Wednesday, July 24, 2013


I was born to an emotional time bomb.  I never knew what she was going to do next.  I lived in fear for the few short years that I lived with her.  Most of my memories of my birth-mother are of abuse, crying, screaming, and blame.  So often she would blame myself or my brother for her circumstances.  She would feel justified in her actions based upon what was happening n her life.  She didn't know how to control her emotions, therefore we were her release for anger about everything in her life.

I remember one night at dinner she made spinach, from a can.  I remember her putting it on our plates and how we shuddered at the mere sight of it.  We both sat there picking at it with our forks, and though I don't remember who's idea it was, we began to fling it onto the ceiling.  Before long we were laughing, and she heard us, and when she walked in and saw what we had done she flew into a rage.  I remember she attacked my brother first.  She broke one of our dining room chairs over his backside.  I remember him crying, and telling me to "run."  Only I didn't get away fast enough she grabbed the metal broom and began beating me over the head with it.  I don't remember exactly how many times she hit me, but I do remember climbing the stairs to my bedroom and my head running along the wall.  I remember watching the blood drip down the wall, and her saying, "I am so sorry baby, Mommy is so sorry, but you were awful and how could you, Mommy is so sorry Amber."

As quickly as she had allowed herself to fly into an emotional rage and attacked the both of us, it was over.  Left in the dust were my brother and I, abused, bruised, crying, bleeding, and hurting.  I spent the next year of my life "trying" my best to be a "good" girl and not to upset her.  However in my being little, I had needs, and sometimes I "needed" her help.  Many times in seeking her "help" I was punished for being so "needy."  I was always told, "How dare you interrupt me and my time."  I have many scares on my body from all of the times that I dared to "interrupt" her.

I am now 35 years old and a Mama to five beautiful children of my own.  I have 3 daughters who were all pretty easy to raise, and didn't give me too much of a challenge.  However, my son who is 4 is my greatest challenge.  My son can go from 0-80 in a fit of rage over the smallest thing.  When he is angry he lashes out, and will pick up the nearest thing and will throw it at the person who has offended him.  This occurs on a daily basis in our home.  So often I am the target of his rage, and I often find myself being left in the dust of his rage.  He just like my birth-mom is very remorseful right after exploding, but the damage has already been done.  I struggle with my own feelings of anger, and not wanting to "teach" him a lesson.  I struggle with not wanting to hurt him back for the pain he has inflicted on me and his siblings.

I know that in order to "train" him up right I must control my anger, so it does NOT control me.  I know that when I feel as if though I am going to "lose" it I must remove myself from the situation.  I must seek HIS help and pray for HIS guidance.  GOD is teaching me by allowing me to go through this with my son, what I should have had all along in my life from the people who "loved" me as that is unconditional love.

I know that in my life GOD allows people to irritate me so that HE will strengthen my faith in HIM, and I will learn what unconditional love really means.  I know that GOD wants me to get a hold of my anger and bring it to HIM as nothing good comes from hanging onto my anger.

"Anger criticizes, withdraws, ridicules, humiliates, despises, teases, and puts down; it disrespects, rebels, and may even turn around and take the role of victim."

I know that if I am not careful I will find myself irritated by the slightest inconvenience  because of the way I was raised.  Therefore I must do what HE says in the bible in the way of dealing with my anger.

“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold." Ephesians 4:26-27

I know that just because I may feel justified in being angry, there is absolutely NO excuse to inflict harm on anyone whether it is through my words or my actions.  Nor is there EVER an excuse to feel hatred toward someone.  "Nothing justifies an attitude of hatred."  GOD wants me to know that HE will bring justice where justice is due.  I need not to worry about it.  Rather I must trust HIM and HIS timing, and that HE will equip me to deal with things as they come.  I must choose self-control when someone has hurt me.

"Better a patient person than a warrior,one with self-control than one who takes a city." Proverbs 16:32

I know that by allowing hatred into my heart I will be robbed of my peace and joy.  I know that by holding onto the hatred in my heart it will only move me farther away from GOD.

"Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen." 1 John 4:20

"No one was more unjustly treated than Jesus, and yet HE asked GOD to forgive HIS tormentors."

"Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” Luke 23:34

In my daily walk with JESUS HE has shown me that no matter how much I am hurt, HE understands the pain that I am in.  HE also is letting me know that though I may "feel" justified in my actions, that HE does NOT condone anger that results in any sort of violence or harm to others.  HE has shown me that just as GOD is slow to anger, I should also do the same.  I know that when I am controlling my anger that HIS favor will be poured over my life, and HE will help me through all of my problems. 

"For his anger lasts only a moment,    but his favor lasts a lifetime;weeping may stay for the night,  but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

HE has shown me through the past 69 days that HE is there to help me through everything, and has let me know that if I find myself not having what I need it is because I have not asked for it.

"You do not have because you do not ask God." James 4:2

I know that in order to not follow in the footsteps of my past I must rebuke any and all thoughts from the devil.  I must put all of my faith and trust in HIM, and HE will deliver me from all of my troubles, my anger, frustration etc. in HIS timing.

"If you want to give the devil a nervous breakdown, just get up every morning and see how much good you can do."

Today I am choosing to forgive those who have hurt me, so that I will receive inner peace and joy.  Today I will let go.... and let GOD transform my heart, and make it more like HIS.  Today I am forgiving so that I may be given the freedom to live a truly blessed life.

 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” Mark 11:25

I pray today if you are holding onto anger towards an injustice done to you, that you will choose to forgive, so that your HEAVENLY FATHER can forgive you.  I pray today that you speak HIS truth in love, and not in anger.  I pray today that you will receive the freedom to live a truly blessed life.  


No comments:

Post a Comment