I remember being in junior high and we had this class called "I Can" oh how I HATED that class. It was all about seeing the "bright" side of things and was made to be a motivational class. My teacher tried in vain to get me to be "happy," but I was so wrecked and traumatized I didn't know how to smile. Sure there were moments of where I thought I could, but when I would go home I would quickly be told I couldn't. I was trapped, I was in such a deep bondage with lies, deceptions, and manipulations. I remember crying into my pillow with so much pain I could barely breathe. I knew that I could NEVER let anyone know how I truly felt, therefore I became so unemotionally attached.
For two years my teacher tried so hard to reach me, and understand how a young girl could be so sad all of the time. I know that they "thought" they could help me just snap out of it. Like I was just choosing to be bratty, and not even trying to be happy. In trying to be happy I was only pushed further in the web of destruction that had become my life. The more I tried to fight it the more I was hurt, and so eventually I knew it was just best to not let anyone in..... EVER.
By the time I started attending high school I became a master at controlling my emotions, and not letting anyone in. I mastered the lies I was told over and over. I mastered keeping my walls locked up like Fort Knox. I knew that I couldn't trust anyone, and I would NEVER allow myself to be hurt, as when I felt any hurt, it all started hurting, therefore I never got close to anyone.
I now know that in building my walls and living in bondage with my "secrets" I built huge walls that needed to be torn down. However, I was afraid, terrified to have to "endure" anymore pain. When I turned twenty six and became a Mama for the third time, GOD revealed to me it was "time." Time to allow HIM to begin to tear down my walls. That was one of the most painful times of my life. When I realized that my "walls" were really just someone else's lies, deceptions, and manipulations. That the decision that they made affected me so deeply that I was never really living, but rather just "enduring' my life. My life had become like a movie, I was just watching from the sidelines. GOD wanted me to be completely whole, and began my journey towards wholeness.
I remember the "breakthrough" that I received one day in therapy when my therapist describe what happened to me as she had heard it before. Up until that moment I had always thought I was "special." That I had been chosen for something not all people could do. It was at that moment I realized that those people made decisions in their lives that best suited them, and it didn't matter to them who's lives they destroyed in the process. That realization has taught me to NEVER allow my emotions to decide for me, and to always think of my family before I make any decisions that could affect them.
In choosing to let go and let GOD, HE began tearing down my walls by giving me the confidence and courage to "face the truth" of my past, and not let it define me. HE has shown me that when I let HIM tear down my walls, my Salvation through JESUS becomes my wall of protection. I know that I must seek HIM daily and not try to control everything.
"No longer will violence be heard in your land, nor ruin or destruction within your borders, but you will call your walls Salvation and your gates Praise." Isaiah 60:18
"Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control." Proverbs 25:28