Saturday, July 13, 2013


Throughout my life I have struggled to understand the true meaning of love, and how to love someone.  I grew up knowing that love was something that was conditional.  Only if I earned it did I receive it, and when I messed up it was quickly taken away.  I messed up all the time, so I rarely felt loved.  In feeling so unloved as a little girl, I entered my teenage years bitter and judgmental.  I became a girl who at one glance of a person would judge people just by the way they looked at me.  The walls of my steel heart were up and I refused to let anyone get past them.  I never really knew what it meant to love someone until I met D.

In our early years together my sweet husband D was put through the ringer with mountains of tests to prove his love for me.   I had the mindset that rather than him ever hurting me, I would push him away so that I was in control.  The only problem to that thinking was, D wasn't going anywhere.  He let me know under no circumstances was he willing to let me go.   Little did D know just what he was agreeing to.  With everything in him he loved me.  I still to this day am shocked that he stayed with me.  After all, I was a "walking nightmare."  Leaving destruction in my path, however through it all D loved me, through all my fits of rage, tears of self loathing, and overwhelming suicidal thoughts, he loved me.  He was determined that he could save me.

I remember it was the Spring of 2002 and D was beside himself with worry for me and our two sweet little girls.  He didn't now how to love me anymore, as I hated myself, and everything around me.  I remember the overwhelming feelings I fought and agonized over daily.  D worked about an hour away and I was home taking care of our girls.  Everyday I would wake up with the craving of death on my mind.  How I would die, when I would die, would anyone miss me, would anyone mourn my death?  It consumed my every thought, and I was terrifying D.  Everyday he would leave for work feeling beside himself with worry, and growing hatred towards me as he couldn't fathom how I couldn't feel his love.  In a last ditch attempt D decided to move us to a safer neighborhood, and closer to his job, in hopes that I would somehow snap out of what I was feeling.  He was hoping that by proving his love for me I could overcome my cravings.

Within three months of moving is when we both opened the doors of our lives to GOD.  For the first time I truly felt loved.  I looked at D and knew that he loved me.  I knew that he would always be there for me, and I was thankful that he stayed.  At the same time I felt so guilty as he had endured what then was six years of walking on eggshells around me.  By the grace of GOD used D to get to me, and showed me what HIS true purpose was for my life.

I no longer judged people by the way they looked at me, I craved life, and couldn't wait to see what the next day would bring,  however as I soon learned the enemy was waging a war on my life once again.  This month marks eighteen years of D and I living together, enduring life together, and him loving me through everything. In times where he didn't know what else to do, he trusted GOD.  He knew that HIS plans for our family were far greater than anything we could imagine.  D is the one who stood by me and held my hand when I didn't think I could possibly endure anymore pain.  He has been my rock, my partner,my protector, my provider,  my best friend, the love of my life, and my soul mate.

In the past ten years D and I have learned together what unconditional love is while enduring the storms of life together.  We have been through the loss of two pregnancies, losing our home, financial ruin, horrible injustice for our children, family being torn apart, and health scares for our children and myself.  I am thankful that through it all GOD has been with us, leading us, guiding us, and teaching us everyday.

When we both started walking with GOD everyday we truly became soul mates.  I woke up this morning feeling thankful that through the storms of our life together love has remained.  Just knowing that no matter where life may take us our faith will see us through.  Today I am thankful for my husband D for his strength, courage, and most of all for loving broken, messed up, me.  I am thankful that he is Daddy to my five amazing children. I don't say it often enough, but man I am so thankful he stayed through it all.  I love you D!

I pray today that if you don't have that kind of love in your life, that you will seek the one who loves you and knows you best.  GOD can, will, and does love you more than you could possibly imagine.  I pray today that you haven't chosen to let HIM lead you in your life, that you will choose to declare JESUS CHRIST as your LORD and SAVIOR.  I pray that you will publicly declare this by being baptized.  I pray that you too will know what amazing, unconditional love is all about.

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