Sunday, January 18, 2015

let it hurt

It wasn't just one thing that happened this last week that left me in its dust, crying, broken, and "feeling" so utterly and completely alone.  It wasn't that I had to be reminded that my precious little one is no longer with me, my broken, and aching heart tells me that with every breath that I take.  The sorrow, sadness, anguish, and pain that I feel is constant. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel completely content, and at peace about my life, and with my life. Sometimes I wonder if I will feel okay again.......

This past week I have been brought to my knees as my life is just so incredibly hard..... tears have found me, and followed me everywhere I went this week.  Last night I had reached my breaking point, and that is when I broke down.  I cried out to HIM how hard life is, how much I hurt, how I am so overwhelmed, exhausted, and drained I am from grieving and mourning the loss of my precious little love.  Last night I was so incredibly broken, torn up, and emotionally spent, that all I could do was just let the oceans of tears sweep me far from the shore of where I long to be.

As I sat down to journal, and soak in HIS word this morning, I silently said a prayer asking HIM to please come, let me know HE's there, so that I could feel and SEE beyond this blinding pain that I am in.  Not really trusting or thinking that HE would meet me right where I was, I began to read one of my devotionals, and that is when I heard HIM speak straight to my heart.

"Lord, you have seen this; do not be silent. Do not be far from me, Lord." Psalm 35:22

HIS Daily Teachings today is HIM letting me know that HE KNOWS....... about everything..... HE is letting me know that HE knows of my sorrow in knowing that the oceans of tears that I cry fill me constant despair that I am once again being swept out to sea.  HE is telling me that the only way back to shore is to let it hurt.  

HE is wanting me to know that the only way to survive this massive loss in my life, is to go through it, and NOT around it, under it, or over it.   HE is telling me that through it, means when the sorrow, sadness, pain, anguish, and tears find me, all I can do is let it hurt.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." James 1:2-3

In meeting me right where I am today, HE is letting me know that HE SEE's me, and HE loves me.  HE is wanting me to know that HE SEE's each of my tears that fall, and HE knows about the lump in my throat that I get whenever I SEE something that reminds me of my precious little love, and what I HOPE and long for, that is to never be again........... that very thought just consumes me, breaks me, and brings me to my knees...... every.....single.....time.

HE is wanting me to know how much I struggle to even hold my head up at times.  HE is telling me that HE is with me when I struggle with the daunting task of facing another day, living through another day, the mere thought of having to survive another day..... knowing this sorrow is lurking..... how it breaks me...... HE knows......

HE is letting me know that try as I might in seeking HIS perspective my humanness gets in the way, and instead of looking at each day as HIS precious gift to me, to live and walk in HIS light, with HIS HOPE, I forget all of that in the blinding pain that I feel and instead all I can SEE is that another day in this life, living without my precious little one is unbearable, and daunting.  

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

HE is wanting me to know that HE is there, IN ALL OF IT.  All I have to do is let it hurt when I find myself in an ocean of tears and let it sweep me out to sea, away from the shore that I long for an easy, comfortable, peaceful, restful, happy existence.

The mere thought of a glorious future overwhelms my heart with endless questions as to how can I even think that way, or ever think that I could possibly live a life knowing, trusting, that a glorious future has been planned, written specifically, beautifully, and purposefully for me.  

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"God made everything with a place and purpose; even the wicked are included—but for judgment." Proverbs 16:4 The Message Bible

"For you created my inmost being;  you knit me together in my mother’s womb." Psalm 139:13 NIV

"Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother’s womb.I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made!  I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I’d even lived one day." Psalm 139:13 The Message Bible 

HE is telling me that HE is there, and knows and hears every single one of my questions, and is wanting me to know that the only way I will know HIS answer is to let it hurt.  To my surprise as I penned my thoughts HE spoke straight to my heart and said,  

"My precious daughter ~ I know all about the twinges of pain you have in your heart, whenever you hear about another two year old birthday party.  I know how deep it cuts you leaving you with horrendous pain, as NOT being able to celebrate your son's birthday with him is the most painful reminder that you have."

HE is telling me that HE knows all about how I feel robbed, cheated, defeated, gypped, and stripped from the happiness that I so desperately long for.  How the time for precious moments with my son, to make precious memories is over.   How my son's things are here, and he is not, and that hurts me, as I want him here with his things.... how it cuts so incredibly deep that I loved being his Mama, and how I would give anything to be his Mama in this life once again.   HE knows...... and HE is telling me that the only way through this blinding pain is to let it hurt.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

"Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope." 1 Thessalonians 4:13

HE is wanting me to remember that if ever I feel alone, all I have to do is look up and SEE HIS light.  HE is filling me with HIS promises that HE will always be there.  That no matter how far I am swept out to sea, HE is there, holding me, and won't let me go.  HE is promising me that HE will NEVER leave me nor will HE ever forsake me.  HE is telling me HE knows about how much I am struggling these days to be strong, courageous, and brave.  

" Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

HE is reminding me of a beautiful testimony I heard this past week about how sometimes being brave means to just stand.  Stand firm, hold fast, and TRUST that HE has everything worked out, HE is in the details, and HE will fight for me, I need only to be still.

Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place" Ephesians 6:14

" You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you." 2 Chronicles 20:17

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him,and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

HE is telling me that in standing, I will SEE HIS light, shining for me, as HIS message of HOPE, to cling to my faith which is truly the anchor to my broken, and weary soul.   HE is wanting me to know that while I am standing, HE is fighting for me, and I need only to wait a little while, and relief, peace, and grace will wash over me.  

"Yet I am writing you a new command; its truth is seen in him and in you, because the darkness is passing and the true light is already shining." 1 John 2:8

"weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

Today I am being refilled and renewed with HIS HOPE, that just by being in HIS presence in  my emotions, in choosing to let it hurt, I am being filled with HIS Blessed Assurance, that I am HIS, and HE is mine.  In knowing that, I know that I can face another day, and I can press even further into my FAITH in HIM, and TRUST in knowing and BELIEVING that HE is INDEED in the details, and that my glorious future awaits.

"But now, Lord, what do I look for?  My hope is in you." Psalm 39:7

Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him" Psalm 62:5

"Show me your ways, Lord,  teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me,  for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." Psalm 25:4-5

"You make known to me the path of life;  you will fill me with joy in your presence,  with eternal pleasures at your right hand." Psalm 16:11

HE is wanting me to know that HE doesn't want me to shrink back, or try to hide my face from HIM just because I fear that my thoughts that are filled with hateful, bitter, angry, spiteful, will ANGER HIM at me that is.  HE is telling me that I need NEVER to fear of telling HIM how I feel, as HE already knows how I feel, as HE is the ONE WHO created me to have emotions.   HE is telling me that HE is waiting for me admit to HIM how I feel, so that HE can speak HIS truth and wash away the lies that are keeping me from SEEING HIS light from clinging to HIS HOPE that HE truly does having everything worked out for my good.

"But my righteous one will live by faith. And I take no pleasure  in the one who shrinks back.”  But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved." Hebrews 10:38-39

"Who can hide in secret places so that I cannot see them?" declares the Lord.   

"Do not I fill heaven and earth?" declares the Lord." Jeremiah 23:24

As I finishing typing out today's blog, I can now SEE HIS light once again, SHINING BRIGHT for me, to light my way.   I can SEE that even though darkness is lurking HE is there, and HIS presence is EVER strong, and with HIM, through HIM, I can do anything, I can survive anything, and with HIM I will persevere, conquer and LIVE to speak HIS words, HIS truth, to speak life, and NOT death, to share HIS message of HOPE with the masses.  Through my HOPE, FAITH, and TRUST in HIM, I am HIS living vessel as HIS ambassador for this broken and fallen world.  I know that I was created on purpose for HIS purpose to shout it, and scream it to this world that HE is LORD, HE is our SAVIOR, HE has come to RESCUE each of us, and HE longs for each of us to know HIM.  Forever I will shout HIS love to reach the last, the least, and the lost.

"The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." Psalm 145:18

"But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds." Psalm 73-28

" And may these words of mine, which I have prayed before the Lord, be near to the Lord our God day and night, that he may uphold the cause of his servant and the cause of his people Israel according to each day’s need" 1 Kings 8:59

" For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.” Luke 19:10

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, if I could pray for anything for you today would be this.  That you would being to "think" about what you are thinking about.  That you will align your thoughts to HIS word, so that you too will be able to speak life, where death is ravaging this broken and fallen world.  I pray today that if you too are finding yourself being filled with despair, that you will reach up, and look up, and SEE HIS light shining for you in the midst of the darkness that is threatening to overcome you.  I pray today that you will lean in, and press into HIM, and know that HE is fighting for you always.  I pray that if sorrow, sadness, and pain, are a part of your life, that you will seek HIM, rest safely in HIS loving arms, and let it hurt...... I pray that when you do, HE will fill you with HIS love, and pour HIS favor and Blessings over you, in you and through you.

always in prayer and love, with grace, and compassion,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

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