Just thinking about my testimony brought tears to my eyes, as I was so completely wrapped up in the pain of it all, that I was blind to HIS blessings in disguise through it all. For years I walked in darkness with HIM NOT knowing or even realizing that HIS light was SHINING for me all along. It wasn't until the day that I fully surrendered ALL of me where I found myself on my knees crying out to HIM that I needed HIM, in every single area of my life.
For what seemed like forever I cried out to HIM that I was a failure..... as HIS daughter, as I didn't hardly ever do anything I knew was right...... as D's wife, I cringe when I think about how much I wasn't the wife to D that HE has always intended for me to be....... as Mama to my precious five, never have I ever felt more low in my life than to when I have to speak of WHO I was then to them...... as Daughter to my parents, and in-laws....... as Friend to many, or I should say shallow friend......
Finally after about an hour of gut-wrenching tears, I stood up, washed my face, and got ready for date-night with D. That night we went out and had a really nice dinner. Afterwards like any other couple with multiple children do, we found ourselves shopping at Walmart. It was there that HE would lead me directly to HIS word, that I would use every single morning since May 25, 2013. A day that my journey truly first began with HIM.
I have always written a journal for most of my life, however it wasn't until that day that I began to journal ALL of my thoughts to HIM, and really began to understand that my writing wasn't me just blurting out every thought that was in my head, but rather was an amazing opportunity to connect with HIM, as I was being intentional in putting HIM first.
The very first book that HE introduced me to was "Power Thoughts" by Joyce Meyer. It was through this book that HE spoke straight to my heart about the utmost importance to think positive thoughts. Each day HE would work in me and through me to change the way I would allow myself to think about what I was thinking about. In seeking accountability for myself, I began to write out my thoughts of what each day's Power Thought meant in my life, and afterwards I would sit back and be amazed by how many people responded.
I wasn't into a month's worth of reading, when HE placed heavy on my heart, through HIS words spoken by other FAITHFUL followers that I should write a blog. I remember the feelings of sheer panic and fear that came over me, as I struggled to comprehend how I could ever write a blog. After all my college English professor let me know under NO certain terms would I EVER be a writer. That was the first of many LIES that HE would destroy in my life.
"Guide me in your and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long" Psalm 25:5
"Then you will know the , and the will set you free.” John 8:32
I remember sitting down and writing out the first post, unsure of what I was going to say, however HE knew exactly what I was going to say and HE made sure I heard HIM through HIS HOLY SPIRIT. I remember how amazing it felt to just sit there, as the words poured into my mind, like a steady stream of knowledge. It was if though I had tapped into HIS living water, HIS word without anyone telling me what to write about. It was the first time I would ever experience HIM teaching, leading, and guiding me.
"But the Advocate, the , whom the Father will send in my name, will you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you." John 14:26
Since June 15, 2013 I have now written through the teaching, leading, and guiding of HIS HOLY SPIRIT 308 posts. HIS Daily Teachings is now being read in 53 different countries, and is up over 15,000 views. It is astonishing to me daily whenever I logged onto my computer and SEE the days stats. HE however is NOT surprised as HE is the AUTHOR of HIS Daily Teachings, and HE planned for me to be the writer all along.
When I first began to journal what was on my heart today, I had a hard time focusing. I found myself reading through social media, and staring off into space. After about ten minutes of complete disconnect, I could sense HE wanted me to write about how I was feeling in regards to facing another day without my son. HE was encouraging me to share with HIM how I was feeling, even though HE already knew how I was feeling, HE was just waiting for me to admit to how I was feeling.
As soon as I put my pen to my journal, my thoughts flowed freely from my mind...... "LORD JESUS, getting over this shock.... getting through this shock...... that my sweet baby love is no longer here..... has been so incredibly hard........ I miss him terribly......." I have said that losing him was not the hardest thing, as we lost him in a moments time, however missing him............ well that is forever..... that is at least until we are called HOME and are reunited with him.
Knowing full well what I was needing HE didn't waste anytime getting right to the matters of my heart, and speaking directly to how and what I am supposed to do now. HIS Daily Teachings today is taking me back to when I first realized, and chose to seek HIM, to SEE HIM first in every single area of my life. HE is letting me know that it has always been HIS intention for me to understand how my priorities need to be. HE is wanting me to know that the way I "think" they should be actually don't really include HIM, even though I "think" they do.
HE is wanting me to know that my priorities aren't to be HIM first, then my husband, my children, my family, and friends. HE is telling me that it isn't about me getting up early every morning to speak to HIM first, although HE loves that I enjoy doing that. HE is wanting me to know and understand that it's not about what I do first, but rather WHO I think about first in every single situation and relationship I am in. HE is telling me that it's NOT about putting HIM first, but rather seeking HIM first so that the first thing I will SEE is each and every situation through HIS Eyes.
HE is letting me know this is WHY HE has placed so heavily on my heart this saying:
"New Year of New Perspective for New Beginnings."
HE is telling me that in order for HIM to be truly first I must first seek HIM, and ask what HE is doing, how HIS Kingdom is at work in the situation I am SEEING, and then ask HIM how I, Heather, HIS servant can be apart of HIS Kingdom and what HE is doing. I am learning that it doesn't matter how much time I spend in HIS word, or spend writing the blog. What matters is do I have a heart after GOD, do I have desire to SEE people as HE SEE's them? Do I seek HIS perspective? Do I push my own agenda? Do I make assumptions without even caring about HIS truth? Do I???
What I do know is this :
~ HE has created in me a HUGE desire to walk DAILY with HIM
~ HE wants me to spend more time with HIM because I love HIM, NOT because I "feel" like its the right thing to do. NOT out of obligation, but love, because HE loves me
~ HE wants me to SEE people through HIS eyes, so that I will be doing HIS good works that HE has been so lovingly teaching, leading, and guiding me to know and understand so that I can be apart of HIS Kingdom
~ HE wants me to know that HIS JOY, my TRUE JOY is found only in HIM, and that I can search ALL my life, and never know TRUE JOY if I don't know HIM
~ HE wants me to know that knowing HIS word means nothing if I am NOT willing to speak HIS word, or live HIS word
~ HE wants me to remember in the times where I feel alone, abandoned and helpless, that HE SEE's me and knows exactly how I feel
~ HE wants me to remember that I was created on purpose, for HIS purpose, that HE knew then and knows now how hard life has been, and still is for me
~ HE wants me to remember that HE is always there
~ HE wants me to remember that HIS HOPE is there for me to SEE when I lean in, and press into my FAITH in HIM
"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure" Hebrews 6:19
HE is telling me that the reason that I know ALL of these things is because of my decision to put HIM first. HE is taking me back to the beginning of where my breakthrough began and is showing me how each thing that HE has taught me, has led up to this moment where it is imperative that I know and understand that HE wants to be, needs to be first in my thoughts in every single situation I encounter.
"May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ."
1 Thessalonians 5:23
Since the worst day of my life, it has become extremely apparent that I am to seek HIM in everything that I say, think, and do, to ensure that each and every single area of my life lines up with HIS word. Through HIS Daily Teachings HE is taking all that is of which unholy out of me so that I will be made HOLY through HIM. I can tell you that this is truly what is happening to me, as in each and every situation as soon as I begin to react in a negative way, HE captures my heart, and my attention, and when I'm willing HIS grace flows into me through me, and out of me for whatever is causing my negative reaction.
However, since I have so willing admitted many times before that I am a sloooooow learner, there is this annoying humanness in me, that keeps me from doing things according to HIS will, and it becomes more about my agenda, my will, my feelings..... ugh..... more about me, and less about HIM, when it has become my greatest hearts cry for my life to be MORE about HIM, and LESS about me.
"He must become greater; I must become less.” John 3:30
Today I am deeply comforted in knowing that I don't have to have ALL the answers to my life's problems. I am thankful to know that my life has already been written so beautifully, specifically, and perfectly according to HIS will, HIS plan, and HIS purpose, all for me to be HIS light, to SHINE HIS glory in this dark and broken world.