"And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." 2 Corinthians 9:8
Growing up I was manipulated into taking all of the blame for other people's unhappiness. I remember when I was around 10 years old my Granny had to have a pacemaker put in. I was told that it was due to my being such a struggle for her. As I have said earlier I was very defiant, and did NOT want to be controlled. Especially by the two people who were controlling me everyday. Truthfully I think I was almost relieved that she was somehow suffering after everything that she was doing to me. I couldn't understand how people could do the things they were doing and not EVER have to "face the truth" of what they were doing. I should say in her case what she was allowing." She knew that her husband wasn't treating me the way a grandparent treats a grandchild. She knew he was using me for his own selfish desire. When things would happen and I would resist, I would be told, "You must never tell anyone EVER as it would get me into trouble, and no one would understand, and no one would ever love you as much as I do." I would be reminded repeatedly that my own dad didn't want me, and wouldn't believe me even if I tried to tell him. I was trapped in a prison of guilt, guilt that was caused by people allowing themselves to be Satan's puppet in my life. I was trapped in my own prison with out a key.
However, GOD knew and was planning on my day of rescue! The day that I would be saved, from it all! HE knew that one day I would have the strength to say, "No." HE knew that one day I would have the courage to confront and confess, and let it all go. HE knew that one day I would seek HIM with all of my heart, and declare and accept HIM as my LORD and SAVIOR. HE knew that my journey would be hard, and I would struggle, but I would be o.k. because I would know that HE is always with me. HE knew that I would understand how HE paid it all for me so I could be with HIM and HIS FATHER in HEAVEN. HE knew, then, now, and in my future, HE knows it all, and it's all to HIM I owe.
"God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." 2 Corinthians 5:21
I know that in my past I have always been ready to take on more guilt. I know now that the devil had a blast in making sure he kept me in my own prison without a key. I know that I have allowed him to use the people in my life as puppets to try and destroy me. I learned at a very young age how to take on guilt. I was made to feel guilty that unless I did exactly what I was told I would be responsible for their pain and discomfort. I knew that it would be all my fault that they would suffer. I was told repeatedly "You can NEVER tell anyone." It has been Satan's plan all along to keep my trapped, however, I now know that I am covered under the blood of JESUS CHRIST and from what I have read in my bible, well HE WINS!!!
"Many of the things people expect are their expectations, and they can be quite unrealistic."
GOD has shown me that there are some people in my life who only think of themselves and don't even bother getting to know me and understand how much I am responsible for. HE has let me know that under no circumstances am I to "feel" guilty that they are unhappy with me. I know that as long as I am doing what HE calls me to do, then I am right with HIM and with that I have peace in my heart, and confidence to say, "I am doing all I can do." In having that confidence I will no longer be willing to "take on" the guilt of not being who they want me to be. This includes my parents, friends, family, everyone. I will NOT be made to feel "guilty" for their pain and discomfort when I know that I living right by GOD. I will NOT allow guilt to be placed upon me, and open doors to be manipulated. I will not live in my own "prison" without a key anymore.
I am thankful for this season of my life, that GOD is taking me back and revealing HIS truth to me. Today's reading that really captured my heart was this: "I felt guilty about the abuse in my childhood even though I was not the perpetrator and hated what was being done to me." I know that guilt caused me to take on guilt for everything. I don't remember a time where I didn't "feel" guilty.
When I was 14 my step-mom was hospitalized with a bleeding ulcer. I was told that she almost died, and that it was all my fault. I carried that guilt with me for many years, before GOD finally revealed to me HIS truth and what really happened. However, carrying that guilt changed me, it gave Satan the knowledge in how to manipulate me into getting what he wanted. I now know that he has been out to destroy me from day 1. GOD revealed HIS truth about the guilt that I've carried around for so long as this: "I had a false sense of guilt that was deeply rooted in shame." Hearing that took my breath away. Even though I knew what happened to me was NOT my fault, I had allowed it none the less. I have been carrying around that shame all this time and didn't even know it. I always felt guilty and never understood why.
In learning about the shame I carried this morning, I now understand why I get so angry when other people try and put blame on me. Especially when I have nothing to do with it. I get very agitated when someone tries to base their happiness on whether or not I will do something for them. I know understand why I get so angry when it is me who has to "take the 1st step." I know that I must control my emotions and not let them get the best of me. Therefore Satan will NOT have a foothold on my life, and I will NOT take on the guilt again. I must rebuke any and all agreements I made with Satan.
"Just because I "feel" guilty, does not mean I am guilty."
I know I must never allow myself into being deceived into sinning without guilt, as I know I am NEVER justified in going against GOD's word.
"My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent.It is the Lord who judges me." 1 Corinthians 4:4
GOD revealed to me in the Spring of 2003 that HE would give me the relief I so desperately needed, all I had to do was ask. I didn't have to pay a price like JESUS did, all I had to do was ask and it was given to me. In the Summer of 2003 I asked JESUS to come into my heart, and confessed of my sins, and allowed HIM to begin a good work in me.
"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6
This morning I woke up singing " Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe Sin had left a crimson stain He washed it white as snow" I know that because HE paid it all I am given the freedom I need to live a guilt-free life. In choosing to live a guilt-free life I will NO longer accept guilt and allow myself to be punished for things that aren't even my fault.
GOD wants me to get my mind off of my failures, and get my mind on my successes. I must put more time, energy, and effort into celebrating my victories, and NOT my failures. HE wants me to celebrate as HE is the one who allows my victories, as HE is right there fighting the good fight with me. I know that I can get through anything because HE is with me.
"For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.” Deuteronomy 20:4
I used to dread mornings, but now I am thankful because my slate is wiped clean and I get to live another day with HIM teaching, leading, and guiding me every step of the way. I wake up thankful that HIS mercies are new EVERY morning. I am thankful that though there may be darkness in the night, JOY comes in the morning!
"Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,That you still have a reason to sing,'cause the pain you've been feeling, Can't compare to the joy that's coming" Josh Wilson
I pray today that you have been carrying around guilt and shame that you would seek the one who made you, flaws and all. I pray today that you will ask HIM to come into your life, to teach, lead, and guide you every step of the way. I pray today that you will know HE delights in you, loves you, and will choose you always. I pray today that you will know that JESUS paid it all, all for you. I pray today that you know HE is waiting, all you have to do is open the door to your heart.