sitting here trying to soak in ALL of HIS word that HE has so lovingly poured out for me to study, soak in, meditate on, all HIS gift to me, for me, so that I would be able to know and understand how I am able to live this life that I have been blessed with with HIS TRUE JOY.

HE is wanting me to know that when I choose to live according to HIS will, HIS plan, HIS purpose for my life, that is how I will know that I am choosing to live with HIS TRUE JOY.  HE is telling me that choosing to live with HIS TRUE JOY means that I live with a great expectancy that an endless supply of HIS glory,  HIS favor and HIS blessings will be poured over me and out for me all of the time.  This is not to say like in money or any monetary value, as HIS love, HIS grace, HIS comfort, HIS peace, being in RIGHT STANDING with HIM is far more valuable than any riches of this world.  

"Surely you have granted him unending blessings and made him glad with the joy of your presence." Psalm 21:6

"Blessings crown the head of the righteous, but violence overwhelms the mouth of the wicked." Proverbs 10:6

"The Lord bless you and keep you;  the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.” Numbers 6:24-26

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith,we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:1-5

"Better the little that the righteous have than the wealth of many wicked" Psalm 37:16

HE is reminding me once again that HIS strength is being poured into me as a steady and constant stream, so that I will be able to live my life with HIS TRUE JOY.  HE is wanting me to know how weary, and weak I have become since having to let go of my precious little one.  HE is telling me that HE knows how badly I have been hurting, and how hard it has been for me to get back on my feet in my role as Mama, as I feel as though I am forgetting about my sweet baby love.  Not only that I am forgetting him,but sometimes I cry when I think about him, as it's been thirteen long excruciating weeks since I last held him, and tomorrow marks three months since he was called home.   HE is wanting me to know that HE will always be there to pour HIS strength into me, even if its just more strength to ask for more strength.  HE is promising me that HE will always be there to help me in each and every step I take.  HE is wanting me to lean in, and press deep into my FAITH and TRUST in HIM that HE will always be there, and in knowing that I will be able to live with HIS TRUE JOY.

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." Isaiah 40:29

"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

 HE is wanting me to remember that whenever I am unsure of how I am going to remember all of HIS promises, all I have to remember is that HIS GIFT of HIS HOLY SPIRIT resides in me, and HE will continue to teach, lead, and guide me to each and every one of HIS promises that HE has given to me.  HE is telling me that NEVER do I have to worry or wonder how or when I will survive, or how I will be able to live with HIS TRUE JOY, as HE will always be there to SHINE HIS LIGHT for me to LIGHT the path on which I am to walk.

"But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you." John 14:26

"Remember your word to your servant,  for you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life." Psalm 119:49-50

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him." Psalm 28:7

"For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ." 2 Corinthians 4:6

"When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world.Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12

"Your word is a lamp for my feet,  a light on my path." Psalm 119:105

"For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness,righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord.  Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.  It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret.  But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.  This is why it is said:
“Wake up, sleeper,
    rise from the dead,
    and Christ will shine on you." Ephesians 5:8-14
Once again HE is reminding me to lean in to press deep into my FAITH in HIM, that is FILLED with HIS HOPE, that is the ANCHOR to my soul.  HE is telling me that when I hold fast to HIS ANCHOR OF HOPE that is how I will be able to live with HIS TRUE JOY, as it won't matter what happens in this life, its ALL about what's waiting for me in the next life, and that so much sweet in one moments time than a lifetime of goodness here in this lifetime.  For that am so incredibly grateful and thankful, and now because of my precious little one WHO is waiting for me to meet him on the bridge into forever, I have HIS constant reminder of WHO HE is, WHO I am, WHO I am called to be ALL because of WHOSE I am, because I know fully know and understand that my purpose, HIS purpose for my life, was to learn, discover, uncover, reveal, HIS great LOVE for me.  To NOT only know but to experience live with  HIS TRUE JOY that is filled with HIS unfailing, unending, unconditional, relentless LOVE for me.

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure" Hebrews 6:19

"But now, Lord, what do I look for?  My hope is in you." Psalm 39:7

"In you, Lord my God, I put my trust. I trust in you; do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame, but shame will come on those who are treacherous without cause. Show me your ways, Lord,  teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Remember, Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old. Do not remember the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me,  for you, Lord, are good. Good and upright is The Lord  therefore he instructs sinners in his ways. He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way. All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful  toward those who keep the demands of his covenant. For the sake of your name, Lord, forgive my iniquity, though it is great. Who, then, are those who fear the Lord? He will instruct them in the ways they should choose. They will spend their days in prosperity, and their descendants will inherit the land. The Lord confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them. My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare. Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish. Look on my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins. See how numerous are my enemies  and how fiercely they hate me! Guard my life and rescue me; do not let me be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope, Lord, is in you. Deliver Israel, O God,  from all their troubles!" Psalm 25

My final thought today is this, double blessings have continued.  Since the loss of my precious son, I had been praying for the LORD to please bless D and I with new bedding for our room, as our bedding made me very angry, and I wasn't sleeping well at all.  However, I knew that I needed to wait till Christmas and if I was blessed with the gift of money then I would be able to buy it.  I prayed specifically the color and the style of bedding I wanted.  I described in detail what I was looking for. It was on December 26, 2014 that the LORD answered my prayer and had blessed me with enough Christmas money to purchase new bedding.  The hunt was on, and every store I went into I found something sort of like what I wanted, however if I bought any of it I would have been settling, and in most cases going above and beyond my budget.  In my desire to stay true to what would keep me in right standing with HIM to receive HIS blessing just as HE intended, I walked away.  It was in the final store that I walked into that day that my prayers were answered.  It was there I found exactly what I had described in detail to HIM in my prayers.  NOT surprised at all that HE would answer me so specifically as HE loves showing me how HE is truly in the details.  The very next day I received a card in the mail, and in it was another gift card, and with that I was able to purchase new pillows for our bed.  Since December 26, 2014 I have experienced the most peaceful deep restful sleep I have since the day my precious little love went home to be with JESUS.

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, oh friends if I could tell you just one thing about how much HE loves each and everyone of us is this:  It is my constant fervent prayer that you will take up the courage to SEEK HIM and find HIM, and let HIM reveal to you, to shower you, to pour into you, to drench you in HIS amazing love and grace!  Oh friends, if you were to experience that, how life changing it will be for you!  If you have experienced HIS amazing love and grace, I am REJOICING with you my beautiful friends!!!  Our FATHER in HEAVEN truly and surely does indeed LOVE us, and HE is most definitely in the details to teach us, lead us, and guide us through the tests, storms, and trials of our lives so that we will be more than conquerors to live this life with HIS TRUE JOY.  Dear friends, I pray today that your prayers are answered, and that you will come to know our LORD and SAVIOR WHO is there, waiting.... for you to open your heart, and let HIM fill it with HIS love, to shatter the darkness that has filled you with HIS LIGHT!!!  

always in prayers and much love, with grace, compassion, peace, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

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